Fireworks
by Lizzie9
Summary: Affair, downfall, tragedy. Whatever you wanted to call it, it pushed her to her breaking point, and she had to get out. So she ran to the one place only Derek could find her. But would he come looking for her? An epic tale of MD angst, sex and true love.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Keeping the Faith is almost over, and we needed another angsty angsty fic, so this is what we went with. Lots of drama, lots of angst, lots of sex, lots of everything. The first blurb here is a prologue of sorts.**

They say sometimes you know. You know when a person is the one. You know when you have to do anything for them, even if it's wrong, even if it's despicable.

Sometimes, you need someone so badly you don't care who you steamroll to get them. You don't care that you're killing someone else.

You might not even care that your job, your friends, your stability and your whole life are at risk. You get caught up in it. An affair is a downward spiral, a tragedy, a breakdown.

Whatever you want to call it, affairs are dangerous. They force you to examine yourself, your feelings, and the things you can't live without. Odds are you won't like the answer.

We all learn something from affairs. Everyone has a breaking point. Even the people who think they have everything under control. The question is, when you reach your breaking point, what will you do? When you can't take it, where will you run?

Somewhere no will ever find you? Or somewhere only one person would think to look?

Which is a risk in and of itself. So they know where to look; big deal. The question is, will they come looking?


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Expect angst. The Derek that we're writing isn't nice, faithful, yes-I'm-trying-even-though-I-love-Meredith Derek. It's Derek who needs Meredith, but because he's married, he takes her the only way he knows how. She's desperate to change his mind, and keep him in her life, so she goes along with it.**

Meredith was exhausted. Drained, physically and mentally. She was functioning, but barely, still trying to wrap her mind around the awful, crushing truth. He had picked Addison. She dragged herself to the elevator, thankful to be away from them for a little while.

Her well meaning, sympathetic friends. The glances, the noises, and the pats and hugs that were meant to soothe her only made it worse. It was bad enough she felt like someone had removed her heart, stabbed it, twisted the knife for good measure and then stuck it back into her chest, she didn't need hugs to remind her how pathetic she was.

Truth hurt. And the truth was, it was her mess. A big mess of her own making. She should have known better, but she was the one who had fallen in love with Derek Shepherd, and she was the one who was doomed to stay in love with him. No amount of pity was going to change that.

She crossed her arms over chest, pretending in vain she had a heart left to protect, and waited for the elevator. She hated her house, and everywhere she'd been with Derek. She hated Joe's, but she still went because hey, Joe had numbing tequila. She hated home, so she stayed at the hospital as much as she could.

They had hid it from people here. It wasn't as tainted. It was big, industrial and impersonal. She could hide from him here. The elevator dinged open. There he was. She got on and stood with her back to him, fighting tears.

* * *

Derek was exhausted. The strain of the last few days, the constant fighting of tears, and the constant voice in his head that told him that he made his own bed. He had to be a man and lie in it.

The problem was, he didn't want to lie in any bed that wasn't occupied by Meredith Grey. It was hard for him to even figure out how he had actually chosen Addison when every fiber of his being had been screaming for Meredith. The more he tried to wrap his brain around it, the less sense it made.

The point was, he hated it, all of it. He hated Meredith for not forcing him to stay with her, he hated Addison for ruining the only thing he'd ever gotten right. He hated this town for reminding him of her all the time.

But mostly, he hated himself. Because he did this. He made this horrible mess. And every time he saw her, he was reminded of how badly she'd been hurt. The elevator stopped, and like he'd conjured her up by thought, she stepped on the board.

Derek's heart clenched as she turned her back to him instinctively, and barely moved as the elevator sped down. She stood there, digging her nails into her palms, forcing herself not to turn around and look at him. He would stare straight into her, and he would see things she could barely see in her self, and she would feel like she was dying all over again. She didn't want to turn and see bright blue pools, because she would drown in them. She couldn't look at his mussed, wavy hair without dying to touch it, or the gentle stubble on his cheeks without wanting to feel it against her cheeks.

When the intensity between them got to be too much, and she feared it would stop the elevator, or just cause her to crumble into a pile, she swallowed hard, and managed to choke out a few words.

"I miss you."

She regretted them instantly. His head told him not to move, not to react. He was supposed to be trying with Addison, and it would only hurt her more, but his gut was screaming at him. He moved close to her, placed a hand on her arm.

She lifted her head at his touch. That simple touch sent shock waves through her body that buzzed her with electricity, from every nerve, to every hair follicle. She turned her head ever so slightly, and he came closer, breathing in her scent, breathing in everything about her, like it was going to sustain him.

She felt her heart shatter as he stepped back. "I can't." She drew her arms around herself, and blinked rapidly, praying that the tears she felt wouldn't stream down her face. She wanted to beg him. She wanted so badly to turn around, and throw her arms around him, cry into his chest and beg him to change his mind.

"Derek." The strangled whisper of his name was all she could get out. Everything else died on her lips, as she stared at the button for the fourth floor.

Time moved in slow motion as he followed her off of the elevator. Thoughts flew through Derek's head and bounced off each other. Life was about choices, he thought to himself frantically. He had made the choice to stay with Addison, and he already knew it was a bad choice.

An aching, consuming emptiness had filled him, and he was desperate to feel whole again. So he made another choice. Grabbing Meredith's elbow, he led her down a corridor that was mercifully vacant.

She looked at him, shivering at his touch; even though she desperately tried to suppress it. He looked at her, with eyes darkened over with desire, a blue so deep they were almost navy. He reached in his pocket and produced his card and a pen and proceeded to scribble down the name of the hotel he stayed in his first few nights in Seattle.

'_It could work'_ he thought wildly. Addison was still staying at a hotel; a different hotel. She wasn't going to move in to his trailer without a fight. It could work.

"Meet me." He whispered thrusting the card into her hand. She looked at it, and then up at him. "Give me an hour." He urged, "And then meet me."

"I…." she gazed up into his eyes, and looked at the way he was looking back at her. Like he was staring into her soul. Her breath hitched in her throat, and as much as she tried to fight it, she felt a heat crawling over her skin. "Yeah, okay."

"Just give them your name at the desk." Derek whispered. And with that, he was gone.

* * *

"Okay." Cristina said as Meredith took the seat next to her at Joe's. "You look like you just found out the Titanic was sinking."

Meredith looked at her blankly. She usually got Cristina's humor, but right now, her entire world was scrawled on the back of the Derek's card. She clutched it so hard the ink smeared into her sweaty palm. Cristina rolled her eyes.

"Panic, Mer," She clarified, exasperated, "Panic. Titanic sinking? You look panicked." Meredith grabbed the edge of the bar to stop the swirling of her emotions. She handed Cristina the card from her shaking hand.

"That's a hotel, by the water, isn't it?" Meredith closed her eyes.

"Turn it over." She instructed, her voice coming out in a strangled whisper. Cristina raised her eyebrows at her friends tone and obliged her request.

"Derek Shepherd, M.D. Head Of Neurosurgery, Seattle Grace Hospital." She read out loud. She looked back up at Meredith, her wide eyes full of questions.

"It's from Derek. He wants me to meet him there."

Cristina coughed. "When?" she asked. As indicated by Meredith's wide eyed, shakiness, she was obviously freaking out, and Cristina knew from experience that remaining normal was the only way to combat it.

Meredith's darting, panicked eyes looked at the clock on the wall. "Forty five minutes."

"Well are you going?"

Meredith looked at her. "I don't know. Maybe he just wants to…"

Cristina snorted. "Yeah, okay, I was really going for supportive, but you killed it there. If he wanted to talk, he'd talk to you in the hallway, or an on call room, not in a freaking hotel."

Meredith blinked. As hard as she tried, it just didn't make sense to her. "He chose _Addison_." She said.

Cristina snapped her fingers and looked at Joe. "For God's sakes, Joe! You're a bartender. Can't you see that she needs tequila?" She turned back to Meredith. "Yeah, okay, let's make this quick, Mer. He chose Addison, whatever. But did you see his face that night? He looked like somebody killed his dog."

"Derek doesn't have a dog."

"That was not a literal statement. This is why you can't do sarcasm."

"He's got a wife. No dog. But Jesus, he has a _wife_. Who looks like Isabella freaking Rosellini. I can't do this." She picked up the shot glass Joe had placed in front of her, and took it with a vengeance. Cristina shot Joe a look, and he poured another.

"Unless…."Meredith started, trailing off, looking desperately at Cristina.

"Unless what?"

"Unless he chose wrong. Unless he chose out of obligation and still feels how he always did about me. Maybe the decision was made because he's too good of a person to-"

"Mer," Cristina cut her off. "Stop rambling."

Meredith looked her best friend in the eyes. "I know this whole thing is crazy. And it's destructive, and horrible, but, what if he loves me?"

"Meredith, don't."

"Cristina, you're my _person_. You have to tell me this. If there's a chance, I just, I need to know." She held her breath, her life hanging in the balance of the answer to the question.

Cristina bit her lip, knowing the truth would be damning. She sighed. "Yeah, Mer, there's a chance."

Meredith nodded, took the second shot, and stood. "Don't tell any of the others."

* * *

An hour and twenty minutes had gone by. Derek sat in the dark room, wondering what the hell he was doing. His were the actions of a desperate, desperate man. He was still married, and it was the last thing he wanted to be.

There was a sick, twisting feeling in his stomach, because he hurt the one he did want to be with. He could see it in the despondence of her eyes, the numbness in her movements. And now, he was going to hurt her again, by asking this of her.

By asking her to engage in this…affair. The word itself carried a dark, dangerous undertone, an inkling of the person he didn't want to become. But there was something alluring about that darkness. A lust creeping through his body, a sense of anticipation and excitement. That he could do something like this…

But he knew she wouldn't come. He hoped against hope that she would, but he feared she wouldn't. Until the door opened, and there, standing at the crossroads between the darkness of the room and the illuminated hallway, was Meredith Grey.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Yes, we made heavy promises to update this over the weekend, but NYC was calling us. The response to the first chapters were UNREAL. We love you guys. (Laurenn- you're too kind!) **

**So this chapter we have the sex. Enjoy. REVIEW.**

_I'm willing to bleed for days_  
_my reds and greys  
so you don't hurt so much. _

"Meredith." Her name fell from his lips as the shock of her standing there washed over him waves.

"I'm not sure why I'm here." She whispered, hovering uncertainly near the door. And honestly, she wasn't sure. She was far from sure. It might have been the pain. That knife in her heart, sharp, constant pain. It might have been lust. She wanted him, and she felt it. Every nerve in her body felt it. But it might have been love. It might be that she loved this man, this broken, tired, married man. That might have been the reason she stood in the doorway of his hotel room while, somewhere across the city, his wife fell asleep with a ring on her finger.

"You know exactly why you're here." He said back, his own tone low and husky. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her. She stood in the doorway, the light from the hallway creating a dramatic contrast to his dark room around her silhouette. She was a goddess to him, this immaculate, tequila soaked creature he held on the highest of pedal stools, and despite all of her obvious flaws, she was perfectly imperfect to him. And he loved her.

She shook her head, her hair catching the light from the outside world as it moved. "I really don't." she whispered back. He bit his lip. He wanted her in his world, even if that only meant this hotel room. He almost laughed to himself. What he wanted was to slide a ring on her finger, marry her, move into a big house and have lots of kids. The fantasy felt so real to him he could see it happening. Derek didn't understand how he could want something so badly, yet walk away from it at the same time.

"Close the door, Meredith." He said, in a hushed tone that commanded compliance. She shut it and shifted her weight from one foot to the other, pushing stray hair behind her ear. "You're here because you want this." Derek ventured. "And you know it."

He sat down on the bed and ran a hand through his hair. Thoughts and feelings and words were tumbling inside of him, and he didn't know how to articulate any of them. "I wish…." He started. He didn't know what was happening to him. His hands felt cold and clammy and he had the undeniable urge to just crawl out of his own skin. He didn't deserve her, but here she was.

"I don't know how to say any of this, Mer. I wish I had met you first. I wish I didn't have to try with Addison. I wish I didn't care. I wish I had you, the way things were before…." He trailed off and looked down, his breath coming in uneven puffs of air, fighting the urge to break down and cry. "I…"

"You what, Derek?"

He knew it was selfish to tell her this. He knew that whatever she was feeling was probably a hundred times worse than his own self inflicted pain, but he needed the ache to stop. Derek just wanted to feel a little bit okay again, and she was the only way. "I just wish I didn't feel so empty. I don't want to feel so broken."

Her mouth dropped a little as she listened to him, sitting there, confessing these things to her. She could hardly bear to hear them. Gone was the confident, cocky surgeon that had pulled her in and made her feel like no one else ever had. She was looking at the shell of that man, a shell that life had pulled down and been horribly unkind to, but still, he was her world. In that moment, nothing else mattered, and Meredith couldn't imagine that anything would ever matter again.

Derek Shepherd had her life, her love and her heart. He was her world. Suddenly blinded, she didn't care how much she hurt, if only she could make him feel a little less broken. She sat down on the bed next to him and looked him in his blazing blue eyes. "I know." She whispered.

"Meredith…" He raised a hand to her face and pushed her golden hair out of it. He traced her cheeks, and ran his thumb over her lips over her lips slowly, trying to memorize what they felt like, how they were shaped. "Can you stay here tonight?"

"Can you?" she looked up at him, and he saw in her face that she was waiting to be hurt, waiting to hear that he couldn't, he had to go back to his wife. She missed the pain on his own face.

"Yea." Was all he said. She leaned in to kiss him slowly, timidly, as if she hadn't done it many times before. It felt like the first time. Her lips brushed his and she pulled away quickly with a tingling sensation in her spine. He leaned in and kissed harder, his tongue slipping into her mouth slowly, habitually, like he just could do something like that. He realized as she moved into the kiss that he could just do something like that.

Meredith slowly lowered herself onto the bed, never break her kiss with Derek. Their movements were exploratory, hungry and new for them. She had forgotten what it was like not to know him. It was unclear to her, whether enough time had passed she had simply forgotten, or if she had been missing him so much, it only seemed like too long. She placed her hand on the back of his neck and gently pulled him on top of her.

Her hands found his hair immediately, and his lips found her neck. Their bodies moved together, a point of synchronicity so complete it was almost fluid. His hands slid down to the bottom of her shirt and tugged it upwards, revealing the smooth, white skin of her stomach. Before he could stop marveling at the creamy whiteness of her skin, his own shirt was off, and her fingers were tracing the muscles in his lower back and abdomen.

It felt so right, so perfect, being there with her. His movements with Addison felt wrong, and forced; unnatural. This, what they had here, was it for him. It was the only thing in the world that mattered. If he could never do anything he loved again, never fish, never boat, never stroll down a New York City street, he wouldn't care, as long as he could be with her. She was all he cared about.

He slid his hand up her thigh, enjoying the way her breath caught in her throat. His let his other hand wander underneath her and unhook her bra. It fell away like tissue paper, leaving him reign over what had been underneath it only seconds ago. Derek's lips connected again with Meredith's, and as they kissed, she unbuckled his belt, and unzipped his jeans without fear or hesitation.

When there were no clothes left, nothing but bare skin and bed sheets, his blue eyes pierced her steely grey ones. In the dark of the hotel room, electricity passed between them, a current with a magnitude greater than either one of them could have imagined. It sizzled in the centimeters of space that separated Derek's body from Meredith's; the centimeters he was looking for permission to take away. "Meredith…" he whispered. She could feel his breath against her cheeks, and she vaguely wondered how she had gone from kissing him in an elevator during her first week of work to being naked beneath him in a hotel room while his wife slept soundly mere miles away.

She looked him in the eyes and nodded, and slowly, painstakingly slowly, he lowered himself inside of her. The noise that escaped her lips as she felt him enter her was one of pleasure, but also of sheer relief. She had after all, thought she would never feel this again. His hands ran up her sides to her hair where they tangled as he kissed her. She wrapped her arms around him and dug her nails into his shoulders. It was good, almost too good, to feel him this way.

He tugged slightly at her hair. "Jesus, Meredith." He muttered into the darkness. It was like riding a bike to him. He knew her body, her reflexes, exactly where she was the whole time; he hadn't forgotten a thing. It was engrained in him like his name or a craniotomy. He could live a hundred years and never forget what this felt like. Her eyes fluttered shut, as he thrust inside of her, eliciting the noises Addison had too much control to make.

"Look at me." He breathed in her ear as he felt her getting close. Her eyes didn't open. "Meredith, look at me." He urged. Heavy eye lids slid open, revealing stormy eyes framed by full eyelashes. A sheen of sweat covered her chest, her hair was matted and wild, and to him, she had never looked more beautiful. She tightened around him, and he just let go. They cried out together, clutched each other; she clawed at his back in desperation, he kissed her swollen lips.

When it was over, her arms were around him so tightly, he couldn't find an inch of them that wasn't beautifully connected. He felt cold and empty as she pulled away from him, beginning her withdrawal behind her self imposed brick wall that was supposed to shield her from all the pain he would inevitably bring. But he wasn't having it. He reached out for her with arms she couldn't resist. He pulled her back to him, and she cuddled into him, her head against his chest.

"Meredith, that was…."

"Incredible." She finished, in the same, quiet voice she had been using with him all night. She smiled. "I can hear you heart beat."

He placed a hand on her chest. "I can feel yours." They fell asleep like that, her tiny body curled into his, their hands intertwined between them. When Derek woke up to the harsh reality of a new and sunny day, she was gone.

* * *

The next morning, as Meredith traipsed across the parking lot, she focused on one thing. Every cell in her body was completely dedicated to finding this one person. Cristina. As she stood by the lobby elevators, her eyes trained on the door, waiting for the familiar dark, untamable curls to appear. "You left this morning." She closed her eyes, not needing to turn around. Only one person had a voice that could make her feel like that.

"I'm sorry. I had, you know. Work."

"I see that." His teeth chewed his bottom lip in a way that melted her into a pile of loving, angst ridden mess. Turned on loving, angst ridden mess. "Can I see you again?"

"I don't know." She said honestly. She didn't know. The guilt from last night had formed in the pit of her stomach and was eating it's way through the rest of her, threatening to take her over entirely. The other thing stronger than the guilt was the pull she felt toward him, the pull the made ever inch of Meredith feel alive.

"Meredith," he said, "I need to see you again." She didn't have to choke out an answer because Cristina had miraculously appeared. Her large brown eyes roamed over them, eyeing the way Meredith was kind of leaning toward and away from Derek, like she was losing the fight with the magnet that pulled her towards him. Derek looked down at her, like he couldn't believe she was really there; like she was some sort of supernatural being.

"Meredith." Cristina said loudly, pulling her away from Derek, giving her a look that in Cristina only meant that Meredith had some explaining to do.

"Cristina." Meredith said her voice heavy with relief. She looked at her best friend, her _person_ and her eyes said plenty. Meredith felt Cristina's hand close around her wrist.

"You remember the jogging, Mer? Since we suck at jogging, let's try taking the stairs." She said forcefully, her voice leaving no room for argument from Meredith or Derek. All he could do was watch as Cristina dragged her towards the stairs. She turned around in the doorway and held eye contact with Derek. His eyes bored into her, and she stared back. Derek felt like he was going to pass out from the sheer intensity of the stare Meredith sent him.

Meredith had a similar feeling pulsing through her veins. If Cristina hadn't been dragging her through the door, if she hadn't been in the crowded, buzzing lobby of the Seattle Grace hospital, she probably would have pushed Derek against the wall and wrapped her legs around him, that look was so powerful. Instead, she felt herself being yanked away from the door and into the stairwell.

"Don't even try to tell me that you didn't go last night." Cristina said, after checking to make sure they were alone. "The intense whispers, the eye sex. I'm not retarded, for God's sake. And I know you're going to downplay and deny. So don't even try."

"It was nothing." Meredith mumbled weakly.

"Uh huh." Cristina said, rolling her eyes. "And I'm not sarcastic. Or Korean."

"I went. Derek's broken. And he told me he wanted to stop hurting. And we had sex. Really good, can't move, orgasm of my life, sex."

"Meredith, please."

"But it wasn't just sex. It was so much more…" she let her voice die softly. "He chose Addison." She slumped against the railing. Cristina leaned next to her. She threw her wild hair into a ponytail and shot a sidelong glance at Meredith.

"Should I be supportive or vengeful, or what?" Meredith shrugged and eyed her friend, honestly not knowing what she needed. She didn't want to hear Cristina blame Derek- not yet anyway. "Meredith, what are you doing?" Cristina asked in a softer voice, void of her usual sarcasm.

"I really have no idea."

"Because you're really being stupid."

"You get that I love him right?"

"Like I said. Stupid."

"Do I have to start describing the orgasm again?"

"Only if you want me to tell you about this thing Burke does with a bunk bed."

"And I'm done." Meredith said, smiling for the first time all morning.

_A/N: Okay. So we have the sex. And it was good for both of them. They had forgotten it was that good. But now, Meredith doesn't know what they are or where they stand. And Derek doesn't understand why he's with Addison when he doesn't want to be. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Yes, we made heavy promises to update this over the weekend, but NYC was calling us. The response to the first chapters were UNREAL. We love you guys. (Laurenn- you're too kind!) **

**Okay. So it's Thanksgiving (we're going loosely in season two order) and Meredith is freaking out over the sex. So she says goodbye to Derek, thinking it will be over, she'll be miserable, but she won't want him, she'll come to her senses. But it's us and it's Meredith, so obviously, sex ensues. For all intents and purposes Addison has moved into the trailer.**

_Headlights before me,  
so beautiful, so clear,  
reach out and take it,  
cause I'm so tired  
of all this fear._

"Where were you?" Izzie hissed as Meredith and Cristina slunk into the back of the group as Bailey barked out instructions. Meredith shook her head, as if to indicate that it was nothing, it didn't matter where they were. But her eyes were wide and her heart was pounding. Cristina shot her a side long glance, placed a hand on her wrist and squeezed it.

"Calm down." She whispered. "You look like you're having a heart attack."

Meredith forced herself to breathe as normally as possible, and tried to focus on Bailey, but all she could see in her mind's eyes were scenes from last night, and they spun her out of control. "Grey and Yang, you were late. You're both in the pit; keep an eye out for trauma." Cristina pulled Meredith away from the wandering eyes of Alex, Izzie and George and steered her towards the elevator so they could, as instructed head down to the pit. The doors slid open and inside the tiny steel box, stood Addison and Derek.

Meredith froze. Her body turned to ice and refused to move an inch. She tried hard to breathe, to find some kind of equilibrium to balance on, but she had nothing except sheer terror. There was no way she could get on that elevator. Addison would know. She would be able to sense it between them or something. So she stood there, wide eyed and unmoving like a deer caught in headlights. "Mer, the pit." Cristina muttered.

"Please, Dr. Grey, I don't have eons." Addison said. Derek looked at her sharply, a reprimand for being rude to Meredith. Addison pretended not to catch his look, but it was right there for the entire world to see. Cristina grabbed Meredith's elbow and tugged her inside the elevator. She cowered against the wall near the buttons, seemingly trying to ignore Derek.

"What did you do to get stuck in the pit?" Derek asked, his eyes boring into the back of Meredith's head.

"We were late." Cristina said icily, not bothering to disguise her distaste for Derek. "Anything else?" Meredith shifted a few inches and caught Derek's eye. He smiled at her, the tiniest hint of their look shining through. She looked away. Derek smiled bravely and tried again.

"What are your plans for the holiday?" Cristina turned around, ready to lay into him, but the doors opened and the hustle and bustle of the pit could be heard a few yards away. Meredith left the elevator immediately and Cristina followed her. Addison raised one delicate eyebrow at their retreating backs.

"You really shouldn't let interns talk to you that way, Derek."

* * *

"Meredith!" Cristina said, pulling her into an empty exam room. "Meredith, you have got to get it together. You can't be the lady of the night and then transform in bambi in the morning, okay?" Meredith leaned against the wall, the cold tile permeating her thin scrubs. She shook her head at Cristina.

"I can't do this." She muttered, pushing her hair out of her face. "There's no way I can do this. We both know how this is going to end. He's going to push me away slowly until he's back in the land of marital bliss." Cristina grabbed both of her friend's wrists and looked her in the eye.

"Meredith." She said slowly. "You need to calm down. And we need to get to the pit. You good?" Meredith took a few deep breaths and nodded. "Good." Cristina said, pulling her after her towards the pit.

"We have a forty-five year old male with blunt force trauma to skull. Likely internal bleeding. Someone page Shepherd for a neruo consult." No sooner had the words left the nurse's mouth; Cristina shot a wary look at Meredith, who had stopped suturing. She stared over at Cristina, who shook her head at her and cast another pointed look at her patient.

Derek came ambling into the pit seconds later and surveyed the patient. "Take him to CT and get an MRI while you're at it, okay? He's going to need surgery. Grey, you'll scrub in."

"I…" she started. "Der- Dr. Shepherd, I'm suturing." She said, never lifting her eyes from the arm of the patient she was stitching back together. Derek looked at her blankly, as if he didn't understand what she meant.

"I see that." He said, slowly. He started to tell her that she could scrub in anyway, he'd find someone else to suture, but the Chief came into the pit, and started ordering people around. Shepherd, this guy needs his CT done yesterday. Yang, go with Shepherd, Grey, stick around, there's another ambulance rolling in."

Derek lingered for a moment, giving Meredith a fleeting glance before following Cristina and his patient up to CT. Richard glanced down at Meredith whose hollow eyes followed his retreating form all the way down the hallway. "Meredith…" he said, wanting to say something tactful, something that would both warn and comfort her, but no words came. She simply shook her head.

"It's all right, Chief." She said, her voice lacking the conviction to convince either of them. She looked down as she finished stitching up her patient and directed him to discharge. Richard reached down and put a hand on her shoulder.

"It's not all right, Meredith. He should have told you." Meredith smiled up at him, a tight lipped, smile that didn't come close to reaching her eyes.

"But he didn't. There's nothing you can say, Dr. Webber." She got up and walked outside to meet the incoming ambulance. When the cool air hit, the familiar sounds of ambulance sirens seemed somewhat comforting. They gave her something to focus on, something that was bigger than her pathetic secrets and her pathetic lies.

"Twenty five year old woman, sitting in the passenger seat of her car, car gets slammed on her side by a pick up." The EMT said. "Dr. Shepherd was paged ahead of time, should be here any minute."

Meredith groaned. "It's _neuro_?" she blurted out, before she could stop herself. The EMT gave her a strange look and gestured at the patient lying on the gurney.

"Look at her, doctor. She's six months pregnant."

* * *

Derek watched as Cristina methodically scrubbed in. It was already second nature for her. The plastic sheets over her scrubs, the cap, the cold metal of the sink against her skin as she washed her hands and covered them with gloves. It struck Derek how good she was how medicine was simply inside of her. Meredith was like that too, but that was expected. Surgery was in her blood. But to see that in someone who didn't come from a legend was rare.

Cristina's eyes flickered over him, hard and cold. She stood back and surveyed him as he washed his own hands and pulled his own pair of gloves over his skin. She watched him calculatingly, with the cool indifference of someone she didn't like, or respect very much. Derek turned to face her, alone with this woman in the empty scrub room. "You know, don't you?" he asked, his voice shattering the silence.

Cristina thought about denying it, but why bother? It's not like him knowing she knew was going to help or hurt Meredith in any way. "I hate you for it, you know. Even though you're my boss, I can hate you for this." Derek blinked at her with confused eyes, not understanding why she was so angry. Cristina looked at him and fought the urge to roll her eyes. "She can't say no to you, Dr. Shepherd. And I think you know that."

A few rooms down the surgical wing, Meredith was barely breathing over the table as she watched Addison perform a C-Section. Occasionally Addison would ask her for a new instrument, or bark out that she needed suction, or actually let Meredith hold a clamp to contribute to the surgery, but mostly, Meredith just stood, staring at her, barely breathing, wondering if she knew.

She didn't seem to know. She wasn't acting any differently towards Meredith than she ever had. She wasn't exactly friendly, ever, but she was never out right mean. It was the slow dance they did between pleasantries and strained tones, the dance of the dirty mistress and the wife he'd chosen. Meredith couldn't look away from the spot on Addison's forehead where her perfect red hair met her perfect creamy white skin. She didn't dare look her in the eyes, she just started at that spot.

"Suction, Grey." Addison said, brow furrowing in concentration. Meredith tried to stop herself from hating everything about her, from her hair in its elegant bun, to her stupid salmon colored scrubs. She tried to push the hate away, remind herself that the tides had turned. Addison was the wronged one now, and Meredith was the one to shoulder the guilt and the blame.

"Grey, I said, suction." Addison snapped, breaking her reverie. Meredith satisfied herself with the assumption that she simply could not know, and finally provided the requested suction.

* * *

She managed to avoid Derek for the rest of that day, and for a portion of the next. She wasn't thinking about him, directly when she woke up on Thanksgiving. She was more concerned with getting herself out of Izzie Steven's holiday cook fest. Which she did. She congratulated herself all the way to the hospital, and then her coma patient looked at her, which she figured would be the recipe for an absolutely fantastic day.

She was right too, it was all about broken families and distressed kids and unhappy wives and death causing clots. And of course, there through it all was Derek. She had hoped, that on that day, the day she was supposed to be thankful for all of life's gifts, the hospital would be her refuge, her port in the turkey filled storm. But of course not, of course it was filled with the one man she desperately wanted to avoid. He was everywhere, especially when she carried him around in her head and in her heart all the time.

She stepped outside the hospital. It was cold, and not surprisingly, wet, as it usually was in this city. She walked, desperate for her car. "How did you know? That it was his wife?" She looked down at the bench. Derek. She sat down next to him and sighed, relishing in the dangerous closeness, feeling almost intoxicated at how it made her feel.

"People in waiting rooms are hopeful." She said softly. "She was the only one who looked like she'd completely given up." His eyes watered slightly as he looked at her. He worked hard at controlling them, not wanting her to see his tears.

"Meredith…" he started. He didn't know how to say any of the things he wanted to say. He wanted to tell her to wait for him. Nothing lasted forever, least of all, him and Addison. He wanted to grab her and kiss her and tell her to give him a few months. A few months to try and then he gracefully bow out. But he didn't say any of these things. She had something to say though.

"I can't do this, Derek." She whispered into the darkness, letting her words hang between the two of them. "I can't just be this dirty thing, this, this, _mistress_ you turn to because you're unhappy. You decided to stay with her for a reason, Derek. You owe it yourselves to honor that reason."

"I don't know what the reason was." He whispered back honestly, searching her eyes for what was coming next. He leaned in close to her, until his lips were only a fraction of an inch away from hers, so close they were practically touching. All she needed to do was move forward that much more. Instead, she stood abruptly, backing away from the bench, tears gathered in her eyes.

"Goodbye Derek." She heard herself say. He nodded, and looked back at her, giving her their look, one more time. He let his eyes trail over her hair and her face, and he mustered up the entire amount of smile he could give her.

"Goodbye Meredith."

She made it to her car, put it in drive and was almost out of the hospital parking lot before she let the tears fall. When she showed up on her own front stoop, twenty minutes later, her face tear stained, the last person she expected to see was Alex. "Thanksgiving won you over, huh?" she asked him. He smiled sheepishly at her and shrugged.

"Izzie's not the type of girl you come by very often. And with my luck, this whole thing will be fleeting, and she'll forget she ever liked me before I can even blink. So I figure I might as well take advantage of the time I have, right?" Meredith looked at him strangely, and nodded slowly, blinking.

"Yeah," she said, "I guess you should."

"Are you coming in?" Alex asked her, reaching for the door. She shook her head and turned down the path back to her car.

"I have someplace I need to be." She called over her shoulder.

* * *

Derek was lying awake in bed next to his wife, trying not to make any movements that would wake her. He didn't want to talk about the sex, what it meant, how it would help them. He didn't want to lie there and hold her like he meant it, because it all just seemed so wrong. He was lying there staring at the ceiling, when lights were suddenly shining on it. He eased himself slowly out of bed and tugged on his jeans and a t-shirt, and silently moved towards the door of the trailer.

Meredith's Jeep was sitting a few yards away, still running, headlights blazing. He could see her sitting over the steering wheel, looking at him. He took a few steps towards her, stopped, then took a few more. She nodded as he got closer, and he climbed into the passenger's seat and slammed the door wordlessly. She barely looked at him as she drove off, not on the road, but towards the lake that sat on the edge of his land, half a mile from his trailer, hidden by trees. "You're here." He said as she parked the car and looked at the reflection of the moon, glittering on the surface of the lake.

"I'm here." She said. "Last time, I said I didn't know why. But I don't know how much time I'll have with you. So I think that I should take advantage of all the time you can give me." He opened his mouth to speak, to say things that would only end up hurting her, so she kissed him gently. He broke away looking surprised, then kissed her harder, his tongue pushing its way into her mouth, demanding more of her. She undid her seat belt, and climbed over her seat on top of his.

His hand inched up the back of her sweater and unhooked her bra. Before she could think about it, or question herself, she was kissing him again, hard, as his hands did things to her breasts that made her shiver. She pulled back and looked at him, this time; she was the one asking for permission. He nodded to her, and she kissed him again, unbuttoning his pants and pulling down the zipper. With one hand bracing herself on the headrest of his seat, she unbuttoned and pushed aside her own jeans. She moved into him, and hooked her legs around him, shuddering as they connected. Last time, Derek had been the one with the control, this time it was Meredith, setting the rhythm, moving quickly against him.

Derek reached down and eased his seat back enough to give him room to move. He pulled her body closer to his, easing himself inside of her further, eliciting a gasping response. She knew she shouldn't be here. Once was a mistake, twice held so many more implications, but as he clutched her arms and muttered her name as he came, pushing to her own orgasm, she didn't care how wrong it was.

She collapsed on top of him when it was all over, and stayed there unmoving for a long time. She didn't know exactly how long, time ceased to matter at this point. He wrapped his arms around her and didn't make any indication that he wanted her to move at all. Finally, when the November cold permeated the steel walls of the car around them to the point that she was shaking, she moved. She buttoned her jeans and pulled her sweater back on, and wished she could reach down and pull her underwear back into place. Her body was still shaking in the aftermath. She drove back towards the trailer and stopped a few yards away. Derek stole a glance at the structure, then leaned in and kissed her. Wordlessly, he climbed out of her car, and mounted the steps to his home, turning back and giving her a smile before he went inside.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues. **

**This chapter is based on the episode where Meredith breaks the guy's penis. There has been someone leaving the house every morning, but what George and Izzie don't know is that it's Derek. Meredith gets touchy in this chapter because Addison is involved with the quints and Meredith sees her as a person, not the enemy.**

_We're quietly losing control,  
and we're silent but sure,  
we invented the cure._

Derek rolled over in Meredith's bed. He had been sleeping here a lot lately, not the best plan, since his wife was at home, but he had managed to convince her that he was always at the hospital, catching sleep in on call rooms and performing many surgeries, not having sex with his ex girlfriend.

She was in the bathroom, presumably showering or changing, or maybe just avoiding him, and the ringing of his cell phone permeated the quiet of her room and woke him up. "Hello?" he mumbled into it sleepily.

"Derek? Where are you?"

"Addison. On call room." The lie slipped from his tongue so easily and so quickly it scared him. He never possessed the ability to lie to Addison before. It seemed Meredith had changed all of that. "Where are you?"

"Leaving the um, _trailer_." She said, not masking her disdain. Derek rolled his eyes and jumped out of bed, pulling on his pants. "Will I um, see you at the hospital?"

"Better idea. Meet me at the café down the street. Breakfast."

He could practically hear Addison smile through the phone when she answered that she'd love to and she would see him soon. He barged into the bathroom without knocking and kissed Meredith full on the lips. "Bye." He said, not offering any other explanation for his departure. He took the stairs two at a time, knowing he had to beat Addison to that café or she'd know he had lied about being at the hospital. He practically ran out of the front door and down the block to where his car was parked.

* * *

Izzie and George sat at the table with cups of coffee and plates of toast, waiting to catch a glimpse of Meredith's latest conquest. The act of waiting and naming last night's object of Meredith's affection had become a morning ritual, much like coffee or reading the paper.

"And I shall call him…." Izzie started as they heard him thundering down the stairs. "Running guy." She said with a smile. All though he wasn't much of change from ringing phone guy, or almost tripped down the stairs guy, or didn't want to leave guy. They were all tall, dark haired. Izzie assumed Meredith was trying to replace Derek with, well, guys who looked like Derek. She frowned as she heard Meredith come down the stairs. She came into the kitchen and filled her travel mug with coffee, sighing heavily.

Izzie and George exchanged looks. They had assumed that Meredith would be getting better. Or at least a little less sad. But she seemed to be getting worse. More miserable. More tired. She didn't tell them things anymore. She talked to them, but the only personal things she told anyone were whispered when she was huddled in a corner with Cristina. Izzie's frown deepened. She was worried about her friend. "So, Mer, who was-"

"Let's just go, okay, Iz?" Meredith asked. They piled into the car, since they were all working the same shift and Meredith drove to the hospital. Izzie sat in the passenger seat and talked cheerily to George the whole way there. Meredith said nothing, just drove, fighting the urge to press the as pedal to the floor until the car was going so far the world just faded away and she was free.

The three of them bumped into Cristina into the parking lot and she pulled Meredith behind the other two. "You look like shit." She said, surveying her friend. Meredith just shrugged. "Were you with Shepherd last night?" Cristina asked, cocking an eyebrow. Meredith nodded. "Okay, seriously, Mer." Cristina hissed. "This whole emotionless, speechless thing isn't going to work."

She finally stopped putting one foot in front of the other and turned to face her friend. "What do you want me to say? He was there again last night, Cristina, because I physically do not know how to give him up?" Cristina looked at her friend, a look of sympathy tinged with something like trepidation and shrugged as well.

"Hey, that's a start." They resumed walking towards the hospital. "So Burke keyed me this morning." Cristina said. "As in key to his apartment in my coffee mug. I so don't do keys before coffee."

Meredith turned to her, looking amused or at least less than miserable for the first time in weeks. "Burke gave you a key?" she asked, eliciting a nod from her friend. "Are you keeping it?" Meredith asked. "So you can, you know, pop over on your days off and bake him cookies?"

Cristina scowled. "Oh thanks, Mer. Really, I'm glad this is so amusing to you. I get freaking keyed and all you can do is…" she trailed off. Over Meredith's head she saw Derek and Addison walking arm in arm towards the hospital. She quickened her pace, hoping Meredith wouldn't see them, but she felt her friend's tiny hand wind around her wrist and heard her suck in a breath. Her footsteps degenerated into the slow, unsure, heavy movements she tended to use around Derek and Addison. Like she was so terrified of Addison reading it in her body language, she just didn't use any at all. Cristina pulled her through the door, shooting a glare at Derek warning him not to say anything.

"Dr. Yang." Addison called out in her chipper voice. "Dr. Grey." Cristina made a face and raised one hand without turning around.

"Dr. Shepherd." Meredith stammered. "Dr. Shepherd." She said, her voice dropping to a nearly inaudible volume. Derek and Addison headed for the elevator, while Meredith made a beeline for the stairs, Cristina behind her, resisting the urge to let Derek have it right there in the hallway. Meredith slumped against the wall of the stairwell and closed her eyes. "He was with me an hour and a half ago." She said. "He was in my _bed_." She stressed.

Cristina dug her nails into her palms in a protective gesture. "I hate him for doing this to you." She said to Meredith. "He's the older, married one. He should know better." Meredith opened her eyes and shook her head.

"It's my fault." She said. "I never should have gone to meet him."

"This is not your fault." Cristina said forcefully. "He's manipulating you so he can try with his wife and still have what he wants." Meredith looked at her, pained. "Mer, I didn't mean it like that. I just can't figure out why you're doing this to yourself."

"I don't know how to stop!" she cried. "I can't have him the way I used to. I can't go on dates with him, and love him or do anything remotely open, but I can't not have him either, because I'm afraid that if he's not in my life, I'll just shut down. So if this is the only way I can have him…" she trailed off and started walking up the stairs.

"You get that I'm here for you, right?" Cristina called, starting after she was half a flight up. Meredith stopped climbing and waited for her.

"Thanks." She whispered as they began to climb side by side. "So about those keys…" She said, forcing herself to smile and change the subject.

* * *

Meredith was standing at the nurse's station, filling out a chart when she felt a familiar prickle down her spine, and a sensation that caused the hairs on her arms to stand up. "Dr. Shepherd." She said quietly.

"I'm sorry. About this morning." He said, just as hushed as she was. She put down her pen, and turned to face him, torn between being addicted to this feeling and ashamed that being around him was the only thing that made her feel remotely human, or at all alive. She sighed, not sure if she should just smile and walk away, or prolong the interaction, if for no other reason to feel something.

"She's your wife." She finally said, shrugging. Derek's eyes darkened with hate at Addison for forcing them into this situation, at himself for choosing the opposite of how he wanted, at everything about this. He reached for her, but curled his fingers into a fist halfway to her arm.

"Meredith, don't."

"Don't what?" she hissed, looking up at him, her eyes blazing. "She's your wife, isn't she?" Derek sucked in a breath. She was angry, that was obvious; it was in her ferocious eyes, her combative stance, her cold expression. But it wasn't just anger to him; it was a heat radiating from her that stirred something within him. His lips curved into a smirk.

"I'll see you soon, Dr. Grey." He said, walking away, leaving her angry, confused and deflated. The feeling of numbness crept over her like cold in winter. It was the feeling she felt whenever she wasn't with Derek, like her insides were filled with lead, and her veins with ice. Emotion was a foreign term when she wasn't around him, because all she felt was desperation.

She dragged herself to the elevator with the idea in mind of going down to the cafeteria to get some coffee and try to return to some kind of normalcy. She got into the elevator and only made it down one floor before Addison stepped on. Her tongue turned to cotton in her mouth and her body just froze. "Dr. Grey." Meredith cleared her throat forcefully, willing the elevator to just crash to the basement and put them both out of their misery. When that didn't happen, she forced what she hoped was a smile.

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd." She said. Her face was flushing and her breathing got uneven with the guilt and the remorse. "Are you um…?" She realized she didn't have anything to ask so she just stopped short of a question and looked away.

"I'm going to the cafeteria." Addison supplied, a fleeting look of confusion crossing her features. Meredith remained a mystery to her. She didn't seem to be able to function at all, let alone perform surgery. "I need some coffee. Did Dr. Stevens tell you about my quints?" Addison asked, her words leaving her mouth in a rush. She didn't know why she felt the need to make conversation with this woman, why she felt the need to try and have some sort of strange, mangled friendship with her. Maybe it was because on some unconscious level she felt guilty for ripping everything out from under her. But Derek was her husband.

"She was more concerned about Alex." Meredith murmured. Addison gave her a strange look. "Yes." Meredith corrected. "She told me about your quints."

"It's going to be a rough surgery and a rough recovery. Can I count on you to be in?" Addison asked with a genuine smile. Meredith blinked twice at her. Why did she have to be so nice? She owed Meredith nothing, less than nothing, yet she was always making this effort to be civil, friendly even. Meredith looked her over, her shoes, her pencil skirt, and her obscenely expensive looking blouse. Her eyes traveled to her face, and she saw shining eyes and a tentative smile. There was a person behind this ice queen. A person who saved lives and tried to be nice to the dirty mistress. Meredith forced another smile and swallowed down the nausea she felt rising in her throat.

"Yea." She said. "You can, um, count on me to be in."

Addison eyes her strangely. "Are you okay?"

"Fine."

"Right. I'll have someone page you. For the surgery." They got off of the elevator together, and Meredith forewent her coffee to get away from Addison. She sank down into a chair at a table with Cristina, Izzie and George. She picked up George's coffee and started drinking it. He didn't bother to protest, just stared at her.

"Mer, you should probably try to eat something." He said, offering her half of his sandwich. She shook her head and pushed his hand and the offending sandwich away.

"Not hungry." She said. Izzie looked at her strangely, thinking back. No breakfast that morning, barely any dinner the night before.

"Are you sick or something?"

"Something." Meredith muttered. "So Addison has quints?" She asked, changing the subject hurriedly. Cristina shot her a meaningful look, but Meredith pretended not to see it. Izzie started babbling about the surgery, and Meredith drained George's coffee.

* * *

When she stepped into another elevator a few hours later, it was because Izzie told her when the surgery was scheduled for, and she wanted to be early. The doors had almost closed when Derek slipped through the cracks. "Quints surgery?" he asked breathlessly.

"Your wife asked if she could count on me to scrub in." She muttered, turning away from him.

"Meredith. Enough about Addison. She's not, she doesn't…"

"She doesn't what, Derek?" Meredith shouted at him, turning to face him. "She doesn't matter? She's your goddamned wife!"

"And you're the one I…" he stopped shouting and stared at her. Their eyes stayed locked for a second, if that, and before either one of them knew what was happening, they were kissing furiously. Derek reached behind him and pressed the emergency stop button on the elevator, and in the same fluid motion brought the hand to the ties on Meredith's scrubs. He shoved her angrily into the elevator wall and hoisted her upwards.

Her hands worked the ties on his scrubs, and when they loosened, she effortlessly hooked her legs around his waist. His lips kissed a trail down her neck to her collarbone. "Derek." She gasped. He slid a hand up her shirt and under her bra. She moaned loudly, praying there were in between floors and no one could hear them.

"Derek, what?" he asked, smirking, pressing a hard kiss to her lips.

"Derek, I need," she gasped, her chest heaving, "Get…"

He smirked, again, angry enough to enjoy this. His own breath coming in short, uneven huffs, he leaned into to ear and whispered, "I want to hear you say it."

"I hate you right now." She breathed. He slid a hand under the waistband of her panties, causing her to cry out again. "Jesus, Derek, I need you." She said finally. He smirked one last time, and finally slid inside of her. She nearly screamed, it was so good. She braced her body on his shoulders and shuddered with every movement he made inside of her. When it was over, and it didn't take long, they slumped against the wall for a minute. Meredith reached out, flipped the emergency switch off and they hurriedly dressed.

She shot him an icy glare before they stepped off the elevator; he was still tying his scrubs, she was wiping beads of sweat off of her forehead. They practically smacked into Burke and Cristina on their way to scrub in. Cristina closed her eyes briefly and put a hand on her forehead. Burke looked between Derek and Meredith and his girlfriend. Before he could say anything Addison appeared in her scrubs. "There you four are." She said, kissing Derek quickly on the cheek. "Come on, we're about to start."


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far.**

**This is the Christmas chapter, and we're not too pleased with it. It's more contemplative, and less action-y, but it's the first time Derek does something, so thats a development. As we get deeper into season 2, its going to get darker. We have big plans of Meredith just shutting down, physically and mentally. So, stick with us and KEEP REVIEWING. **

_Forget December, it won't be better  
than I remember it before,  
a silent night won't feel quite right,  
it's not so silent anymore._

Another morning broke in Seattle. Christmas Eve. The sheer absence of the usual rain was enough to make even Cristina happy. She met Burke outside the hospital with a coffee cup in each hand. They sipped silently and strolled up the street to the entrance of the hospital. Burke looked at Cristina and shattered the pleasant morning. "Are Shepherd and Grey still sleeping together?" he asked.

Cristina stopped walking and turned to stare at him, wide eyed and shaking her head. "You can't ask me that." She said frantically. "You're my boyfriend, she's my best friend. I know I'm impersonal and hard to get to know or whatever, so ask me any other question and I will answer candidly, but please do not ask me that." Burke was taken aback by her impassioned response, but it didn't stop him from pressing the issue.

"Cristina, I'm not an idiot. I saw them get off of that elevator before the quints surgery. I'm not asking you for clarification because I want to rat them out to the chief or go to Addison. I'm asking because she's your best friend and you care about her. So I care about her." Cristina looked down, panicked. "Cristina," Burke said gently. "You can trust me with this."

She nodded slowly. "I hate him for doing this to her. She's so desperately in love with him she can't see straight. She practically hyperventilates if she's away from him for too long, and this going to kill her. And Shepherd doesn't even seem to care!" She turned her face to Burke, frustrated. "It's like he's keeping her around until Addison throws in the towel."

She was surprised to see Burke didn't look just contemplative or passive, he looked angry. His curt nod as he grabbed her hand and squeezed it didn't make her feel trapped, it felt welcome. She someone to share it with now. "Grey must be a wreck." Burke said. Cristina sighed and they started walking again.

"She's a wreck. And it's only going to get worse."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Since Addison removed her friend's uterus." Cristina said. They entered the sliding doors of the hospital and Burke turned to Cristina seriously.

"You tell her if she needs anything, she can come to us." Us. Cristina turned it over in her head, nodded and looked at him gratefully.

"She can come to us."

* * *

Meredith stumbled numbly through the hospital, a deep ache growing inside of her. She had been avoiding Derek since the incident in the elevator. She had been avoiding thinking of him since then, because as much as it shamed her to admit it, thinking back to that elevator made a slow heat crawl over her body. She could recall every sensation of that elevator ride, from his lips on her collarbone to the cold metal against her back.

She shook her head and tried to ignore how desperately she missed him. It had only been a few days, and it was Christmas; she should let him be with Addison. But she needed him like she needed oxygen, and it was gnawing at her insides.

She paused at the board and saw he was in surgery with Izzie. She looked at her hands. She had nothing to do right now. Cristina was with her transplant patient. George was dealing the Loud Family, Alex was studying, and Izzie apparently in surgery with Derek. Bailey hadn't paged her in hours… She found herself wondering towards the gallery. She sat down, and folded her hands into her lap and watched him.

As he maneuvered his scalpel around some guy's brain, she found herself wondering about abstract things she hated to think about. Fate, destiny, soul mates. She didn't know if she believed in any of those things, but she whole heartedly believed that if there was one person in the world for her, he was in the OR right now, ready to go home and spend Christmas Eve with someone else.

Down in the OR, with his patient's head open and exposed, Derek felt something that made his eyes shift upwards. Meredith was sitting in the gallery, hands in her lap, watching him carefully. He raised one hand in a signal that he hoped would prompt her to wait for him later. He looked back down into the brain and sighed. He hated Christmas.

Cristina finally tracked down Meredith, sitting in the gallery, watching Shepherd operate. "Meredith…" she said sternly at the look on her friend's face. "Meredith, I need to talk to you." Cristina turned her chair so she could face Meredith and she shook her slightly so to break her out of her spell. "Mer, listen. Burke knows."

Meredith snapped to attention. "What? You told _Burke_?"

"I didn't _tell_ Burke." Cristina said indignantly. "Burke saw you get off that freaking elevator before the quints surgery. Burke asked me if you were sleeping with Shepherd. I'm telling you this so you'll be more careful, Meredith."

Meredith dropped her face into her hands. "Burke knows that I'm a philandering whore." She muttered. Cristina smiled in spite of the situation.

"If it makes you feel any better, Burke was ready to kill Shepherd. He gave me this whole speech about how me caring about you means he does." Cristina rolled her eyes and then cleared her throat, her tone becoming serious once again. "He wanted you to know you can come to us." She said softly.

Meredith nodded. "Thanks." She said. She stood up and motioned for Cristina that they should go. She took one last long look at Derek and they turned and walked out of the gallery.

* * *

It was Christmas Eve. Derek was always like a little kid on this day. It was one of his favorite days. But this year, he hated it. He hated it almost as much as he hated himself, and the only thing that could temporarily break his vicious cycle of self loathing was Meredith, and she had been avoiding him like the plague. He trudged into Joe's, in desperate need of alcohol.

He wanted to turn around and leave when he saw Addison sitting there, but the look on her face was so hopeful he couldn't bear to do it. He sat down with her and they made some ridiculous small talk, until the words he couldn't stop thinking tumbled out.

"Derek, what's wrong?" she asked. "You love Christmas."

"Christmas makes you want to be with people you love. I'm not saying this to hurt you, or because I want to leave you, because I don't. Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you."

Addison's face paled and her mouth dropped open a little bit. She opened her mouth a little bit more like she was going to say something. Derek looked down because he was lying through his teeth. He didn't want to be here and he didn't want to stay with her, but he couldn't just… he sighed and got up, and muttered something about going to back to the hospital.

* * *

Meredith was sitting on her bed, watching the rain fall out of her window. Izzie and George were in the kitchen, baking cookies or being happy, and she just couldn't take it. She wasn't happy, and all the sugar in the world wasn't going to change that. She looked at her clock. 11:35. Less than half an hour until Christmas. She sighed and drew her knees to her chest.

"Meredith." She whipped her head around and saw Derek standing in her doorway.

"Derek." She said her voice slightly breathless and surprised. "What are you…?"

"I'm sorry. I know it's hard…" he trailed off. "It's Christmas. I had to see you. I missed you."

She blinked, fighting the tears that threatened to fill her eyes. "I miss you." She said. "I…." she couldn't find words. He sat down on the bed and pulled her into his embrace. She wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly. "Derek, I don't know if I can do this." She said. "I don't know if it's… just having this little piece of you, I don't think it's enough."

He ran his hands through her hair and stroked her face with his thumbs. He pressed gentle kisses to her forehead and lips. She leaned back onto her pillows and deepened the kiss, pushing her worries away. She pulled her shirt over head, but Derek kissed her slowly. "It's Christmas, Mer." He said. "Don't rush this."

His lips found her neck and her collarbone, and finally unbuttoned her jeans. They undressed each other slowly, with care and gentleness. It was unfamiliar to her, this slow, gentle thing. It was usually so rushed and frantic, passionate. This was passion, but it was different.

Their movements were slow, synchronized and control. She wasn't going to have bruises from this one, at least not physical ones. As he slid inside of her gently, she wasn't clawing at him. She wrapped her arms around the smooth muscles of his back and pulled him down to her, so close that he was pressed against her, and nothing could have come between them.

When she arched her back and tightened for the last time, he didn't let go, he just held her as close as he could. When it was over, they lay in her bed, their hands clasped. He waited until she fell asleep, and then looked at her clock. It had been four hours since he left Addison at Joe's. He rolled out of bed silently and dressed. He kissed her forehead as her chest rose and feel deeply. She rolled over in her sleep and he smiled at her.

"Merry Christmas, Meredith Grey." He whispered to the darkness of the room. He moved towards the door and looked back. "I love you." He whispered to her sleeping form, before sneaking down the stairs and out into the night.

_On Christmas morning,  
outside was pouring,  
all was hopeless in this home. _


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues. **

**This chapter is episodes 13 and 14, loosely based on. We kind of arent happy again. It feels rushed or whatever, but we hope you like it. **

**REVEIW. **

_"But I know now, and not at the start,  
we're going to pieces, we're falling apart."  
-Guster_

She was supposed to go home. Go home and what? The likely answer was that she would mope and think about Derek and how much she had lost, and how much more she had to lose by sleeping with him. She didn't want to think about it. The precarious balance of their torrid affair could easily be thrown off by too much thought. She made her way towards her elevator.

Of course, they were the lone occupants of the car. The elevator gods had it out for Meredith Grey. "Are you leaving?" Derek asked. Meredith shrugged.

"Eighty hour limit." She said in the non committal tone she had taken to using around him. It was hard, pretending she didn't feel anything. She was torn between wanting to smack him and storm away, never to have anything to do with him again, and wanting to rip his clothes off and have another round of elevator sex. She looked at him, questioning him with her eyes.

"Surgery got postponed." He said. She nodded, trying to remain impartial, trying to ignore him. But Derek couldn't stand it. Three weeks had passed since Christmas, and they had been together almost every night. But he couldn't stand the silence she gave him during the day. So he turned to her, and grabbed her face and kissed her. It was a hot, searing kiss that rocked her to the core and literally made her feel weak in her knees. It was a kiss that sent shockwaves down her spine. They pulled away from each other, breathless. Meredith arched an eyebrow at Derek, and he smiled at her. She smiled back.

"I might not need you anymore. I have a dog."

"You have a dog."

"That's all I'm saying." He kissed her again, even more consuming than the last one, and trailed tiny kissed down her jawbone and onto her neck. "Derek…" she breathed lightly as his lips seared her skin. They parted again and he smiled at her.

"But you have a dog." She smirked at him, and tried to think of something to say, but it felt so much like the banter they used to exchange, all she could do was smile at him. The elevator doors opened, and she forced herself to look away. Her smile dropped.

"Hi." Addison said tentatively. Meredith felt the shame of making out with her married attending in an elevator sink in.

"Hi." Derek said.

"Bye." She said, scurrying off, not daring to look Addison in the eyes. She thought about it all the way home. She tried to conjure up that overwhelming, all consuming guilt she felt when she saw Addison, but all she could feel were Derek's lips pressed onto hers, trailing down her neck, lighting her on fire. She wanted the guilt; maybe the guilt would make her stop, but she couldn't feel it anymore. She went home and busied herself with laundry. Laundry was a mundane task that everyone did. No matter who you were, you had to do laundry. Doing normal things, like laundry, made her feel normal. She wasn't the dirty mistress, she was normal.

When she finished, she looked at her laundry all folded on her kitchen table. She had wanted it to represent something, to represent the good in her, but it didn't. "Hi." Came a familiar voice. She jumped at the sound that shattered the silence, and looked up to see Derek leaning against the door frame to her kitchen.

"Hi." She said softly. He crossed the kitchen in two steps and took her in his arms in a sweeping motion, pulling her body to his, and marveling at how well she fit there. She pushed some hair away from his face and kissed him hard, wrapping her arms around his neck tightly in the process. Derek's brain was on overdrive. He had a wife, who thought he was trying. He had a mistress who loved him, who he loved. It was all so sordid, so he shut his brain off, and focused on getting Meredith out of her clothes. He pulled her sweater off of her torso and unbuttoned her jeans. She wriggled out of them, and stood there in her bra and underwear, staring at him with wide eyes. He moved toward her, and reached down, hand connecting with her thigh.

Expertly, he slid her underwear aside and slid his fingers between her legs. Her eyes darkened as she clutched his shoulder. After a few minutes, she stopped him and shook her head. "Too many clothes." She said, unbuttoning his shirt with surprising speed. He followed her lead and stepped out of his own jeans, until they were both just standing there, staring at each other. She reached behind her unhooked her bra, letting it fall onto the floor. She pushed her underwear to her ankles and stepped out of it, with a painstaking, deliberate slowness. She held out her hand to Derek, who took it, and stepped closer to her. She tugged his boxers down, and held his gaze as her breathing quickened.

"Meredith…" he said, picking her up and sitting her on the edge of the table, scattering her laundry all over the floor. She lay back onto a pile of clean clothes and nodded.

"Derek, now." She said urgently. She didn't think about the guilt at all as he entered her. She threw her head back and moaned, not bothering to stifle it, because she knew no one was home to hear her. Derek's lips kissed her neck and her chest, and the skin between her breasts that he always knew how to tease so well. "Harder." She whispered in his ear. It was all the encouragement he needed.

"God, Mer." He muttered as she dug her nails into his back. Derek thought vaguely to himself that the table was just going to break as she met his thrusts and drove him crazy, but he the only thought he could hold for more than a second was the thought of Meredith. He cried out as she wrapped her legs around him, driving him inside her deeper. There were no thoughts of Addison now, because anything that felt this good, this utterly and completely perfect simply could not be wrong. He knew Meredith was close when he felt a stinging sensation on his shoulders and her moans bordered on screams.

"Der, Derek." She called out desperately. "God, Derek, I'm…" she trailed off, her breathing labored and erratic. He pulled her as close to him as he could and leaned down, nipping her earlobe gently with his teeth.

"Let it go, Mer." He whispered. She arched her back and her eyes sprung open and bored into his. The sound coming from her lips, her darkened eyes, it was too much for him, so he let go and came right with her. He collapsed on top of her from the effort afterwards, and didn't move. He couldn't. He wanted to cover them with her laundry and hold her all day, right there on her kitchen table. But reality set in, as it had a way of doing, and she shifted underneath him. "Meredith…" he said. She jumped up and started collecting her clothes.

"I'm going to go take a shower." She mumbled. "And when I come back, you won't be here, so I'll see you later, Derek." She said, leaving him alone in her kitchen. He put his clothes back on and left, only remembering that he was married when his ring caught sunlight as he walked out of her door.

* * *

Meredith blinked at the woman who had just told her how her mother lit up when she had visitors. She walked slowly into the sitting room, and she knew that it would somehow, for some reason be Derek before she could see him. She stalked over to him and pulled him by the elbow out of her mother's line of vision. "What the hell are you doing here?" she hissed, crossing her arms impatiently over her chest as he mumbled something about a clinical trial for Alzheimer's. She shook her head. "No. No. I can't, I won't let her be poked and prodded. Me, you can screw with. My mother? Unacceptable."

"Meredith, your mother is a prime candidate for the trail. It could improve her quality of life, give her more good days." Meredith shook her head and stepped closer to him.

"Listen to me. All of this? You being dreamy? It messes with my head. It makes me think that what we're doing means something more, and it doesn't. You want to wrench the knife a little deeper into my heart, fine. Leave my mother out of it." She said, turning around and leaving.

Later that night, as he cooked trout outside his trailer, Derek was still thinking about that conversation. He listlessly poked the fish as he stared up at the sky. She had asked him to put her mother in the trial. That wasn't what he couldn't stop thinking about. Her words at the nursing home were haunting him, swirling around in his head. _It makes me think that what we're doing means something more and it doesn't. _Derek wanted to grab her and make her see that the time he had with her meant more than everything else in his whole life.

_Wrench the knife a little deeper into my heart_. He sighed and ran a hand over his face and through his hair. He didn't want to hurt her. Maybe if he was nicer, if he could make her forget the guilt, he wouldn't be hurting her so much. He was so lost in thought he barely heard Addison sink down into the chair beside him. He managed to hold a stunted conversation with her. "Do I just wait it out? Wait for it to pass?" she asked him.

With an overwhelming sense of guilt he smiled, and said, "Yeah, that'd be good." She smiled back at him, and he returned his attention to the trout he was cooking, unable to look her in the eye, because he knew it wasn't going to pass.

* * *

"Thank you." Meredith said. "For doing this. With the blood and the needles." In a screwed up masochistic way, she was enjoying it. She liked the feel of Derek's hands on her arms. It was comforting to her.

"Finished." He said smiling at her. She smiled up at him, through her eyelashes and he bent down and kissed her forehead and then her lips. She broke away smiling up at him. She hopped off the table and headed for the door.

"Derek?" she asked. "Thank you." She was met outside by Cristina, who grabbed her elbow and pulled her down the hall with her.

"What the hell was that?" she hissed.

"Blood work. There's a thing with my mother. McDreamy's helping."

"You're calling him McDreamy?"

"It's a nickname." Meredith said defensively.

Cristina shook her head. "The blood work isn't the point. The kissing is the point." Meredith couldn't stop the slow smile from spreading across her face. Cristina rolled her eyes. "Wife, Meredith. Wife. He has a ring around his finger, and you don't. And now, he's not only McSexing you, you're calling him McDreamy."

Meredith's smile vanished, and in its place was the haunted, emotionless look she had been carrying. "It's just a nickname." She whispered. Cristina nodded and Meredith buried her face in her hands. "Give me something else." She said to her friend.

Cristina shrugged. "Burke thinks I moved in with him."

Meredith raised her eyebrows as she lifted her head from her hands. "How'd you manage that one?" Cristina offered another nonchalant shrug.

"I moved in with him. I sleep there every night and all my clothes are there. But I'm keeping my old apartment. No big deal." Meredith snorted at her warped sense of relationships as both of their pagers went off. "McDreamy and the skin graft." Cristina said.

"Your fake roommate and McHappy." Meredith told her.

Cristina shook her head as she backed away. "Roommate implies you, Tinkerbell and Bambi. It does not imply sex. Burke is not a roommate."

* * *

"Dr. Grey, I'm just picking up the results of that tox screen I ordered." Burke said as Meredith approached him. She sighed and tried to look innocent. "Next time you forge my signature, just let me know first." Meredith watched dumbly as another test came back negative.

"Dr. Burke, there's another. Her serotonin is through the roof." Burke thanked him and looked at Meredith. He stopped himself from openly wincing at how thin she looked, much more so than usual. She looked at him, waiting for her punishment.

"Dr. Grey, let's go treat Naomi." Meredith blinked.

"That's it?" she asked. "You're not going to yell or say damn it Grey, and then storm off?" Burke considered it.

"I can if you'd like me to." Meredith smiled and shook her head. They started walking, and once the elevator doors had closed around them, Meredith turned to him.

"Are you not giving me a hard time about this because you know about the thing with Mc- Derek?"

"Partially, yes."

"Is this the part where you tell me that it's wrong and stupid and that I should just, you know, give it up, or leave or whatever?"

"No. I'm not going to patronize you by pretending that I understand your situation. What I do know is that you're young, Meredith. You fell in love with him, and he lied to you. I know that he's taking a cruel advantage of you, and I know that if you need anything, Cristina and I are here."

Meredith nodded as the elevator doors opened. "Thank you Dr. Burke."

* * *

"Compassion, Dr. Yang. It's an emotion. Have you heard about it?"

Cristina spun around and glared at Derek. "Have you?" she countered. "You're sleeping with her because you wanted to stay with her, but didn't have the balls to be the bad guy, I get that." She said. "But don't try to change the fact that you're ruining any chance you have to ever be okay with her again by being dreamy because she just can't handle it. So try that for compassion."

Cristina was still fuming when she met up with Meredith later, both of them ready to go home. "I lied." Meredith said. "It's not just a nickname. He's being McDreamy again, and I'm drowning in it." Cristina nodded, reached out and touched her friend's arm.

"I know." She said. "I have to go back to my fake apartment now. I'll see you tomorrow." While they had this conversation, Derek and Burke were standing side by side at the board, watching Richard erase it.

"A strike?" Derek asked incredulously. Richard turned around and looked at them.

"You two are a bunch of arrogant, cocky surgeons." He said, walking off. Derek looked at Burke, smiling, but Burke was glaring at him like he had done something awful, and already walking away.

"Dr. Burke?" Derek called.

"We have nothing to say to each other, Dr. Shepherd."

* * *

Meredith hopped out of her Jeep, with Izzie and George in tow. They led Doc to where Derek and Addison stood, waiting. Meredith walked slowly up to them and watched as the pet her dog. She stood, his leash in her shaking hand, watching the two of them lean down to pet him together. Because they were married. And she was just giving them her dog. Addison reached out and took the leash from her, and Meredith felt like everything around her was spinning out of control. She stood up abruptly as Izzie and George handed them the dog supplies, and went to wait in the car.

"Thanks, you know." Meredith stammered, still not feeling right as Addison disappeared inside. She backed away from Derek, who instinctively moved closer to her.

"Meredith…" he said.

She shook her head. "I have to go."

"Mer…"

"Derek, I have to go." She stumbled blindly back to her car, and shut herself inside, closing her eyes before turning it back on.

"Mer, are you all right?" George asked.

"Fine." She lied.

"You want to go to Joe's?" Izzie asked. "Or maybe to get some food. You haven't eaten all day."

Meredith shrugged and shifted the car into drive. "I'm not hungry." She said. "I'll go to Joe's though." And she would. She couldn't eat. But she could always keep down tequila.


	8. Chapter 8

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues. **

**So this chapter needed to be written. It seems sort of run of the mill, but it's important because it shows how much Meredith needs Derek. To function, to feel. For everything really. Also, this chapter is the first of several transistion chapters, where it goes from a confusing affair to the boiling point of a much larger issue. Next chapter will be, yes, from us, yet again, the one with the bomb. **

**REVIEW.**

_Confusion that never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks. _

It was like torture. Or so she imagined. Meredith was an over privileged WASP who had never experienced anything close to torture. But if she had to compare torture to something she knew, it was the act of stumbling around the hospital, knowing that any second you might throw up as a result of last night's tequila binge, and if you don't throw up, you're probably going to run into Derek or Addison. Or Derek and Addison which would be the worst possible combination. It was like torture.

She focused on breathing steadily, not an easy task for someone who thought they might die of a hangover, but she gave it a good, solid effort. Her primary goal was not to throw up in the middle of the hallway. She pretended all morning that her hangover was minor, when, really, she could barely stand. She didn't want Izzie and George to ask her the questions of why she wasn't eating, barely slept, but still drank like tequila was going out of style. She didn't want to have to stammer excuses to them about why she was a doctor slowly killing herself.

She looked up into the blue eyes of Derek Shepherd. "How's my dog?" she stammered. He looked at her strangely and she wavered slightly on her feet. She reached out for something to hold her up, but he grabbed her and steadied her.

"Mer, what's wrong?" He asked, his eyes showing his concern. She plastered what she hoped was a smile on her face and looked at him resolutely, hoping that he would believe her when she told him she was fine.

"Nothing. I'm fine." He released his hold on her arms, but continued to eye her skeptically, like he didn't believe a word she was saying. "How's my dog?" she asked again, waiting for him to respond when Addison came up and pecked him on the cheek. The blood drained from Meredith's face as she watched them in horror.

"The dog is great." Addison said cheerily. "He's adjusting to us. You should come by and visit." Meredith looked down. "The dog I mean."

"And I'm gone." Meredith murmured, turning and scurrying in the other direction. Addison watched her go, trying to pinpoint what it was about her demeanor that put her on guard so quickly. She shook it off and turned to Derek.

"So I need a neuro consult. Know anyone good?" she quipped. Derek tore his eyes from Meredith's retreating back, and made a sound that was supposed to sound like a laugh, but came out bitter and angry. He wanted to go back to that moment and force her to talk to him. To tell him something true, instead of just pretending to smile in hopes he would believe she was fine. She was anything but fine.

* * *

Meredith sank down at a table with Burke and Cristina, praying that her other friends, and her boyfriend and his wife weren't planning on eating lunch anytime soon. She sipped her coffee and looked at her friend. "Sorry." She offered to Burke. "I can go if I'm interrupting."

Burke shook his head. "Absolutely not." He said, smiling gently. She looked at them, her best friend, and her best friend's attending boyfriend, her eyes shining with obvious gratitude. She took another sip from her coffee cup and rubbed her eyes. "Are you eating?" Burke asked.

Meredith shook her head. "I'm just not hungry." She said, offering him a small smile. She had an apple the day before. An apple and a bag of M & M's, she was sure. And coffee. And tequila. She would force herself to eat something tomorrow.

Cristina shook her head. "No, Mer, not good enough. You need to eat something. Look at you. You're skeletal." Cristina slid a tray in front of Meredith. "See? Soup. Fruit salad. Izzie's muffin. Eat it, and maybe you won't spend the whole day fighting off dizziness or whatever." Meredith shrugged listlessly.

"I'm not hungry." She said again.

Cristina shot her a glare. Meredith rolled her eyes, picked up the spoon and started to put spoonfuls of soup into her mouth. Cristina watched her suspiciously, like she was going to spit it out in her napkin or something. "Cristina. I'm eating. And it's not that I don't want to. I'm just not hungry."

Cristina's eyes narrowed at a place behind Meredith's head. Meredith didn't need to turn around to see what the trouble was, because she heard the distinct sound of heels clicking on the ground. Addison sat down at the table. "Dr. Grey. Dr. Yang. Preston." She said. Burke shifted uncomfortably.

"Addison." He said, trying to keep his tone light.

"Dr. Shepherd." Meredith said, her voice breaking slightly on the last name. Cristina just nodded and watched Meredith. Addison started to ask Burke a question, and Meredith went from eating half heartedly to shoveling the food in her mouth. If she was chewing, she wouldn't have to talk to Addison. She was halfway through the muffin when Derek plopped down next to Addison. She smiled brightly and kissed him on the cheek.

Meredith froze, a piece of fruit salad halfway to her mouth. She put her fork down and took a sip of her coffee. She picked up her fork and started to play with the fruit salad in its container, separating each type of fruit from another. When her fruit was separated, she played with her muffin, breaking off pieces and crumbling them onto the tray as she listened to Derek ask Cristina questions about a case they were working on. Addison interjected occasionally, but Meredith stared down at her food, playing with it. She could feel Derek's eyes on her, and looking up would kill her.

Burke was watching Meredith retreat further and further into herself. Finally he cleared his throat. "Dr. Grey." He said. "I know you'll be waiting for Grace Bickham's family to come, but I wonder if a triple bypass might help you to pass the time." Meredith jumped up from the table and nodded. Cristina shot Burke a look and mouthed a silent 'thank you' to him.

Burke led a trembling Meredith to the OR. "Grey, you need to get it together if you're scrubbing in." He told her. She closed her eyes, squeezed them shut and nodded, reaching out and grabbing the edge of the sink to steady her.

"I'm fine, Dr. Burke." She said, opening her eyes. Burke looked at her, reached out and squeezed her shoulder. She smiled at him, with that same look of gratefulness. "Thank you. For all of this." She said. Burke shook his head.

"Expect us to be there for you, Meredith." He said, turning on the sink and starting to scrub in.

* * *

Meredith was riding a serious surgical high when she left the OR. She was actually smiling. Her eyes landed on a gathering outside of Mrs. Bickham's room. She wandered over, and felt that energy draining from her body. Grace's friends and her daughter were sitting around her bed. Grace's breathing was labored and fading. Meredith felt tears prick at her eyes. As the line on Grace's heart monitor went flat, Meredith staggered out of the room and sunk down onto the floor of a linen closet.

When she saw shoes in front of her tear stained, blurred vision, she knew they were Derek's. She wasn't getting air into her lungs. She felt her own breaths coming in quick and shallow puffs. Derek pulled a bag off of the shelf above him and had her in his arms in second. "Mer, calm down."

"I don't… I can't…" she gasped through her tears. He opened the bag and gave it to her, and she took deep breaths into it. She pulled the bag away from her mouth. "I don't want my mother to die alone." She gasped. He gently moved her arms back towards her mouth, and when she could breathe again, she collapsed into his arms, exhausted. He kissed her head, and she turned to face him. "I'm okay." She said.

He looked down at her, one hand rubbing gentle circles into her back. "You're okay?" he asked. She shook her head and her face crumbled.

"I'm not okay." She said, fresh tears falling. Derek's heart broke for her, for them, for everything they had lost. He knew there was nothing he could say to make this easier for her. If he hadn't walked away from her, he would know things about her mother, and her pain, but he had never given them that chance. So he comforted her the only way he knew how. He wiped her tears away with his thumbs and kissed her mouth gently.

She parted her lips to let his tongue into her mouth, deepening their kiss. "Mer, we shouldn't here." He whispered against her mouth. She pulled back and looked at him with stormy, tear filled eyes.

"Please, Derek." She whispered, fiddling with her hands. "I need you." She said softly. It was all she had to say. She leaned back against the floor, and he kissed her softly. She didn't even bother to take off her scrub top. Her pants were slid off by Derek, in a gentle way she had never seen from him before. She clung to him, desperate and fighting tears the whole time. She kept her eyes open, locked on his. He moved slowly, gently. He wanted to find a way to make her feel better.

Meredith finally, under Derek, clinging to him as moved above her, felt something other than crushing numbness. She felt everything, her sense on overdrive. She felt her breath coming in uneven gasps, she felt the elecrtic sensation of his lips on her neck. She felt his arms around her, holding her close to him, and she felt connected when she wrapped her legs around him. She felt alive with him, and right then, in that moment, it was enough.

* * *

Later that night, with Addison draped across his chest, Derek felt the walls closing in on him. He didn't know how much longer he could do this. The guilt was so powerful he couldn't breathe. Even though it should have been the other way around, it was the guilt pf what he was doing to Meredith that kept him up at night. Addison turned the page in her magazine and snuggled into him a little closer. He sighed, and wished that he could turn back time and choose again. There would be a tiny blonde lying in his arms if he could.

Meredith sighed as she lay on one side of George and listened to Izzie. The walls were closing in on her. She knew she was running out of options. This couldn't go on forever. This couldn't go on much longer at all, and she was running out of time. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't keep from going to him. He was her McDreamy; her comfort, her world, her life.

"Meredith, what's wrong?" George asked. "You're all tense and fidgety."

"Nothing." She said harshly.

"Mer, come on. We're not stupid." Izzie said. "We live with you. You've been out of it for weeks. Just because we're not Cristina doesn't mean you have to shut us out." She said, sounding hurt and a little angry. Meredith couldn't deal with it. If she stayed there, she'd have to tell them, and they wouldn't be like Burke and Cristina, they would say things, and shoot her pitying looks, and if anyone did that she would crumble.

So she swung her legs over the bed, turned off the light and padded from the room, leaving George and Izzie to wonder in the darkness what had happened to their friend.


	9. Chapter 9

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**Ok, this chapter took so long to write. It was hard, because there's all the dynamics of this one episode, combined with our story. So, apologies for the delay. Hope you like it. We're not entirely happy with it. Even after all the rewrites, it still feels off. Or rushed. Or both. **

**REVIEW. **

_I'll look after you._

Meredith rolled over and buried her face in her pillow away from Cristina. "I can't do it." She moaned into the fabric. "I'm not going."

"Mer, it's work. You're an intern. You don't have a choice."

"I'll quit the program." She whined, knowing she was being ridiculous. "I can't go because Derek is there, and Addison is there, and every time I see them together my chest tightens and I can't breathe, and last time that happened I begged my McDreamy for sex in a linen closet. And he's not even my McDreamy any more. He's Addison's McDreamy. She's got my McDreamy!" Meredith lamented. Cristina arched an eyebrow, not saying anything, waiting for her to continue. Meredith flopped over to face her friend.

"I'm just his… dirty mistress. Adulterous home wrecker. And every time I see him and his wife, I feel like I'm going to die. So today, I'm going to stay home and feel like I might die. It'll be more comfortable." Cristina nodded slowly, then got up off her friends bed and pulled the covers off of her body.

"Nope. Get up. You're going to drink some coffee, go to work and face him, because laying here and wallowing in misery is only going to make things worse. You will get up. You will go to work. You have me. You have Burke, for God's sakes." Meredith nodded and rolled off her bed, shuffling to the bathroom, not meeting the eyes of George or Izzie. "Okay, we're good." Cristina said, offering Izzie and George a slight smile. George grabbed her elbow as she walked by.

"What's going on with her?" he asked. Cristina gave him her usual exasperated look and shrugged.

"Boyfriend. Wife. You might remember."

It was Izzie's turn to look exasperated. "That was months ago. We're not stupid, Cristina. She barely eats, she drinks like a fish. She's practically catatonic. We live with her, we know something's wrong. We just want to know what it is, so maybe we could, you know, help?"

Cristina gave Izzie a tight smile. "It's nothing." She said forcefully.

"Whatever." Izzie muttered, grabbing a set of keys and slamming the front door.

* * *

"A quiet board is trouble!" The chief ranted to Derek and Burke who stood behind him, slightly amused smirks on their faces. "A quiet board means death! And stop looking at me like." He barked, stalking off in a huff. Burke looked over and shook his head at Derek.

"Dr. Shepherd." He said coolly, raising one disapproving eyebrow and walking away. Sooner or later the anger he felt towards Derek every time he looked at Meredith was going to come out, and he really didn't want that to happen, for Meredith's sake.

"Dr. Burke!" he heard behind him. Burke sighed and turned around. "We've know each other for a while now. We've done several successful surgeries together. Your girlfriend is my… ex girlfriend's best friend. Why can't we call each other by our first names?"

Ex- girlfriend. Burke shot Derek a look of pure disdain and shook his head. "No." he said walking away. "And she's not your ex girlfriend." He muttered to himself, under his breath. Derek shook his head and pulled off his scrub cap, sauntering down the hall. He stopped by his office and picked up his lab coat, shrugging it over his shoulder listlessly. He was ambling towards a lounge to get some coffee, absently glancing over a chart when he saw Meredith, standing before a door, looking beautiful, her hair in a ponytail, her bangs wavy; framing her face.

"You all right?" he asked her. She turned, startled and looked at him, her eyes lighting up a little at the sight of him leaning there, like he was watching over her.

"I have a feeling." She confessed. He nodded.

"I get those. If you wait long enough it passes." They stared at each other, each remembering a time where hands had run through hair, bare skin had touched bare skin and hungry tongue had devoured each other.

"Promise?" she whispered. He swallowed hard and smiled slightly, unable to tear his eyes away.

"I promise." She gave him a slight shrug, and disappeared, leaving him to wonder when he could see her again, when he could feel her again. When he could feel anything again. He stood there, staring at the spot she had occupied moments ago with longing when he felt a presence to his left.

"Hey." Addison said, smiling, her red hair swishing around her face. "What are you doing?" He sighed and avoided her eyes.

"I'm waiting for it to pass."

* * *

Patients came in. They may have had paramedics hands in their stomachs or been a member of Bailey's family, or Bailey herself, but the day seemed normal. Meredith trudged through it all. She had no reason to hurry, no reason to rush. She was happy that she had avoided Derek and Addison together, doing their couple thing.

Derek was barely affected by the fact he was going to operate on Bailey's husband. Tucker Jones wasn't even in the forefront of his thoughts as Addison leaned against the wall, talking about Bailey. Meredith was in his thoughts. The haunted look she'd gave him as walked away from him this morning. Like whatever feeling she'd had was never going to pass. Like she'd never be whole again. He'd hate himself if he did that to her, but he didn't know how to exist in a world where he wasn't inextricably intertwined with her.

"What do I tell Bailey's husband?" Addison asked, reaching up to tie his scrub cap on his head.

"Nothing." Derek snapped, resisting the urge to swat her hands away. "Let's just wait until I get in there and see how bad the damage is. Then you can have something concrete to tell her." He said harshly.

"Keep me posted." Addison said with a smile. "Preston." She said nodding.

"Good to see you again, Addison." He said, feeling sorry for her. She had no idea what was going on, and she seemed so pleased that was trying with her. Derek stared at him. "What?" Burke demanded.

"She gets to call you by your first name and I don't?"

"I like her." Burke snapped.

"And you don't like me?" Derek asked.

"No." Burke snapped, walking into the OR. For the first time, it occurred to Derek that this might have something to do with Meredith, but he shook it off. There was no reason for Burke to know. Meredith was terrified of people knowing. He chalked it up to professional arrogance.

* * *

Meredith hovered outside the room. She had no idea what a code black was, but when Burke had uttered the words bomb squad, it had been motivation enough for her to hightail it to the charge nurse. Burke exited the OR and told them all to leave, and one by one they did, even Alex. Meredith a few scrub nurses were still standing there. "Go." Burke urged her.

"You need a surgical team." Meredith insisted. Burke started to shake his head. "Burke, I owe you this." Meredith said. "I can do this."

"You owe me nothing, Dr. Grey. You don't have to do this." The look on her face told Burke she was going nowhere, so he sent her and the rest of them to wait.

Even if they didn't know it, all of their worlds were crumbling. Crumbling with the potential to be destroyed forever. Cold hard panic spread among them like a virus. From the chief of surgery down to the interns. Richard's hospital, his surgical floor was in danger. Those rooms had become like home to him, and two men he saw as his protégés, like sons, were in the way of the blast. And Meredith Grey. Ellis's daughter. He changed her diapers; he would be damned if she died in his hospital.

Addison should have been focusing on Miranda Bailey and her baby, but her hands were shaking. Derek had refused to evacuate his OR. Typical of him, really. Of course he wouldn't just leave. He wouldn't leave his worst enemy on the table, let alone Bailey's husband. But the crushing reality was that the qualities that made him the man she loved also made him likely to die today. Vaguely, Addison wondered if he knew Meredith was holding the bomb, and if he did, is that why he had decided to stay?

George, Alex and Izzie were bewildered. None of them could wrap their brains around the fact that in the next second, Meredith, or Meredith and Cristina could be blown into unrecognizable bits. It wasn't something they thought about, coming to work. But it was something facing them now.

Cristina scrubbed back into Derek's surgery, trying to keep her face a mask of calm. Difficult, considering the two most important people in her life were trapped in an OR with a bomb. Losing Burke or losing Meredith. It would be so much more than she could take. She promised herself that if they got through this, she would be better to them. She would tell Burke things, she would let him in. She would be more supportive of Meredith, and not call her an idiot for sleeping with Shepherd.

Burke was worried about Meredith. She didn't need this. Of all the things that could happen, she didn't need this. Not while she figuring out who she was, letting herself be defined by her relationship with Shepherd. On top of all that, she did not need this.

Meredith was trying to keep her cool. Telling Burke how competitive she was. Playing it like she knew she would get out of this. She was a liar. She didn't know. In fact, the way her luck was going, she doubted it. And in her head, over and over again, was Derek, this morning, promising her that if she waited long enough, it would pass. The only solace came when as they moved to another OR, and she saw Cristina burst into the hallway.

"Cristina, I have my hand on a bomb. I'm freaking out. And most importantly, I really have to pee. Tell me anything."

"He told me he loved me. Burke. He thought I was sleeping and he said it. Everybody has problems."

"Are you gonna say it back?"

"Of course not. He said it to the sleeping me. Reciprocity is not required. Besides, he might blow up." Cristina said quickly.

"Excellent point." Meredith said, biting her lip. She wanted to say it, but saying it would make her mortality all the more real. "Cristina, if this goes wrong…"

"Mer, don't."

"We might blow up. If I blow up, promise me, you'll tell Derek. You'll tell Derek that he… you know…"

Cristina nodded. "Yeah, I know. You had to say you were going to die today." She said, opening the door to the OR.

"Who said they were going to die today? Was that the girl with the bomb?" Cristina winced. Now she had to grasp around the edges for something to say to Shepherd.

"She had a feeling." Cristina blurted, hoping he would stop asking her questions. Derek smiled.

"No, that was Meredith. Meredith had a feeling." Cristina felt her anger rise again. No sane person would just stick there hand on unexploded ammunition. But someone who was driven out of her mind insane by adulterous sex with her married attending might be crazy enough to do it. She wanted Derek to worry. She wanted him to share in this, feel something for Meredith.

"It is Meredith. The girl with the bomb is Meredith." Cristina told him, watching his face pale and his eyes dull. Time stopped for Derek, and the world started to crumble.

Meredith could see the end of her world in front of her as Burke urged her on. "Grey, his pressure is dropping."

"Burke, this is crazy. You should go. You have to go. Someone has to go. Tell Derek, tell him I'm so sorry."

"Grey." Burke said. "Meredith. No one is dying today." She vaguely heard Dylan telling her things. She knew his lips were moving, but all she could see in her mind's eye was Derek. Derek who had sat on the bed at the hotel that first night and told her that she made him feel a little less broken. If, for no other reason, she would do this, because Derek needed her to feel less broken.

He was breaking as he stepped off the elevator, one thing in mind. Find Meredith. Get to Meredith. "Where is she?" he demanded.

Richard crossed his arms in relief and shook his head. "You had to be a cowboy."

"Where is she?" Derek asked. He wanted to scream when Addison flew into his arms, murmuring things in his ear, clutching him tightly. His eyes never stopped searching over her should for a telltale sign of dirty blonde.

Adele leaned in to her husband. "That is not the she he was asking for." She told him quietly. They watched Derek struggle to break out of Addison's grasp as Tyler ran up to them.

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd, I know it's been quite the day, but one of our ambulances rerouted to Mercy West called. They've got trauma and blocked lungs of triplets. They really need you." Addison wanted to refuse it so badly, but she nodded her head.

"Call them and tell them I'm on my way." She kissed Derek and told him she would see him tomorrow. He nodded and turned away, looking around, when he felt a hand close around his forearm. He turned and looked into the eyes of Adele.

"She went that way." She said, pointing towards the interns locker room.

* * *

Meredith was a mess. Covered in blood, debris and sweat, her breathing was shallow and erratic, and she was sobbing. Uncontrollably. Izzie didn't know how to comfort her, because really, she didn't understand what was wrong. Cristina never knew how to react around sobbing people. Izzie stepped out from under the shower. "I'll go find her a towel." She said. Meredith's shaking hands wrapped around Cristina's wrist.

"I need Derek." She gasped. Cristina nodded, and after cutting off Izzie with the towel, and suggesting she go home and make some food, she saw Derek barreling toward the locker room.

"Is she in there?" he demanded. Cristina nodded and handed him the towel.

"She's a wreck, but she's asking for you." Derek pushed open the door, and saw her, leaning back against the shower wall under the water, shoulder shaking with sobs. His heart broke for her, and without breaking stride, he joined her under the shower and pulled her into his arms, stroking her wet hair.

"You're okay now." He whispered. "I've got you. You're okay." He took her home that night, not caring who saw them. He drove her to her home in his car, not caring who saw them. He climbed into bed with her there, and didn't try to undress her, or touch her. He pulled the covers tight around her body and wrapped his arms around her, stroking her hair and kissing her head and face occasionally, anything to convince himself she was okay.

"I was scared." She whispered to him. He pulled her closer to him, pretending that this was all there was in his world. The two of them. He looked down and saw a few silent tears tracking down her cheeks. He wiped them away with his thumbs.

"I was terrified. Meredith, you almost died today. And when I knew that you could die, I thought I'd never be okay again." She looked up at him with wide, astonished eyes.

"You care that much?" she breathed.

"Of course I care that much, Mer. I care… I care more than you know." He hesitated, not wanting to put anything more on her than necessary now, but deciding to do it anyway. "Promise me that no matter what happens, you will never doubt that I care about you more than I've cared about anyone."

She nodded, and smiled, for the first time, believing she had a reason to be doing this.


	10. Chapter 10

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it. **

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues. **

**Updating problems/ how on Earth do we fit an affair into an anti cheating episode issue delayed this update. BUT, while we changed a lot of the dialouge, this episdoe actually lended itself to the story quietly nicely. **

**REVIEW. **

_Your friends feel sorry for me, they watch you pretend to adore me. – Sheryl Crow_

"It's not like my apartment was full of stolen goods. He's acting like I kept my apartment to hide stolen goods from him." Cristina said, opening her locker. She was complaining, but the sound of her voice barely penetrated Meredith's ears. She saw George hovering around them, but she couldn't really see him. She saw Izzie flirting with Alex, but none it meant anything to her. Not even the news of her mother really hit her. She was walking in a daze.

And Derek had been avoiding her. She had woken up the morning after she stared death in the face to find him gone. Declarations of caring, and of their affair meaning something gone vanishing in the harsh light of day, he was gone. And he had been avoiding her ever since. She was even glad it was raining today. She liked the rain. The darkness it brought. The gloom. She couldn't handle sunny. She followed them all listlessly out into the hallway. She barely noticed Bailey's baby, even as Izzie cooed over it.

She scanned the hallway for the telltale sign of his dark hair as her resident discussed with the other interns the state of the OR. Bailey focused on Meredith, and her eyes narrowed. She knew her interns, and she could see that Meredith had quickly gone from bad to worse over the last few months. "What about you Grey?" she asked. "You fully functional?"

Meredith gave her a tight smiled, followed by her mantra. "I'm fine." She said. "How's your husband?"

"I'm taking him home tomorrow." Bailey said suspiciously. Meredith averted her eyes, only to focus them again when Bailey started barking orders at them. "This is not a tea party. Go save lives. Go." She shuffled off, unsure of how she managed to present a patient to Burke, when really, she didn't care about the patient, or scrubbing in. She just wanted to get to the next room to see if Derek would look at her during rounds.

He didn't. He seemed fine, focused on the patient. On everything Cristina was saying. It just didn't seem fair to her, that he got to seem fine and be focused, when she was anything but fine and all she could focus on was him. She thought about it while she stood at the nurses station, absently filling out a chart. She thought about it through the first half of her conversation with a stranger, until she really looked at him. "You get used to it." She told him when he complained about the rain.

"Makes me want to stay in bed all day." He said, leaning in to her ear. She raised her eyebrows.

"You just met me and you're already talking about bed? Not very subtle." She said, smirking in spite of herself and her bad mood.

"Subtlety has never been my strong point." He said. "Do you ever go out with co-workers?"

She inwardly rolled her eyes. "I make it a point not to."

"I am so glad I don't work here then." He said. Meredith couldn't help but giggle a little.

"Meredith." She said, extending her hand. He took it, and the next thing she knew, her handsome stranger was on the floor. She looked up to see Derek, wincing as he nursed his bleeding hand. "What the hell was that?" she demanded.

"That was Mark." He said. Meredith looked down at the crumpled figure at her feet and then back up at Derek. She shook her head at him, and walked away.

Somehow, only a few minutes later, when the chief had herded Derek and Addison into a conference room, Meredith found herself in an exam room with Mark, tending to the large cut in his face. "So riddle me this, Dr. Grey." He said. Meredith sighed, and continued to apply Q-tips to his face. "Derek walks in on me in bed with his wife. Actually in the throes, and he just walks away. But he finds me so much talking to you, and I'm on the floor bleeding." Meredith said nothing, but her heart skipped a beat with reckless hope.

As she held the mirror for Mark, who insisted on stitching up his own face, her hands shook with the possibility that maybe, just maybe, this man in front of her had a point.

* * *

"What the hell is going on with Meredith?" Izzie mused to George as they stood over the girl with the spontaneous orgasms. "She's all withdrawn and despondent."

George frowned as Addison talked to patient and her father. "I know what you mean. I thought she'd be rebounding by now, but she's just getting worse." He glanced at Addison. "Do you think it's still, Shepherd?"

Izzie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "Oh probably. Although the way she and she Dr. Sloan were looking at each other this morning sort of negates the McDreamy induced sadness theory." Addison's head snapped up. Before she had time to ask them anything, their patient started squirming and moaning on the exam table.

"Okay, we'll take run some tests and see if we cant stop your…"

"Episodes." Her father cut in.

Addison smiled weakly. "That's right. Episodes, okay." She said, flustered. She excused herself and hurried away, trying to remember the last episode she'd experienced. She couldn't think of the last one with Derek, but one with Mark was standing out in her mind.

* * *

"Is Meredith okay?" Alex asked Cristina out of the blue. They were standing outside Chief Webber's office, watching the battle going on between Derek and Mark. Cristina was about to shush him and say she was trying to read lips, but his question startled her.

"Why?"

"She doesn't look okay. She walks around like she's seen a ghost. It's all the time."

Cristina smiled tightly, partially worried about Alex finding out, but also touched by his concern. "She'll be fine." She lied. The truth of the matter was that she didn't know if Meredith would ever be okay again. She looked inside the office and blinked. "Did he just call Sloan a crack whore?"

Inside the office, Derek stopped, looking crestfallen at the chief. "Please don't say yes." He pleaded.

"Derek, out of friendship to you, I would very much like to say no to this jackass, but if he can get the parents approval, I have to let him go ahead with it."

"Chief! This is what he does. He makes these big promises, and usually he doesn't follow through."

"Medically, I follow through, Derek." Mark snapped. "At least give me that." Derek turned around and faced him, seething.

"If you try to make one promise to Meredith, if you touch her, or look at her in anyway, so help me God, Mark."

"Derek, get a hold of yourself." Richard said sternly.

Mark leaned against the back wall of Richard's office, crossed his arms and smirked. "Well that's interesting, Derek." He said. Richard glared at him, and jerked his head, indicating he should leave. Mark twisted the knob, and turned back before he left. "Looks like round two goes to the jackass." He said. Derek stormed out the office before Mark could leave. With one last look at Richard, he left, practically smacking into Addison on the bridge outside.

She said things to him, things about wanting him to, needing him to leave. Mark wasn't hearing any of it until she looked at him and said, "I'm in love with my husband."

Mark let his anger get the best of him. "But he's not in love with you." He said. "He's in love with that intern and he's not even trying to hide it." Addison looked at him and shook her head, a fleeting glance of sadness in her eyes, and walked away.

* * *

Meredith was sitting a desk, packaging up the hate tapes she had helped film, turning over what Mark had said in her head. What if he was right? What if, and she knew it was a big if, but what if Derek actually loved her? "Trading surgery for clerical work?" she heard him ask. She snapped her head. She hadn't even known he was there.

"Fulfilling a patient's dying request to send hate mail to everyone he ever met." She said. Derek sat down and ran a hand through his thick, dark hair.

"Right now, I understand the impulse." He said, his jaw clenching involuntarily.

"You have no right to be made at her for this. Or him, you know." Meredith said. "You are her. I am him. We're not different than they were. Why did she cheat on you? Were you different then?" she asked, surprising herself with her bluntness.

"I was… absent." He admitted. "Not that it's an excuse for her." He muttered darkly.

"There's not an excuse for us either, Derek." She said.

He shook his head vigorously. "You and I are different." He insisted.

"Why?" she challenged, daring him with her eyes to say what he was feeling. Derek looked down at his hands, not saying anything. When he met her eyes again, he saw Mark leaning against the doorframe.

"Jake's ready when you are, man." He said. He lifted an eyebrow at them. "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something?" Meredith jumped up and shook her head, collecting her things to leave. Mark shot her a pointed glance which she ignored and shot out the door. Derek followed suit, leaving Mark staring at the chairs they had occupied, wondering why there was such intensity between them.

She was surprised that Burke had told her to send the tapes. She was surprised that their patient still wanted his tapes sent. She was surprised at his ability to be candid and honest, because she was trapped in a world of secrets and lies. He either didn't love her and was just hanging on to something unknown to her, or he did love her, and he just couldn't say it.

She wanted him to love her. She desperately wanted him to love her. But she had no way of knowing. She was the one who had said she loved him. He had never gotten the chance to say it back. Or not say it back. Sometimes, she was able to convince herself he did, he had to. It was in the way he looked at her, it was in everything. And then Mark said things that made her really think, that gave her enough hope to fantasize that he loved her, and one day he was going to wake up and realize he didn't have to try anymore, and then they would be okay.

After all, he had punched Mark in the face for her, which was more than he had done for Addison. She finally heard George, who she realized had been standing at the counter, talking to her for some time. She looked up at him, and said the only thing that came to mind. "I don't want to make video tapes on my deathbed, George." And then she left, with the page she had torn out from the phonebook. The page that had the address of Thatcher Grey.

She rounded the corner to the elevator, but saw Derek and Addison getting on, so she wisely took the stairs. Inside the metal box she had avoided Addison looked at her husband. "I hardly saw you today." She said quietly.

"I didn't want to see you today." Derek said, feeling a little guilty at his own hypocrisy. Meredith had a point. He shouldn't be mad at them, not now that he was doing the same thing. But it was different. He loved Meredith. The door opened and Mark walked in. "I'll take the stairs." Derek said roughly.

"Oh come on, Derek." Mark said. "Why can you forgive her, not me?"

"I didn't forgive her." Derek snapped. "And with you, I have no obligation to try." The doors shut and Mark turned to Addison.

"Your marriage is over Addison." He said. "All you have to do is admit it." She shook her head, fighting back tears at what her husband had just said. Mark sighed and rubbed and hand over his hair. "Come on, Addie. You know why he's with you? Because he has to play the good guy. He's using you to look like the good guy to that intern. Because when he looks at her, he sees love, and a wedding, and a fairy tale that ends with kids, a dog and a freaking white picket fence. He looks at you, and sees the obligation, the burden that's standing in the way of that."

Before she knew what she was doing, Addison picked up her hand and smacked Mark's cheek, not caring that Derek had already done that once today. She glared at him as he raised a hand to the imprint of her palm. He smiled at her. "Why do you think you're so angry Addie? Because you know that I'm right. I'll be at the bar across the street. Meet me." He said, stroking her porcelain cheek, and striding off the elevator.

He drove to the bar across the street, sat down next to Meredith Grey herself and ordered a double scotch. "You look sad." He told her. She shrugged.

"I just saw my father for the first time in twenty years." He took a sip of his drink, waiting for her to continue. "And it could have gone better." She admitted.

"It's not just that." Mark said, reading her eyes. "It's Derek too, isn't it?" She looked down into her glass and nodded slowly. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm hoping Addison shows."

Meredith looked up at him, wide eyed and questioning. "You're still in love with her?" she asked. Mark gave her a look.

"You're still in love with him." Meredith sighed and took a sip from her own glass.

"So what do we do?" she asked him. He shrugged and took another sip of scotch.

"We wait. We cling. We follow them around, and we hold on for the day where everything that's between them finally fractures."

* * *

The two women would have been surprised at how similar they were. Addison was sitting in the trailer, in the dark, with a cup of tea, letting silent tears streak down her face. Meredith was sitting in her bed, in the dark, watching the rain streak down her window, seeing the drops as the tears she didn't have the energy to cry.

Addison was crying for a lot of reasons, most of which she didn't understand. She was crying for everything she had done to destroy what she had with Derek. She was crying because somewhere, she missed Mark. But mostly, she was crying because everything Mark said to her about Derek was true.

Meredith was sitting there in her dazed and unfeeling state because she felt like the answers were right in front of her face, but she couldn't quite see them. It was like driving in the dark without headlights. She felt herself on the verge of collapse, but she was powerless to stop it. She heard a knock at her door.

"Mer, it's George. I really need to talk to you."

"We'll talk tomorrow, George." She called back.

"Meredith, it's important." She wiggled under her covers, and pretended to be asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**Ok, this chapter is not our favorite. It's basically tying up the loose ends we created by skipping the tragic sex between Mer and George. This is our spin on all of that- still an issue between them obviously. Guilt plays in here, and Meredith is starting to deteriorate, as well as her friendships. **

**REVIEW. **

_Please hand me the bottle, well I think I'm lonely now,  
and please give me direction, I think the hurt set in,  
but I don't feel nothing yet. _

Meredith left her room the next morning noticing that her body ached. She was tired. She needed to eat, but the thought of food made her stomach turn. She looked up and saw George looking back at her. She attempted some sort of smile, but he didn't smile back.

"I love you." He said bluntly. She just closed her eyes. "That's what I tried to tell you last night. It was important. And you just brushed it off. You ignored me, Meredith. You didn't even care enough to listen to me for five seconds."

"George, I'm…" She started. He shook his head.

"Really, I'm glad you didn't open that door. Because I know you don't feel the same way. And I know there's something going on with you. I know that you're wrapped up in something, but God, Meredith, I tried all day and all day you just ignored me."

"I'm sorry." She whispered. He shook his head and walked away, leaving Meredith standing in the hallway. He turned around before he went down the stairs.

"It would be nice if you could even pretend you cared a little." He said, shaking his head.

She knew she should have been more concerned about George. He was one of her best friends. But all she could think about was Derek. She slumped against her door and wondered what he was doing right now, if he was awake, or if he was still sleeping. If he was holding Addison the way he held her. But most of all she wondered why she could make George love her by just being herself, but she couldn't make Derek love her, even by giving him everything she had to give.

Derek was waking up while she thought of him, to the sound of her dog barking. He liked waking up to Doc most days. Doc was Meredith's dog, and it was almost like she was there. But today, he was torn, confused and just too angry at everything to be happy to hear a dog barking this early. He mumbled something to him to try and get him to stop making noise. "  
I'll take him." Addison said. Derek shook his head and started to rise, but she was already out of the bed. "I'll take him. You just sleep. Unless you want to talk."

Derek buried his face in his pillow and fought the urge to scream. "Oh God, here it comes." He muttered.

Addison winced. "Usually, you get mad and you yell. So here's your chance. Yell. Yell about Mark, me, anything." She paused briefly to consider the fact that she was begging her husband to yell at her, pleading with him to show that he cared enough to be mad.

"I don't want to yell." He said. "I just want to sleep." Addison frowned and nodded and left the trailer, letting the door slam shut behind her. She looked around at the foliage and the wilderness, and couldn't help but think how much she missed New York, and the people they had been bacl then.

* * *

It was becoming an obsession. To see if she could say something, do something, anything that would get him to give her something. A look, a subtle touch as they passed, anything. Guilt festered inside of her, a guilt that manifested itself in her work. If she saved lives, and did the best she could with her job, it felt like she was erasing the horror of what she did with Derek. She had to make amends somehow.

They were doing rounds. She rattled off the exact condition, diagnosis and course of action of a little boy who got hit in the head with a baseball. Derek nodded and examined him, not glancing her way. The distance made it seem more obvious, she was sure. She lived in apprehension for the day George and Izzie finally picked up on the signs. Sometimes she didn't know why she cared so much. It became more and more apparent that he was never going to leave Addison. She half wanted everyone to know, wanted Addison to hear it through the rumor mill and go back to New York and frost herself in Cartier to get over the pain, never returning to Seattle, but that would be tainted.

Meredith watched him explain to this young boy's parents exactly what he was going to do to ensure their son's safety, all the while hating him and herself for condemning them. There was no going back after this.

Meredith and Addison were having similar problems with karma. As Meredith realized her karma would be the slow, painful self induced destruction of any hopes of ever having a relationship with Derek again, Addison's karma was confirmed by Bailey while her Blahnik heels were in the stir ups. "You have poison oak." Bailey said. "Where nobody wants to have poison oak." Bailey looked in again. "How did you…?"

"I slept with Mark Sloan." Addison moaned.

"And he had…? Dear Lord."

"No!" Addison snapped. "I slept with him a year ago. This is karma, Miranda. I have poison oak because I live in a trailer. And I have Meredith Grey's dog, because my husband will hang onto anything that is Meredith Grey related. And I took him out this morning and I had to pee, so I squatted. Because God knows that's better than facing Derek and his silence." She all but shouted. Bailey shook her head.

"I'm almost sorry I asked."

Addison sighed. "I just don't know why karma keeps on biting me in the ass. Derek was _married_ when he got into a relationship with Meredith, and now he's making a mockery of that marriage. Where's his karma?" she muttered bitterly. Bailey raised her eyebrows.

"I'm just going to go find the calamine lotion." She said, backing away from Addison.

* * *

"So what did you do to the Fetus?" Alex asked Meredith as they sat down, pouring over charts.

"Why do you assume I did something?" she asked, still trying to wrap her brain around the fact that a few short hours ago, George had professed his love for her.

Alex chuckled. "Because, you Grey, look guilty." Meredith looked down. "So you slept with O'Malley. Big deal. Your life sucks, your get drunk and sleep with inappropriate men. It's your thing. I find it charming."

Meredith crossed her arms indignantly. "I did not sleep with George." She said. Alex looked at her expectantly. She sighed and started talking again. "He tried to talk to me yesterday. Actually, for a while now." She admitted. "And I just ignored him. And then this morning I find out that what he wanted to tell me was that he loves me. Loves me. It's ironic, you know?" she asked softly. "That _he_ loves me." Alex smiled softly at her, showing a side of him she rarely saw.

"Maybe Shepherd doesn't deserve to love you, Mer." She laughed bitterly.

"I have to go check on his patient." She said, striding away. She checked on the boy to find he must have been clotting. She paged Derek immediately, her heart racing.

"What happened?" he asked, bursting into the room. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"Routine neuro check. All his stats were altered. It's gotta be a clot." She said quickly. Derek reached into the cart a nurse had wheeled in behind him.

"Get them out of here." He said gesturing to the parents. When they refused to leave, she saw his urgent angry side. "I'm about to drill a hole in your son's head. You don't want to watch this!"

"He is our son! We're not leaving his side." Meredith shook her head at Derek, knowing there was no way they were leaving. She assisted him with the drill and as he pulled it out of the boy's head, assuring both of his fathers that he would be okay, their hands met, and their eyes locked. He closed his fingers over hers for just a few seconds, but it was enough to make her hand feel like it was on fire. Their eyes met and locked, and she felt drawn into him. Meredith kept her feet planted on the other side of the little kid's bed to keep from falling towards him.

She had a mental picture of them being alone in the room, and her being drawn into him so far she just fell at his feet. She tore her eyes away from his and wondered what he would do. He shook his head, muttered something and walked out of the room, set on finding Addison. If he could give his wife something, anything to make her smile, maybe he wouldn't feel so guilty. "Dr. Bailey." He said, practically smacking into her in the hall. "Have you seen my wife?"

"Yes, I have and no I'm not telling you where she is."

"She went to you for a consult." He countered. "She could be sick, dying. She'd want me there."

"She's not and she doesn't. I'm not telling you anything, so don't try." She said, raising her eyebrows.

"I saved your husband." He pointed out.

"She saved my baby." She said, walking away.

Derek stared after her, dumbstruck. "Baby trumps husband?" he called down the hall.

* * *

Meredith sat down next to Alex again, feeling emotionally drained just from looking him in the eye. "Dude." Alex said. "You look like shit, Mer."

She gave him a half smile. "Gee, thanks, Alex." She said. She felt like it too. She felt weak and tired. Every medical instinct in her body was screaming at her to eat something, but the only thing she wanted was a cup of coffee. She looked at Alex. He didn't look so good either. "What's wrong?" she asked him.

He shrugged and looked at her. "When did you know you were losing Shepherd?" he asked. Meredith sucked in a ragged breath, surprised at the question she hadn't been expecting at all. She thought back to when she thought she really was losing him.

"We were here, after the train wreck, and for a few hours, I didn't know. And then all of a sudden, he looked at me, and it was like, the OR, the crash, it all faded away, and I just knew, that there was nothing that would save us." She said softly. She looked at him. "Why?"

He took a deep breath. "I feel like I'm losing Izzie. Or what I ever had of Izzie in the first place. Any words of wisdom from the miserable one herself?" Meredith shrugged. Alex eyed her. "So you ignored O'Malley when he tried to talk to you and you blew him off when he said he loved you. Big deal." He said.

"You told _Alex_?" George yelped from his position feet away. Meredith jumped up and followed him as he started darting away from her. He ran down the hall and into the stairway. "You know, I didn't think I would become gossip for you and Alex!" he shouted.

"George, that wasn't it. Can we just talk about this?" she asked.

He stared at her, open mouthed and wide eyed. "Oh, now you want to talk?" he shouted. "Well I'm clearly the last person that you ever care enough about to talk to since you told everyone that I'm in love with you!"

"You told her?" Izzie screeched incredulously, as Cristina made a horrified face. George's own face changed from anger to shock as it sunk in, and in his haste to get down the stairs, he tumbled.

They watched him through the undrawn blinds of his exam room as he waited for an orthopedist. Izzie glared at Meredith. "You could have listened to him, you know. All he wanted was for you to pay attention to him, even for just a minute."

"Izzie…" Cristina said warningly.

Izzie rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know you too have this big secret, and that she's so fragile. But you still need to make time for your friends, Meredith. Because pretty soon, you just won't have any. And if it comes down to choosing sides, I'm on his." She said, striding away.

"George O'Malley?" asked the woman, striding into the room. He nodded listlessly. She smiled. "Dr. George O'Malley. You're the heart in the elevator guy." She noted appreciatively, introducing herself as Callie Torres. She glanced out the window to where Meredith was still staring in. "I think your girlfriend is pretty worried about you."

George sighed. "She's not my girlfriend. She could be. Since I told her I loved her. But she didn't seem to care." Callie asked George a few questions about his shoulder, and popped it back into place before he could anticipate the pain.

"She wouldn't care, would she?" she asked, earning a strange look from George. "I mean, she's sleeping with Shepherd, right?"

"What?" George sputtered. "No. She wouldn't. He's married. Who told you that?"

Callie shrugged. "I've heard it around. But if you say it's not true…"

"It's not." George defended. Callie smiled at him, and gingerly helped him fix his arm in a sling.

"I'll see you around, George." She said.

* * *

Meredith was leaning against the wall of the elevator for support. Her head was spinning, her world was crumbling and she just didn't care. She didn't care that George was mad at her and Izzie soon would be too. She wished that Derek was the one telling her he loved her, and that they would make it no matter what. She looked up as he entered the elevator, and taking one look at her, rushed to her side. She shook her head to rebuff his questions of what was wrong.

"Don't be nice to me." She whispered. "I don't deserve it. I'm terrible. We're terrible. My friends are pulling away from me. I did something, something bad, and I'm ignoring them, and I'm doing it for you."

"I'm not pulling away from you." He said softly.

She looked at him sharply. "You are not my friend. "

"Yes, I am." He protested. She just shook her head. "I walk Doc every other morning, in the park, where we used to go. Meet me. We can have coffee. Talk." She looked at him for a long time.

"I'll meet you, Derek." She finally agreed. "But not as your friend." They got off of the elevator and went separate ways. Bailey pulled Derek aside, and made sure Meredith was out of ear shot before she started speaking. She led him down the hallway and into an exam room.

"No looking, no peeking, no talking. You let her talk to you. Do you understand?"

Derek glared at her, still upset over the state of Meredith. "I'm not mentally challenged." He said.

Bailey raised her eyebrows. "I'm not so sure." She said, leaving the room. Derek rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. He didn't have time for this.

"I'll show you." Addison said. "But you do not get to laugh or gloat." Derek agreed and pulled back the curtain. "I have poison oak." Addison groaned.

Derek assessed the situation, and stood back smirking. "You do indeed have poison oak." Addison started ranting, but Derek didn't hear her; he was focused on not laughing. When the corners of his mouth twitched up for the last time, he finally burst out laughing. Addison joined him, and he was surprised at how good it felt. To laugh with his wife. To do something normal.

Meredith was walking through the hallway, trying to track down George when she heard the unmistakable sound of Derek's laughter. It filled her with warmth, really. She didn't need to eat anymore. This was sustaining her. She smiled to herself a little, and then she heard another laugh chime in. A soft, elegant one, one she knew belonged to Addison. She felt her stomach drop, and hurried down the hallway.

When she got home, George was leaving his room with a suitcase. Meredith closed her eyes. She didn't have the energy to deal with this. All she wanted to do was sleep until the world ended. "There's a suitcase in the hallway." She said.

George nodded. "I need some time away from this. So I don't live here right now." He said. She nodded and he looked her in the eye. "Meredith. Are you sleeping with Shepherd? Is that why you don't care about this?"

She didn't hesitate before she looked him back in the eye and shook her head. "Of course not, George. No." The lie rolled off of her tongue so easily even he bought it. George who could usually see through her. She scared herself with how convincing her lies were. He nodded.

"Okay. I'll be back soon." He said before disappearing. She entered her room and threw herself down on her bed without even changing her clothes. She thought about going to Joe's, and then realized that there was still half a bottle of tequila in her own kitchen. She dragged herself off of the bed and downstairs to retrieve it.

When she plopped back down on her bed, she wanted to cry so badly. She wanted to lie down and cry until she couldn't cry anymore. She wanted to cry for herself and Derek, for Addison, for her friends, for George, for everything. But instead, she screwed the cap off of the bottle and put it to her lips, drinking it down quickly.

She swallowed and looked at it. A few more long gulps and she wouldn't want to cry anymore. She wouldn't feel anything at all.

The next morning when Derek quietly left the trailer with Doc and his cell phone to call her, her phone rang and rang, but there was no answer from the woman who was passed out in her bed, with an empty bottle of tequila on the floor next of her room.


	12. Chapter 12

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**Ahh, yes, we are back. This story is our absolute favorite. We wont lie. So here, Derek is trying to justify it. Theyre friends, he says. Oh, and theres a sex scene we're kind of proud of. **

**REVIEW. **

_Ex friends to the end, better off as lovers, and not the other way around. _

It was sunny and getting warmer. There was something about spring that helped you forget your problems. Or maybe there was something about walking your dog in the spring, giving you precious moments alone with your married boyfriend that helped you forget your problems.

"How are things with George?" Derek asked, smiling at her. Meredith scowled. So much for forgetting her problems. She considered his question, because she really didn't know the answer. George was living with Burke and Cristina.

"It's not so good. He hasn't moved back yet. I don't really want to…" she trailed off. "What about you?" she asked, wondering if he would bring up the big problem in his life: her. "Tell me about your problems."

Derek stopped walking and looked at her, her eyes sparkling and her blonde hair shining in the early morning sun. "Right now, in this moment? I don't have any." He said. She smiled and he looped his fingers through hers, and they lazily strolled after Doc, like neither of them had a care in the world.

* * *

The first room she walked into during rounds was a patient of Addison's. Meredith tucked the hand that Derek had held behind her back, thinking maybe if she saw it, she would somehow know. Meredith kept her eyes trained on the floor as someone rattled off the patient's condition. She counted tiles and refused to meet anyone's eyes. They turned to leave, but Meredith and Cristina hung back when the patient's husband addressed Addison.

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd, thank you so much for taking my wife's case." He said, looking at her in awe.

Addison smiled. "You're welcome, Mr. Gibson. She'll be in great hands, I assure you." She said. He stepped back a little and eyed her.

"Has anyone ever told you that you bear a striking resemblance to young Catherine Deneuve?" he asked. Addison shook her head. "You do." He continued. "Stirking. Just beautiful. Well, Miss Denevue. And you, of course." He stammered.

Meredith met Cristina's eyes and snickered. Addison's head turned sharply. "Something funny Dr. Grey?" Meredith's eyes got big and she shook her head, pressing her lips together to keep from laughing. Addison rolled her eyes. "Grey, go to the pit. Find a case." Meredith shrugged at Cristina and headed down the hallway. "O'Malley, go with her." Addison snapped.

George followed her wordlessly. Meredith shot nervous side long glances at him, until he finally met her eyes. "When are you moving back home?" she asked him quietly. He shrugged. "George…" she pleaded.

He turned to her. "You rejected me." He said flatly. "I know why you did it and I don't blame you for it, but you rejected me, okay? I don't want to be there right now." He said, shifting his weight and waiting for the elevator. He shook his head. "I'm going to take the stairs."

Meredith found her way to the pit to see Derek was already there. Her eyes widened at the sight of a woman with a fork stuck in her neck. Derek waved her over, so she could hear what was going on. "She was giving me some special attention under the table." The husband said. Derek looked at Meredith, an amused smirk playing across his features. She smirked back in spite of herself, feeling a slow heat travel up the back of her neck. "And then she bit down. I panicked." The husband said. Derek smiled.

"I'm more concerned about what cause the seizure that caused the biting." He said, obviously stifling a snicker. Meredith raised her eyebrows at him.

Kyle, the husband, bit his lip, looking unsure. "It's her aneurism." He blurted out. Meredith watched Derek as he persuaded the wife to at least let him look at it. She watched his lips and his eyes, and how the contours of his face changed as he spoke. Meredith vaguely heard the wife talking about how they were going to see the Space Needle together. She met Derek's eyes and then looked away quickly.

It pained Derek, to see this couple, obviously in love, together forever. A part of him hated them for it, for having what he wanted to have with Meredith. As they finished arguing and decided he could look at the aneurism, he leaned down to Meredith. As he neared her, he felt her shiver. "Take her for an MRI." He said. He lowered his voice. "It was good to see you today."

Meredith talking to Sylvia, the patient after she pulled the fork out of her neck, about her aneurism. "How much do you know about Dr. Shepherd?" Kyle, her husband asked.

Meredith sighed. "Dr. Shepherd, is, he's extraordinary. He's really an amazing surgeon." Sylvia's shoulder tensed.

Meredith saw herself in this woman. Sylvia didn't want to talk about her problem, she wanted to avoid it. Meredith knew that feeling. "Is Dr. Shepherd your boyfriend?" Sylvia asked.

Meredith felt her stomach drop and she pressed her lips together before answering. "No." she said, smiling sadly. "No, he's not my boyfriend." Desperate to change the subject, she flipped her chart open to her MRI results. "You seem incredibly okay with your prognosis." Meredith said.

Sylvia smiled and nodded. "I am okay with it. It woke me up. Woke my marriage up. I was sleepwalking through life, Dr. Grey. My aneurism? It changed that." Meredith nodded as her pager went off at her side. She checked it and smiled apologetically, turning to go. "I hope something wakes you up, Dr. Grey." Sylvia said.

The page was from Derek. When she found him, he was standing on the bridge, holding a sandwich that he unwrapped and handed half to her. She shrugged and took a bite. Eating lunch with a married man wasn't a crime, was it? "We are friends, you know." He said, watching her carefully as she chewed.

Meredith swallowed quickly. "We're adulterers, not friends." She countered, sighing and taking another bite of her sandwich.

"I'm still your friend." He said quietly, wanting so badly to reach out and pull her close to him that it hurt. A dull ache settled in his arms, and ache that could only be relieved by wrapping them around Meredith.

"Why are you doing this?" she demanded. "Why are you trying to make this okay? It's not okay, Derek." She said quickly. He opened his mouth to tell that it would be okay, it would all be okay, but they both froze at the sound of a familiar laugh. He turned and his eyes landed on his wife. "Does Addison know you think we're friends?" Meredith asked. As Derek averted her gaze and looked down at the floor, she nodded and walked away.

He was still thinking about it later as he talked to Kyle about his wife. "She won't have the surgery." Kyle said. "And it's all my fault. I didn't notice her. I barely looked at her for all of those years." Derek realized he was talking about his wife. He thought of Addison and felt his heart clench with guilt. He thought of Meredith and winced at the thought of ending things with her.

"Will you talk to her Dr. Shepherd? She might listen to you." Derek ran a hand through his hair and thought about it. He had to talk to her. He nodded to Kyle and set off after another man's wife. As he talked to Sylvia, and listened to her talk about what is was like to be in the marriage she was in, with a husband who didn't notice her, he realized she could have been Addison.

"So you're not having the surgery because of your marriage?" he asked. "You don't have to go back to settling for a lukewarm marriage. In fact, promise yourself you will never settle for anything again. Fight for your life. Fight for your marriage." He said, thinking about what a hypocrite he was.

* * *

Meredith couldn't stop staring at him. Even in his scrub cap and geeky glasses he only wore in surgery, she was so attracted to him she felt like she was on fire. They were in room with an exposed brain, seven scrub nurses and a gallery full of people watching, but the science nerd in her wanted to jump him. She fought a squirm as she watched him work. The hands that made him a great surgeon were loosening the clot in Sylvia's brain.

All of the power that came with surgery swirled around him, and made him appeal to her in a different way than he normally did. Meredith watched him intently, her skin growing hot. She watched him, but she didn't see his eyes flicker towards his wife in the gallery.

As they scrubbed out together, completely alone in the dimly lit room, she looked over at him in awe, a reverence still shining in her eyes. "That was amazing." She breathed. "You were just…" she trailed off. "Wow." She said softly, unconsciously licking her lips.

Derek wiped the water off of his hands and turned to face her. She was beautiful, with her shiny blonde hair, her big eyes. Her lips glistened, and a flush was present in her pale cheeks. He felt a stirring inside of him, and as much guilt as he had felt that day, none of it mattered now.

"Meredith?" he asked. "Disregard everything I said at lunch today." He told her, taking a step closer to her. She looked at him with wide eyes. "I don't want to be your friend." He told her, his voice growing husky. He closed the gap between them and kissed her hard, his tongue pushing its way into her mouth and meeting no resistance. He kissed her, backing her up to the wall. She shuddered as her back hit the cold, hard structure and his lips found the nape of her neck.

His hands traveled urgently down her scrub pants, expecting to find a layer of underwear to push aside, but there was none. He looked at her, his eyes questioning, but her eyes had already glazed over. She didn't have the patience to tell him she couldn't find clean panties that morning, so she just arched against the wall, pushing herself towards his hand. His fingers dipped inside of her roughly, and he moved them in and out quickly. Her breath came in short ragged gasps against his neck and her hand moved into his hair, tugging it occasionally. He pressed his thumb against her most sensitive spot, and pressed a finger to her lips as she cried out for him.

He looked towards the door, closed but unlocked. "Quiet." He whispered, his free hand traveling up her top to push her bra aside. Her head lolled back against the wall, and he increased the speed of his fingers going in and out of her. She felt his thumb brush against the breast he cupped with his hand and she bit her lip to keep from crying out.

"Derek…" the hushed moan of his name fell from her lips. Blindly she reached for the ties on his scrubs and pulled the undone. She dipped her hand low enough to grab a handful of navy blue fabric and pull him to her body. "Derek, now." She gasped. He leaned in and kissed her full on the lips, and even against her mouth, she could feel him grinning devilishly. Her body hummed with electricity as her scrubs fell to the floor and she could feel him, tantalizingly close to her.

He slipped inside of her quickly, thrusting urgently, and the world went away. There was no affair, no secret wife, and no gorgeous woman who thought he was trying. There was no hospital rumor mill, no politics, and no questions. There was only Meredith and Derek, the thrusting of their hips, their skin against each other's skin, and the nearness of their bodies. He pulled her tightly up against him as the movement of his lower body quickened. Her nails dug angry half moons in his shoulders through his scrub top as she struggled to stay quiet.

"God, Mer." He muttered as he felt her tightening around him. Her head fell back against the wall as she struggled to breathe and stay silent, feeling a huge orgasm building somewhere deep inside of her. His lips found the sensitive skin of her neck, and every scrape of his teeth against her flesh made her whole body tingle. Her head rose with effort, her labored breathing deepening as he drove her closer to the edge. Her hands moved down his arms and back up into his hair wildly, with desperation.

"Derek." She gasped. Her lips parted and he captured them with his, kissing her hard. She moaned into his mouth, hoping she wasn't too loud and yanked the curls at the nape of his neck as they both came.

She had left abruptly; left him standing there, retying his scrubs, his chest heaving, his eyes fixed on her. He looked like a vision, something almost holy. She turned and left, running down the hall and away from him, because there was nothing holy about them. Her hair was a mess, her face was flushed and she felt sweat roll down her neck. She practically smacked into Izzie as she ran away from him. She felt her friends hand close around her elbow, and she led Meredith to a linen closet. Meredith waited inside, trying to discreetly wipe the fluid off of her inner thighs as Izzie shut the door. Meredith yanked her hand from her scrubs as Izzie turned around.

"Meredith, I need to talk to you." Izzie said, her voice low and urgent. "Something happened to me today, something big. Something that could be bad." She started pacing the length of the closet. "Denny Duquette was readmitted. Something happened between us. I think I crossed a line, Meredith. He needed an LVAD and he wasn't going to get it, but I tried to convince him. I pushed him, and he agreed to it. I crossed a line." She looked up at her friend, her roommate, her eyes begging for advice. "I think I'm falling for my patient." She confessed.

Meredith had nothing to say in response. Falling for a patient seemed easy compared to what she was going through. She would rather be falling for Chief Webber than getting fucked against walls by a married Derek. She just stared at Izzie, trying to collect her thoughts into something. Izzie wrung her hands together in desperation. "Meredith, please. I need your help. Just this once, pretend that we're still friends." She said. It stung Meredith to hear that; she knew she was pulling away from them, but she couldn't think of a single word to say. She was starting to feel trapped, like the room was shrinking. So she pushed past Izzie and left.

* * *

Derek set a course for Sylvia's room, glad he was able to break good news to someone. Meredith's eyes as she had turned and run down the hall were haunting him. They looked terrified, like he could reach out and shatter her at any moment. He realized that, in a way, he could.

"The surgery went perfectly, Sylvia." He said. "You can still go to Paris, but it doesn't have to be your last trip." He accepted their thanks and praise with modest nods and turned to leave. "Don't settle, Sylvia." He reminded her as he crossed the threshold.

"Dr. Shepherd?" she called after him. He turned around to look in the room, his eyebrows raised. "You should stop making Dr. Grey settle." She told him. Dumbfounded, he walked away quickly.

A few paces down the hall, what his patient had picked up on and told him sunk in. "I can't." he whispered to himself.


	13. Chapter 13

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**So here's Episode 21, the superstitions one. This is the beginning of the end for Meredith. She's scared and guilty and just falling apart. **

**REVIEW. **

_I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life. _

It was not the way she wanted to start the day. Meredith had done well that morning, managing to sneak out of the house without running into Izzie, managing to avoid George in the halls, managing to avoid Derek, and thoughts of Derek. It was turning out to be an okay morning, until Bailey assigned her to Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Montgomery Shepherd.

So she stood, scrubbing her hands watching Addison take off her wedding rings, stick them in the breast pocket of her scrubs and give them a little pat. The satisfied smile that graced her delicate face did not go unnoticed by Meredith. She didn't want to watch Addison take off her wedding rings; she didn't want to watch Addison do anything. But there she was, watching Addison intently.

All through surgery, she couldn't pull her eyes away. There was something mesmerizing about Addison. That Derek had her, and still wanted Meredith didn't make sense at all. In a way, watching Addison move, talk, or perform surgery was a masochistic way of reinforcing what Meredith already knew: she would lose him to her for good one day. Blood spurting from the exposed uterus snapped her out of her thoughts as she joined the scramble to save a life.

In the end, their efforts were fruitless; the patient died anyway. "Sometimes, you can't save them." Addison said quietly. Meredith could have laughed at the irony. "Call it Grey." Addison snapped.

Meredith pulled off her mask and sighed. "Time of death…"

* * *

"I'm telling you," Izzie announced. "Death comes in threes and sevens."

Cristina rolled her eyes and shot Meredith a look. "Oh, well if the morgue guy said so…" she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. She slammed her locked shut and began working her wild curls into a ponytail.

"Um, he's the morgue guy." Izzie said, as if it were the most logical thing in the world. "He knows stuff about death. Speaking of death…" she said coolly, looking at Meredith. "What happened to you?"

Meredith looked down at her hands and wrung them together. "Nothing, why?"

Izzie gave her a tight smile that didn't come close to reaching her eyes. "You look awful." She said, slamming her locker and leaving the room. Meredith leaned over, resting her head on her knees and squeezed her eyes shut.

"She's got a point." Cristina said. "You look like hell." Meredith lifted her head and turned around to give her friend a look. Cristina shrugged. "But it's work. No one will notice." They stood up and wandered out into the hallway.

"Interns to the ER." Bailey said. "We've all had deaths. Let's go save some lives, okay?" Meredith stumbled along behind them, the nights of no sleep and lack of appetite catching up with her. She just didn't have energy. As she caught up, Addison was holding a steaming cup of hot chocolate in front of her. Meredith looked at her and blinked.

"Thank you for your help today, Dr. Grey." Addison said, smiling. Meredith reached out and took the cup, looking between it and Addison like she didn't understand, because really, she didn't.

"Thank you Addison." She said, smiling. She saw Derek approaching his wife, so she cast her eyes down to the floor and hurried off after the other interns. Before she got into the ER, she looked over her shoulder, and seeing no one coming, tossed the entire cup in the trash can.

"You ju-jued Meredith." Derek said to his wife incredulously. He stood next to his wife, leaning back onto the nurse's station, masking his guilt by talking to her without really looking at her face. It was much easier to stare blankly at the hustle and bustle of the hospital than to look at Addison's hopeful, trusting face.

"Well, we're friends." She said bravely, smoothing down her hair and sipping her cocoa, hoping that being a mature adult would win her some kind of favor with whatever Gods could get her husband to love her. At this admission, Derek turned to her, looking confused.

"Meredith and I are friends." He corrected. Addison raised her eyebrows, but her expression didn't show the hurt she felt at his comment.

"And you and I are married." She reminded him. "Which makes Meredith and I friends by association." She said, taking another sip of hot chocolate, as if it really were all that simple.

Derek shrugged and looked away again, wondering if it was possible for guilt to eat through you, and leave you completely hollow on the inside. "Well," he stated. "That's big of you."

* * *

Meredith sighed and pushing Nicky, her patient who couldn't seem to stop blurring the line between truth and fiction onto the elevator. She was relieved to see Cristina there, looking exasperated with her patient who was counting. Meredith ignored the patients, the reason they were here and looked at Cristina.

"Addison hot chocolated me." She said. "I got hot chocolated by the She Shepherd." She looked down. "I didn't drink it." She admitted. "I don't want her ju-ju or whatever."

"I don't like people who say ju-ju." Cristina said. Meredith bit her lip and looked at her friend.

"Do you she knows? Addison, I mean?"

"Do I think she knows about the dangerous liaison because she gave you hot chocolate? She handed it to you in a cup, she didn't heat it to a boil and dump all over your hair."

"Which is lucky." Nicky interjected.

Meredith considered this. "Right." She said. "You're right. She doesn't know. She can't know."

"Well that's settled." Cristina said, shooting a look at her patient, who was rocking himself on the gurney while muttering under his breath.

"I'll call psych for you." Meredith murmured.

A visit to ortho and a ruptured spleen later, Meredith was on her way to tell Nicky she needed surgery when she practically crashed into Derek in the hallway. "Hey." She said, surprised. After avoiding him all day, she had let herself forgot the mess they were knee deep in.

"Hi." He said, looking at her intently. She looked rushed, frazzled. They both saw the glint of hair at the same time as Addison drew towards them cautiously.

"Hey." She said, looking back and forth between them as if she expected something to materialize in the few feet of tile that separated them.

Meredith shuffled her feet and looked down at the floor. "I have to…" she said, backing away, struggling to tear her eyes from Derek's.

He nodded. "Me too." He turned and walked in the opposite direction, leaving Addison standing in the hallway, feeling like something he'd brought with him to a party, but didn't care enough about to remember to take home.

"Yeah." She said to herself. "I've got something too."

Meredith left the awkward hallway meeting to go tell Nicky she needed surgery, but her patient refused to consent. "If you operate on me today, I'll die. I've ignored all the signs. I should have stayed in bed, but no, I had to leave. You can operate after midnight."

"Nicky." Bailey said. "Your spleen is bleeding." She spoke slowly, as if the woman in front of them was a child. "You need surgery."

"Look," Nicky said indignantly. "Call my boyfriend. Tell him I'm having surgery at midnight. Because he'll want to be here." She insisted, more to herself than her doctors. Meredith sighed and took her emergency contact sheet, unable to stop wondering, if she were the one scheduled to go into the OR, where would Derek be?

* * *

"OCD guy? He's bleeding in his brain because he couldn't move his car until he stopped counting." Cristina said as they sat outside, eating lunch.

Meredith attempted to smile and forced some food into her mouth. "My patient won't have surgery because of her horoscope."

Cristina considered this. "We should introduce them." She suggested as George sat down next to, sliding as close as he could. Meredith shot Cristina a questioning look, knowing she still wasn't quite on speaking terms with George. Cristina rolled her eyes. "He's enabling Burke and his hat ju-ju." She said. "Addison's not the only crazy one."

Meredith looked down and officially abandoned her sandwich. Three bites. That was good enough. It should be enough food to get her through her shift, and then she'd be drinking, and wouldn't care if she wasn't eating. She stiffened as Izzie sat down.

"This whole death cluster thing?" she asked, taking a frantic sip from a water bottle. "It's ridiculous right? I mean people die because they die, not in threes and sevens. Right?"

Cristina made a face. "What happened to the wisdom of the morgue guy?" she asked.

Izzie shot them a nervous smile. "Of course he'd say that. He's the morgue guy. The only people he's got to talk to are dead. He probably has like a hundred untrue superstitions to freak out doctors."

"Are you worried about Denny?" Meredith asked, trying to be gentle.

Izzie's eyes narrowed as they looked over her. "Of course I'm worried about Denny." She snapped. "He's my patient. But if you're asking if I'm worried about Denny… I mean, I'm sleeping with Alex so…" she trailed off, seeming to remember it was Meredith who had asked. "I'm not really sure why you even care." She said.

Meredith nodded and bit her lip, spreading her hands flat on the table. "I have to go convince my patient to have surgery." She mumbled, getting up. She made her way back to Nicky's room.

"Did you call my boyfriend?" Nicky asked immediately, her eyes bright and hopeful. Meredith nodded solemnly, knowing in her answer to Nicky was the answer to her own question of where Derek would be if she were hurt.

"He told us he hasn't been your boyfriend in a while." Meredith said gently, wincing, not because of the expression on the girl's face, but because of how she was thinking the same thing about her and Derek.

When she walked out to the board later, it was to erase Nicky's name from it. Meredith didn't know what to feel for this girl, this poor woman, who never really got over the past. Maybe it was better that Nicky died. She was never going to be able to live in the present or see the future. As she picked up the eraser and heavily wiped the slot on the board clear, she heard a voice behind her.

"You lost her?" Izzie asked. Meredith looked at her, her tear filled eyes, her taunt, worried face and nodded.

"Yeah. I lost her. I heard there were six." She said.

"Who?" Izzie asked, not bothering to mask her fear. She needed comfort. She needed a friend. She needed someone to look her in the eyes and lie to her, promise her that Denny would be okay, even if it was a promise they couldn't keep. Meredith wanted to be that friend to Izzie; she wanted to offer comfort and security. But all she could do was shrug and walk away.

On her way out of the hospital, after Alex had attacked George with words in the locker room, and the seventh patient had lived. Addison handed her another cup of hot chocolate. "Thank you Addison." She whispered, realizing how guilty she felt. Addison was making her hot cocoa and Meredith was sleeping with her husband.

She locked eyes with Derek as they left, and he saw something haunting in them, something he wasn't ready to face. Meredith broke eye contact and drove home, sitting down at the kitchen table with a bottle of Jose Cuervo and a shot glass. She thought about the day; Addison and the ju- ju infused guilt, Derek, Nicky, and what it all meant. She pushed the shot glass away and took long sips from the bottle. She had almost finished it when the door bell rang. Something told her she was drinking too much, but the part of her was too tired of feeling guilty to care. She stood shakily, her head spinning and her legs unsteady, and pulled the door open, stumbling into Derek as she did.

"Whoa." He said, putting his arms around her waist to steady her. Without removing his hands from her hips, he looked at her. Her pupils were dilated and unfocused, and she couldn't stand. "You're drunk." He said flatly.

"So?" she asked, staggering back to the kitchen and picking up the bottle. When she tried to use the glass, she spilled most of it onto the table. "What are you doing here Derek?"

"I don't know." He admitted, pacing. "I'm supposed to be picking up Chinese food and a quart of milk." Meredith abandoned the glass on the table and took another long drink from the bottle. "Did you drink that all since you've been home?" Derek asked, frowning.

"Of course not." She lied. Derek eyed her suspiciously, but shook his head, choosing not to see what he didn't want to see.

"I'm sorry." He blurted out. "I'm sorry today was so…" he trailed off. In her drunken haze, Meredith couldn't think of anything to say, so she just shook her head, and reached for his hand. He intertwined their fingers and squeezed, as though he could transfer clarity to her. When he realized she was in no condition to have the conversation he wanted to, her pulled her close and kissed her hard, tasting tequila on her lips. She melted into his kiss, his embrace, momentarily forgetting all that was wrong between them. Until she remembered Addison. She pulled awa abruptly.

"Your food is probably waiting." She said, closing her eyes as the room spun. "And Addison. You should go." She instructed, backing away from him and sinking into her chair. He hesitated. She looked like she could black out at any minute. Eyeing the bottle, he finally nodded.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He said, placing his lips on her forehead, and heading out the door. Meredith sat down at the table, and in one long swallow eradicated the rest of the bottle, wishing she had gone for the handle instead of the smaller size she had just finished.

When Alex came into the house to apologize to George and Izzie, he found her, unconscious on the kitchen floor, the empty bottle smashed on the floor around her.


	14. Chapter 14

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**WE have the next few chapters already planned and theyre good. We're really excited. Meredith is going to totally freak out and almost acidentally kill herself. Get rady for that. **

**REVIEW. **

_You cared enough to call my bluff._

Derek was making his way into Joe's when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see Cristina staring him down, with fire in her eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you, Derek?" she demanded. Derek raised his eyebrows, for once having no idea what she was talking about. "How could you just leave her like that?" Cristina demanded.

"Dr. Yang." Derek said, "I haven't seen Meredith in two nights."

Cristina's eyes narrowed. "And two nights ago, I got a call from Alex, frantic because he found her passed out on the kitchen floor. She finished a bottle of tequila, Derek. You were there. You had to know she was gone."

His eyes swept the ground as he shuffled his feet, looking guilty. "I thought she'd be okay. If I had known, I wouldn't have…" He trailed off softly.

Cristina shook her head. "You're a doctor." She spit out. "In case you were concerned, she's fine. We got through it without pumping her stomach." Derek just walked through the door and into Joe's, not looking back to see what happened to Cristina. As he set his jacket down at a table, and received a drink from Joe, he noticed Meredith, sitting at the bar, knitting.

A smile graced his lips as he stood to ask her what she was doing. "You're knitting in a bar?" he asked, leaning against said bar, next to where she was sitting. "You know, as your friend, I should tell you, you look a little weird."

She shot him a look and cleared her throat. "I'm making a sweater." She said. "I'm making a sweater because I'm celibate."

Derek choked on his sip of scotch. "You're celibate?" he echoed.

"I'm trying." She said with sigh, remembering the last time he had pushed her against the wall in the on call room. The way he'd thrown her onto the bed, and the body consuming kisses that had left her bruised. "I am trying to uphold my vow of celibacy."

Addison sat down on a barstool next to her and Meredith's shoulders tensed. "A vow of celibacy?" Addison echoed. "You? And I'm only asking cause we're friends." She clarified.

Meredith increased the speed of her fingers as she struggled to knit. "Every man I meet turns out to be married." She said, causing Derek's eyes to hit the floor. "Or Mark." She added as an afterthought. Derek's fist clenched in jealousy, and Addison grimaced.

"I'm going to go over here now." She said, heading to the table draped with her husband's jacket.

"And remember the horrible thing I'm doing?" Meredith asked Derek, lowering her voice. "The horrible thing we're doing?" She glanced back at Addison, who was now in conversation with Joe.

"You're making a sweater." Derek said.

Meredith nodded, meeting his eyes. "I'm making a sweater."

Derek leaned down to her ear, causing an involuntary shiver to shoot down her spine. "Don't knit for too long." He whispered.

* * *

She was still thinking about what that could have meant the next day as she sat in the gallery, knitting with Izzie. Passing out on the kitchen floor had won her a sort of get out of jail free card. Their friendship had been restored, but it was shaky, and not having the energy to juggle Derek and walk a fine line with Izzie, her friend was slipping away again.

"Talk to George lately?" Izzie asked her briskly.

Meredith frowned, trying to remember. He had said something to her after she had woken up in her bed two nights ago, surrounded by her housemates, Alex, Cristina and Burke. "After the, uh, incident." She mumbled. "He seems a little less cold." She said, attempting a smiled.

Izzie returned it with a frown. She looped her knitting needles over one another with careful precision, looking at Meredith with a disapproving glance. "Are you ever going to tell me why you drank so much you passed out?" Izzie asked. Meredith bit her lip. Maybe she should tell Izzie; confess everything. But then there would be murmured words of comfort and looks of sympathy that Meredith simply didn't deserve. She shrugged and resumed knitting instead.

While Meredith was sitting in the gallery with Izzie, her step sister was admitted to the hospital and her married boyfriend was rushing around, searching for an intern. Derek was frazzled. Doc was sick, and his mind was on everything but work. "Dr. Bailey!" he called. "I need an intern. Can you spare one?" he asked, using his eyes to ask for Meredith.

Bailey turned to him, hands on her hips. "Grey's not available." She said firmly. "But I am. My name's not on the board. It wasn't yesterday and it wont be tomorrow. I'm being mommy tracked and I don't like it."

"I could page her…" Derek suggested. "Maybe she's not busy, and you're freaking out."

Bailey shook her head. "I have not begun to freak out." Derek nodded, and motioned for her to follow him into surgery. He was in Andrew's brain, and he had almost crashed. As he woke up and continued spelling, Derek noticed tears in Bailey's eyes.

"Dr. Bailey," Andrew asked, "Are you crying?"

Bailey shook her head. "I've got something in my eye." She muttered turning to Derek. "It's the hormones." She defended. He gave her a look and she turned to Andrew. "Andrew can you spell estrogen?"

Derek rolled his eyes and waited for him to finish. "How about delusional Andrew? Can you spell that?"

Bailey narrowed her at Derek and said, "Andrew, why don't you spell married, okay? After that spell shouldn't be requesting my intern."

* * *

Meredith took a deep breath and entered the room. "This is Dr.. This is Meredith." Addison said. "She's going to check your vitals, and then I'll be back."

Meredith stood by the bed, staring at her half sister, with a twisted grimace on her face. It was supposed to be a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. "You think I'm too young to be married." Molly said, surprising her.

Meredith shook her head. "No." she assured her.

Molly smiled and shrugged. Meredith examined her face; she was a pretty girl. "If I saw me, I'd think I was too young." She said. "It's just, Eric, my husband, he was getting shipped out, and I just love him so much. Ever been in love Meredith? Like so in love, you'd walk through fire to get to that person?"

Meredith's mouth dropped open a little. Struggling to regain her composure, she nodded. "Yea, I've been in love like that." She said, unable to stop picturing Derek. "Your parents support you?" she asked, busying herself with things like blood pressure.

"Yeah, my parents are so great. My dad gave me away at my wedding and he cried. I'd never seen him cry before. It was like he was proud of me. And he's usually proud of my sister, Lexie. She's in medical school. Harvard. He's like, crazy proud of her."

Meredith nodded, and stopped noting her vitals right there. She smiled, uttered a hurried good luck and ran out of the room, not stopping until she reached Callie and Izzie. "I need some bones to break." She said. "I need something to smash." Callie pointed her towards the cast graft, and she gratefully picked up a hammer and started smashing.

"Is she freaking out?" Callie asked Izzie, watching her closely.

"She's fine." Izzie said, smiling tightly. "So George? He's really your type, huh?"

Callie rose to her full height. "You don't see him. To you he's O'Malley. He's your roommate. But he makes my world stop." She said. "Don't forget to clean up when you're done." Meredith stopped smashing the cast and threw the hammer on the table, her chest heaving.

"Holy crap." Izzie said. "George is her McDreamy." Meredith's head snapped up. For the first time over the course of this horrible day, it occurred to her that she could go to her own McDreamy.

She found him in the gallery, watching Molly's surgery, presumably waiting for Addison. "Hey." He said. "That's your…" he trailed off.

"Yeah." She said. "You got a second? I need a consult." She said, jerking her head in the direction of the hallway. He followed her and she led him to an empty on call room, and they slipped inside.

"I thought you were making a sweater." He said breathlessly, between kisses. Meredith stepped back from him, took off her scrubs and laid down on the bed, waiting as he hurriedly undressed.

"Forget knitting." She told him breathlessly. He could tell she was hurting tonight. She wrapped her legs around him and clung to him tightly. He elicited a groan when he slipped inside her, but she was unusually quiet, her usual moans and screams replaced with breathy gasps. Somehow, he liked it; it gave her a refined sort of beauty.

When it was over, she moved to dress quickly, but he locked his arms around her waist and pulled her back towards him. "Mer." He said. "What is it?"

She struggled to get away from his grip. She broke free, stood and dressed quickly. "I have to go pick up Doc." She said, running from the room.

* * *

She sat in the lobby of the vet's office, feeling dirty and disgusted. How long would this continue? Would she always have to go to him when she had a problem? And go to him for sex?

"You're getting the hang of it." The receptionist called, in reference to her knitting.

Meredith shrugged. "Not really."

"Give up men?"

Meredith sighed. "I was at least trying."


	15. Chapter 15

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**Okay, the reviews for last chapter were extremely dissappointing. Underneath our conifdent, rugged exteriors, we're self loathing, self destrcutive, and insecure enough to need reassurance that we dont suck so review. Next chapter, things really get messy. **

**REVIEW. **

_I can only give you everything I've got._

Derek felt sick. Having sex with Addison, even if it was awful, felt like cheating on Meredith. A whole new wave of guilt washed over him. "Thank you?" Addison said tentatively.

He turned to her and frowned. "You're thanking me for the most boring sex ever?"

"I didn't know what else to say!" she exclaimed, laughing. "Derek, what happened? We used to be really good at this!" He averted his eyes and feigned embarrassed laughter with her, all the while, the answer to her question was on the tip of his tongue. _I don't want you anymore._

He was saved by the ringing of his cell phone. It was Meredith. "Hi." He said.

"Hi. Sorry. I know it's early and you're probably home with, well, Doc's sick again."

"Sick?" Derek echoed. "Again?" He felt Addison grabbing for the phone.

"Dr. Dandridge? We'll have to call you back, because we're trying really hard to have some decent sex here!" she yelled, snapping the phone shut. Derek winced. Meredith felt her stomach turn, and as she struggled not to picture Derek in bed with Addison, felt her breakfast turning around, and for a horrifying moment, thought she was going to throw up. When it passed, she fought the urge to run to Joe's, wait for him to open, and drink all the tequila he had.

"Are you okay?" Finn asked. Meredith sighed. She liked Finn. If she had never met Derek, Finn was the kind of guy she would date. She nodded. "So you and Derek? You're together?" Finn asked.

Meredith felt like she was in danger of throwing up again. She pressed her lips together and shook her head. She checked her watch. It wasn't even seven yet, and already she really, wanted tequila. "So you're single?" Finn asked. She nodded, even though to her, it wasn't true. "I'm going to ask you out now." Finn continued. "I'm going to ask you out, and I'm not even going to make you answer right now. Come by tonight if you're interested."

By the time she reached the hospital, she had determined that she could not date the vet. Just thinking about it gave her the distinct feeling she was cheating on Derek. "I can't date him, right?" She asked Alex and Cristina. "He's Doc's vet. He's my vet. He's Derek's vet. It would be weird, right?"

"Wait, a vet?" Cristina echoed. "You can't date a vet. He's not a real doctor."

Meredith opened her mouth to protest that he didn't have to be a doctor, but was interrupted by Addison bursting in. "Damn it!" she shouted, spilling coffee on her coat.

Relief flooded through Meredith, and she smirked. "Must not have gone well." She whispered. Cristina shot her a questioning look. Meredith mouthed 'sex', and whispered, "If she looks at you, just run."

"I need an intern." Addison barked.

"I'm with Dr. Bailey." Meredith said, offering her a small smile.

Cristina glared at her fearlessly. "Yea, I'm with Dr. Burke."

"Karev." Addison said, slamming a file down in front of him, and watching Meredith scurry off.

"I don't do vagina." He said. "Not as a doctor anyway."

"Back talk." Addison said sweetly, relieved to have someone to take out her frustration on. "You just won yourself a case." She headed up to neonatal, Karev behind her muttering. She rolled her eyes and wished she would have found Stevens.

* * *

"Good morning, Miss Graber." Derek said, strolling into the patient's room, Stevens and O'Malley behind him. His easy demeanor and voice gave off a confidence he didn't feel today.

"Good morning Dr. Shepherd. I haven't seized all night. And I'm losing billable hours here. Unless one of you is looking to get out of a bad marriage." Izzie and George shook their heads. "Dr. Shepherd?" she asked.

"Yes." He said, without thinking. "No." he corrected himself quickly.

"Really? Because there was a look between these two." She said. Derek turned to Izzie and George and glared while the feverishly shook their heads and protested.

"No." Izzie said. "No look at all. Why would there be a look?"

George shook his head slowly. "Stupid question, Iz." He muttered.

Izzie and George listened to his instructions and watched him storm away, resigning themselves to trying to induce seizures in their patient. While they were researching, Meredith was engaged in a serious talk with Dr. Bailey.

"Tell me about Stevens and Denny." Bailey said. "Is it an innocent flirtation? Or has Stevens actually crossed a line."

Meredith bit her lip. "I know she likes him. She cares about him, but if I don't think Izzie would ever let that get in the way of… she's a surgeon, Dr. Bailey." Meredith said. "She wouldn't cross a line."

Bailey looked at her with stern eyes. "Would you?"

Meredith coughed abruptly. "Excuse me?"

Bailey crossed her arms over her chest and looked at Meredith. "I know you and Shepherd think that you're friends, okay? But I see the way you two look at each other. And I'm asking you now as your resident and also as someone who cares about you, are you crossing a line?"

Meredith steeled herself, and forced her eyes up from the floor to meet Bailey's. "No Dr. Bailey." She said steadily. "I'm not crossing a line."

Bailey nodded. "Okay." She said, even though she still wasn't convinced. Meredith nodded and left the room, bumping into Izzie on the way out.

"Hey, how's Denny?" she asked, grabbing Meredith's wrist and pulling her to the elevator. They stepped in together. Meredith hesitated, but nodded.

"He's doing well, Iz. Bailey's on the warpath about you two though. You're not… Izzie, are you really falling for your patient?"

"No." Izzie said.

The elevator slowed. "Just be careful." Meredith cautioned.

"You don't need to look out for me now, okay Meredith? I got along just fine all those other times I needed you." Izzie said, striding off the elevator as the doors opened. Derek walked in, eyeing Izzie's retreating back. Meredith looked at him, and the corners of her mouth twitched until she was laughing.

"I'm sorry." She said, still giggling. "I'm not laughing at you."

Derek shrugged and grinned. "It's okay. We're friends."

"She didn't know it was me on the phone." Meredith said confidently. Derek winced, letting her know she was right. A self satisfied smirk settled on Meredith's face. Derek was having bad sex with Addison, but he was having fantastic sex with her.

"I'm sorry." He said bluntly. "That you heard that."

She looked at him, and smirked again. "I'll live." She told him, gliding off the elevator, heading back to Denny's room. She could do this one thing for Izzie. Her thoughts drifted to Derek as she wound her way through the hospital. She felt good, that they were having amazing, mind blowing, albeit illicit sex, and it wasn't going well with Addison. But that wasn't something to feel good about. Izzie's words echoed in her mind. Meredith could feel her life just fading. All she had was Derek. And Cristina. The rest of her friends were slowly slipping away. "I should end it." She muttered to herself, stepping over the threshold into Denny's room.

"Dr. Grey." He said.

"Denny." She responded, sitting on his bed. "I know I don't know you very well, but I do know Izzie. And I know she cares about you…"

Denny smiled. "I know where this is going."

Meredith looked down sheepishly. "I haven't been a good friend to her lately." She admitted. "So if I can help her out in this… Denny, I say this without judgment. Believe me, if you knew me… there are no high horses here. But there are strict rules about dating patients."

"And you think if I tell Izzie that she's going to stay away?" Denny asked good naturedly, still smiling. "You think that would have any effect at all? The thing is, I was healthy my whole life 'til I wasn't. And for the last year, I've had a lot of time to lay around in bed and think about my life. And the things I remember best? Well, those are the things that I wasn't supposed to do and I did them anyway. So the thing is, Meredith, life is too damn short to be following these rules."

Meredith's breath caught in her throat as she thought back. Over the course of her internship, the only things she could remember were the things she wasn't supposed to do. Like Derek. "I guess I'm not going to end it then." She said to herself.

Denny grinned. "I guess neither of us are."

Meredith said goodbye to him and left the room, tracking down Derek, who was discharging a patient. He flipped his chart closed to see her standing next to him at the nurse's station. "Hi." He said, a pull to his voice that he only used on her.

"Hi yourself." She said, smiling. "Are you busy right now? Cause, um, I'm on my way out." She whispered, opening a chart. Anyone who saw them would think they were discussing a patient.

"I told Addison I'd wait. She did something today, and Richard said her patient was suing her."

Meredith nodded. "Right. Of course. I'll uh, just see you tomorrow." She said, striding away quickly before he had a chance to respond. She wasn't angry until she had changed, and left the building. Now he wanted to be a husband. All those other times he had come running to her, but now, when she was so lost she could barely move, he couldn't. She jumped in her car and made a decision. She would go to Finn's.

Derek shook his head and went back into Miss Graber's room. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked her.

She nodded. "It's like you and your wife. Is the bad sex causing the problems or are the problems causing the bad sex?" Derek winced. She smiled at him. "I'm not going to wait any longer to change my life." She said. "And that other woman? The one you're stringing along? She might not wait too much longer either."

"How did you…?"

"I'm a divorce lawyer. I always know." She said. Derek handed her the discharge papers he had filled out and walked numbly out of the room, wishing he hadn't sent Meredith away. They should talk. They needed to figure out what they were going to do, what they wanted.

"Dr. Yang!" he called, spotting Cristina up the hall. "I need to speak with Dr. Grey." He said. "It's important, have you seen her?"

Cristina crossed her arms and glared at him. "I have seen her." She said. "In the locker room. Changing. She left."

* * *

Meredith was in Finn's shower. It was odd, but maybe not in a bad way. She wasn't going to so much as touch him, because she felt like she couldn't do that to Derek. But she had birthed a horse with him, which was also odd. Or at least not normal. Yet, it was more normal than sneaking around behind his wife's back.

She stepped out of the shower and put on the shirt he left out for her. She heard a commotion downstairs, so she headed for the stairs.

"I got home; he was listless and hadn't eaten all day." The faint echoes of the voice she could hear sounded a lot like… she came down the stairs and felt her face pale. Derek. She couldn't think of anything to do.

"Is he sick again?" she stammered. Derek was looking at her with a piercing gaze and she desperately wanted to tell him that nothing happened. Nothing was going to happen.

"Yeah." He said, turning on his heel and leaving. In a blind rage, he stormed out to his car and drove home as fast as he could, the image of Meredith, _his_ Meredith, coming down the stairs in one of his vet's shirts. She was his… "Your what?" Derek asked himself out loud, pounding his fist into the center of the steering wheel.

He knew that he had brought this on himself, but he didn't want to see it that way, so he let himself focus his anger on Meredith. He went home, stopped Addison from rambling, and took her into the shower, keeping his eyes closed the whole time.


	16. Chapter 16

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**This is our favorite chapter. That we have ever written. Ever. Of anything. At least, so far. So please, please, review. This is Mer's breaking point. The next chapter, she's getting the heck out of dodge. Stay tuned...**

**REVIEW. **

_It's a narrow line and she can't decide,  
everything short of suicide,  
never hurts, nearly works. _

Her head was spinning. If she wasn't a doctor who knew better, Meredith would have thought that her mind had completely disconnected from reality, but she was still functioning, somehow. Dragged down by the weight of her own actions, she was barely moving. She trudged outside to wait for incoming ambulances, and watched Cristina recount her evening. Surgeries and sex. Meredith smiled to herself at the irony. She knew it was bad when Cristina was happier than she was.

She saw a familiar figure approaching, and as much as she hated herself for it, the sight of him warmed her. It was the only thing that warmed her. "Hi." She said, smiling.

He didn't smile back. "How's my dog?" he asked, fixing her with a smoldering, angry, stare. She blinked at him, confused.

"He's good…" she said slowly, her tongue fumbling to make sense of her words. "Better." She corrected.

"Great." Derek said shortly.

Meredith placed a subtle hand on his forearm, a hidden gesture she had perfected throughout their affair; one blocked by their bodies, but one that he could still feel. "Our dog." She said. "You called him your dog, but he's dog."

"Whatever." Derek said harshly, sounding childlike. He walked away from them, and Meredith followed him a few paces.

"Are you going to page me?" she asked, a sly smile spreading across her face. Derek gave her a hard look and shook his head roughly, striding inside, and away from her. Meredith didn't say a word about it until she cornered Cristina in the pit.

"He's mad at me!" she hissed.

Cristina scoffed. "Yeah, no kidding Mer."

"Cristina…" Meredith groaned. "I don't know… except… he saw me. At Finn's."

"McDreamy caught you macking with McVet?" Cristina asked incredulously. Meredith shook her head numbly.

"No, I wasn't, I haven't… I couldn't, with Finn, I couldn't do it to Derek. It just looked that way."

"You couldn't do that to Derek?" Cristina repeated. "You haven't slept with anyone else because you would be betraying Derek? He's married! He goes home to his freaking McPerfect wife and you're worried about betraying him?"

Meredith sighed, suddenly feeling exhausted. She looked down, avoiding Cristina's eyes. Cristina sighed too. "I'm sorry. I'm just… I fell asleep. During sex, and now Burke is refusing to let me scrub in."

Meredith crossed her arms over her chest. "You fell asleep during sex?" she clarified. Cristina nodded. Meredith pressed her lips together to try and avoid laughing. "Good luck with that one." Was all she said. "I have to take Marshall to Derek for a consult." She told Cristina striding away.

Cristina made a face. "Good luck with _that_." She called out after her.

Slowly, deliberately Meredith pushed Marshall to an exam room. She wasn't sure what she could do, but she had to fix things with Derek. She had knots in her stomach, and she felt like she couldn't get warm. She shivered involuntarily and entered the room.

"Marshall." She said, gesturing to her patient. "He was the driver." Derek nodded sharply and leaned down to examine his eyes.

"Marshall," he said, "I'm going to say three words to you and you're going to repeat them to Dr. Grey." He straightened up and fixed Meredith with a cold stare. "Get him a CT. Marshall, remember these words, and repeat them back to the doctor: spiteful, deceitful, vindictive."

Meredith closed her eyes briefly as the words left Derek's mouth, falling around her, exploding, and bruising her. "Derek…" she whispered.

He shook his head. "Not here. Get him to CT." he ordered.

* * *

It was amazing, how even as doctors, they sometimes couldn't save their patients. They sometimes couldn't save themselves. "Marshall," Meredith said gently. "How are you feeling?"

He didn't answer her for awhile, so they sat in silence and waited for the CT to clear up. "I scrubbed in on a twelve hour procedure. I was so tired, but I had to be back to work in six hours. I closed my eyes for a second at that light."

"Marshall, it's not your fault." Meredith said quietly.

"Yes it is!" he shouted. "It had to be somebody's fault. It was mine." He said. Meredith closed her eyes, fighting tears. When she looked up, Marshall was gone.

When Marshall reached his destination, it was empty. He slipped into the gallery and took a seat, watching the havoc he had wreaked unfold before him. The woman, the pregnant one was on the table, and her insides were a mess. Marshall watched with grave fascination as the doctors tried to save her.

He watched Dr. Shepherd, the neurosurgeon, the one who had been so harsh to the intern. Marshall liked Dr. Grey. She was warm and caring, even though her eyes betrayed her outward calm. She was being torn apart inside, and as Marshall finally recalled the words Dr. Shepherd had dictated to him, it became clear why Dr. Grey looked like she was about to break.

_Spiteful, deceitful, vindictive._

Marshall stared at the woman, and realized with a jolt of horror that they were covering her in plastic, which could only mean one thing: damage control. As this realization overtook him, he locked eyes with Derek Shepherd.

Derek stormed into the exam room, furious. He cornered Meredith who looked guilty and a little frightened. "Derek…" she started.

"He was in the damn gallery!" Derek shouted at her. "He needs to be getting a CT, not sitting there, and seeing the massive injuries he inflicted!"

Meredith opened her mouth in protest. "I looked away for a second, Derek!" she said.

"No!" he shouted, turning towards her, his eyes blazing. "This is your fault. You had him and you lost him! Take responsibility for your actions. For once in your life." He spun on his heel and stalked out of the room. She hated him for yelling at her, and for breaking her down like this, but once he left the room, there was a gaping hole inside of her, so she followed him.

She ran, almost blindly, after him, and finally cornered him in a stairwell. "Derek…" she pleaded, reaching out to grab him. He wrenched his arm from her grip.

"Shouldn't you be running after the vet?" he asked coldly. "Is Alex next? I heard he sleeps around. You two have that in common." Meredith felt like she was going to pass out. She should have been seething with anger, but she couldn't feel a thing.

She shook her head. "You don't get to call me a whore." She told him, her voice nothing more than a shaking whisper. "You left me, Derek. You chose Addison and you called me to that hotel room." She wrung her hands together as her voice rose to a hysterical cry. "You did this to me! You made me like this!" Tears glittered in her eyes, and Derek's anger almost faltered, but the vision of her walking down the stairs in the vet's shirt flashed in his eyes.

Before Meredith knew what was happening, Derek had grabbed her arms and pushed his tongue into her mouth. She kissed him back with a fire she didn't think she had left in her. Her back slammed into the wall so hard it hurt, and she felt herself sitting on the railing, struggling to get out of her scrubs. Derek's lips roamed down her neck angrily, and for a masochistic reason she didn't understand, she encouraged him. "Derek…" she gasped as she felt him against her legs.

He was inside of her before she could take another breath. Her mind was reeling. They were in a stairwell, where anyone could catch them, but she didn't care. She hooked her legs around his waist to allow to thrust inside of her harder. Her fingernails dug into his shoulder as she struggled not to scream. She arched her back against the wall, hating herself for giving into him, but the combination of her anger and desire scared her enough to make it intoxicating.

She could tell he was angry; he grabbed her in ways that would leave bruises on her back and her arms. But she couldn't say no. That was the last thought she had before she gave herself over to him entirely. Her hands tangled in his hair and pulled a little as she arched against the wall. "Derek," she gasped, "I'm going to…" he pulled her close to him, and her head dropped on his shoulder, her cries muffled in his lab coat, his in her ear.

She stayed slumped against him, but he started to disentangle himself immediately. "Der?" she questioned desperately. He just shook his head and walked away.

The tears didn't come until she was sitting next to Marshall's bed. He had a concussion and was being kept for observation, but like her, his wounds were deeper than physical. She had bruises on her arms and a cut on her back, but inside, she was too far gone to notice. Meredith didn't feel the tears at first, but eventually, she saw them dripping onto her scrubs.

When Big Jim came in, and Marshall began to utter his plea for forgiveness, Meredith couldn't take it. She got up and through her sobs, managed to stumble into the deserted locker room. She splashed water on her face put her hands on the sink for support.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her face was sunken in, taut and pale. Her eyes looked dull and utterly lifeless. She tried in vain to remember the last time she had anything, but the only thing that came to mind was coffee. Meredith stared, mesmerized at her reflection. She didn't look like herself anymore. She hardly recognized the face staring back at her.

All the memories of all the nights she had been with Derek came rushing to her in a collage of memories, and something inside of her snapped. A strangled cry escaped her lips as she raised her hand and slammed it into the mirror. The glass shattered with a satisfying sound, and Meredith looked down. Her hand was bleeding heavily from the wrist, but she couldn't feel it at all. She blinked and tried to determine if she'd hit an artery, but she realized that she didn't even care. Sinking down to floor, she watched the blood stain her shirt.

* * *

Burke looked up as Cristina burst through the doors of the lounge. He set down the coffee he was mixing cream into and looked at her. "Cristina…" he said warningly.

"Burke, I know that you're mad at me." She said frantically. "But it's Meredith. She… I need your help." He followed her to the intern locker room, but was not prepared for what he saw. Meredith was sitting on the floor, staring straight in front of her. Karev was crouched by her side, trying to get her attention, but she seemed unresponsive. Burke's eyes traveled to her wrist, from which blood was flowing freely. He saw her eyes roll a little and realized she was losing consciousness. He sprang into action.

"Exam room!" he called. "Now!" Alex scooped Meredith up into his arms and followed Cristina out of the locker room, with Burke behind him. Before they disappeared into an exam room to stitch her up, Burke caught sight of Derek leaving the hospital with Addison.


	17. Chapter 17

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**Wow. So the response to the last chapter was unbelievable. We were so excited and so happy to read all of your reviews. Thank you all so much. That made us believe that we don't suck. And that's always fun. **

**REVIEW. **

_Love is not a victory march,  
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. _

"Is she all right?" Alex asked, his voice struggling to stay calm.

Burke stood over the bed and sighed. "She should be fine. She's lucky she only nicked her artery. A fraction of an inch further and she would have bled out in minutes." Cristina shivered at the thought, and felt Burke's hand on her shoulder. "You found her just in time." He told her.

Alex shook his head. "What the hell is going on?" he demanded. "I know she's going through stuff, but you don't punch a mirror for no reason."

Cristina sighed. "I'll tell you, but this is Vegas, Alex. Fight Club. You can't tell anyone. Not Izzie, not George, not Joe. Not anyone." Alex nodded, and Cristina saw nothing but concern in his eyes. "She's been sleeping with Shepherd."

Alex's eyes widened, but he passed no judgment. "How long?"

"Practically since they broke up." Cristina sighed. "We're the only ones that know." She said, gesturing to herself and Burke. She looked down at Meredith, who was still sleeping in the on call room bunk.

"That explains the binge drinking, then." Alex mused. He looked down at Meredith's skeletal form. "We should try to get her to eat something…" he trailed off. "Where the hell is Shepherd now?"

Burke cleared his throat. "I saw him leaving with Addison. As we took her to the exam room, he was leaving with Addison."

Alex's eyes flashed in cold anger. "I'll kill the bastard." He growled.

Burke's eyes swept over Meredith's sleeping form and the bandage over her wrist and hand. "Get in line, Karev." He said. "Get in line."

* * *

Meredith sat next to Finn the next morning in silence as he talked about Doc having bone cancer. She sighed and tugged her sweater over the bandage on her wrist, not looking forward to having to explain that to anyone. Somewhere between those catatonic moments where she had seen, but not felt, Burke stitching up her wrist and the hours she had spent sleeping in the on call room, her painful numbness had given way to scorching anger.

Sitting here, across from Derek and Addison in Finn's office, that anger bubbled dangerously close to the surface. "Amputation might be an option." She heard Finn say.

"Should we even bother?" Derek asked, her voice thick with emotion and laced with anger.

"He's our dog!" Meredith burst out. "We can't just let him die."

"I don't want to him to suffer." Derek muttered darkly.

Meredith scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right." She said lowly. Finn and Addison looked back and forth between the two of them. Finn put a comforting arm around Meredith's shoulder. She jumped up. "I have to get to work." She said, reaching for her purse, revealing her bandage.

"What happened?" Addison asked her. Meredith remembered how her reflection looked in the mirror. How satisfying the sound of breaking glass had been. And the blood. She remembered the blood; dripping from her hand and wrist, staining her shirt crimson. The only thing she couldn't remember was the feeling of the impact when her hand hit the mirror.

She shook her head. "Nothing." She muttered. "I tripped." Her emotions twisted and tangled within one another as she drove to the hospital, Addison and Derek sharing his car, right behind her. She stopped looking in her mirrors all together; she didn't care if she crashed, she just didn't want to see them.

Anger and despair clenched tightly around her heart and refused to let go. They battled to be the emotion she felt most strongly, and right now, anger was winning. She got in the elevator with Addison and Derek, and stared straight ahead.

"What's going on?" Addison asked looking back and forth between the two of them. Meredith leaned against the wall, feeling the bruises on her back from Derek slamming her into the wall of the stairwell.

"Nothing." She said tightly.

"Did you two have a fight or something?" Addison asked slowly.

"No." Derek grunted, not bothering to lift his head from the floor.

"So we're all still friends?" Addison piped up again, tentatively this time.

"Yes." Meredith and Derek said together, in short, gritted teeth unison.

Meredith and Derek both stepped off of the elevator at the next floor, going opposite directions and leaving Addison in the steel box alone to mull over the morning. Derek strode angrily down the hallway, appalled that she was angry at him when she was the one who was ruining his version of how things were going to go.

He was running through how he thought things would go one last time in his head when he crashed into Alex. "Watch where you're going Karev." He snapped. Alex crossed his arms over his chest, but didn't move an inch. Instead, he jerked his head towards an on call room, indicating the Derek should follow. Against his better judgment, Derek did. "What the hell is this, Dr. Karev? I have things to do-"

Alex shook his head, cutting Derek off. "Shut up." He said. "Just listen. I know what you're doing to Meredith. Don't take it out on her; I got it out of Yang. Burke is an attending surgeon, so he can't really say this to you, but me, I'm just a punk kid."

"Burke?" Derek repeated.

"Burke knows. He wanted to kill you himself, but that's typically frowned upon. Listen to me, Shepherd. Step up and make your choice once and for all. Be a man, and pick one of them. Sooner, not later, because Meredith? She's a wreck, and the next time I see her close to the way she was last night, you will be hurting."

"Are you threatening me, Karev?" Derek asked.

Alex pushed past him and opened the door. "You better fucking believe I am." He growled. He found Cristina and Burke in the cafeteria and sat down at a table with them, the three of them bonded by the knowledge they shared. "I talked to Shepherd. Threatened Shepherd actually." He said.

Burke nodded. "Don't worry, Karev. I will personally back you up if he tries to disadvantage you as a doctor." Alex nodded his thanks.

"How's Mer doing?" Alex asked.

"Her arm is fine." Burke said. "I checked it and changed her bandage. Physically she's fine."

"Physically." Cristina snorted. "She punched a mirror, and then she just sat on the ground, like, waiting to bleed out or something. She's physically fine, but…." She trailed off and shook her head. "I'll kill Derek." She muttered.

Addison's mind was on a similar train of thoughts. Those few short minutes in the elevator had meant everything in her eyes. For weeks she caught them gazing at each other, caught all the glances, saw everything that made her go through each day trying not to cry. And today, there had been nothing but two pairs of eyes glaring straight ahead, nothing but stony silence.

It meant something, even if they said everything was fine. And she had to know what it meant, because the waiting was bound to drive her insane. The questions swirling around in her mind would eat away at her until there was nothing left. She already felt like a shell of the person she had been in New York. If the shell was gone, she'd be nothing.

Addison found Meredith slumped over a table in the conference room. She was staring straight ahead, absently playing with the bandage that had appeared on her arm. Addison bit her lip and walked in. "I have to ask you something." She said quickly. "And I'm not sure that I even want to know the answer, so I just have to come right out and ask you if you're still sleeping with my husband."

Meredith's mouth dropped open and closed quickly. The good part of her, the part that loathed affairs and broken homes wanted to admit it, apologize and collapse in a heap, relieved that it was finally, finally over. But the stupid part of Meredith, the part that still hoped that any day now, Derek would divorce Addison and finally, finally choose her, spoke first.

"Of course not. Not since before I knew he was married." She lied, looking Addison right in the eye while the words rolled off the tip of her tongue. Meredith hated herself a little bit more for being able to lie like that. "I'm dating Finn." She said. Another lie. Not as blatant as saying she wasn't sleeping with Derek, but also not entirely true.

Addison's face twisted and fell. "Oh." She said, closing her eyes briefly. "Okay. Right. Thank you." She started to back away, a tight smile on her lips that looked more like a painful grimace. Meredith sighed and let her walk away, dropping her head back into her arms.

Addison fixated on her heels. If she just counted the clicks that her Jimmy Choo stilettos made on the tile floor, she didn't have to think about anything else. Click, click, click. Thirty one, thirty two, and thirty three. 'You've got a strut, Addie, Derek had told her once. A purposeful one, but it's a strut for sure. That seemed like so long ago.

Forty nine, fifty, fifty one, fifty two. "Addison?" Derek said. Her snapped up and the bubble that her counting had made shattered. "Kendra, the brain dead girl? Her parents are here. They have questions about the pregnancy."

Of course he needed something. He wouldn't be bothering to glance in her direction if he didn't. "I'll talk to them." She said flatly.

"Can we go now? They're waiting."

"I said I'll talk to them!" she snapped. Derek just shrugged and led the way to the room.

"This is my wife, Dr. Addison Shepherd." He mumbled by way of introduction. "She's a neonatal surgeon, and she can talk to you about…"

"We read that she could have the baby." Kendra's mother blurted out. "If we kept her alive long enough, could she have the baby?"

Addison fought to keep rolling her eyes. "She could, but it would be risky. There's infection, the risk of disease. If the mother's not breathing on her own, the baby may be oxygen deprived. I wouldn't recommend it." She said coolly.

"I don't think you should try and tell us what's best for our daughter." Kendra's father snapped. "You think if you love her enough, it will keep her close, but it doesn't! She's gone!"

"And using her corpse as a human incubator isn't going to bring her back!" Addison shouted. She felt Derek's hand clamp on her arm, and pull. She heard him apologizing to the parents, but she couldn't make out what he was saying through the blood rushing in her head. He yanked her into the hallway.

"A little sensitivity would be nice, Addie. They just lost their daughter. You could pretend to be sympathetic."

"Like you pretend to love me?" she countered, her anger bubbling over the surface of the tightly sealed container she kept her emotions in. "Mark was right. You are just fulfilling your need to be the good guy."

Derek looked down. "This isn't the place." He said, turning around.

"Oh that's right, walk away, Derek." She said. "What? You won't, oh I don't know, ignore me in an elevator?" she heard her voice rising to a shout, but she didn't care. "Oh, well, since I want your attention, maybe I'll just date our vet. Since that seems to be enough to send you into a jealous rage. Only it wouldn't, would it? Because I'm not Meredith Grey!"

Husband and wife stared at each other in shock, humiliation and anger. The husband's eyes made the downward sweep first, and zoned in on Meredith who looked panicked. Addison followed his line of vision and shook her head, clicking away as fast as her heels could take her.

* * *

Meredith turned and ran as well. She headed for the intern's locker room in a stumbling panic. She thought of the mirror, and had the urge to just end it for good this time. Just let the blood flow from her arm until there was no pain left to bleed out, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't do it to Cristina, George, Alex, and Izzie. Even Burke had stood up for her. But the walls had gotten so small and tight around her, she couldn't move anymore.

There was only one thing left to do. She burst into the locker room, and hauled her thing out of her locker and started shoving them into her tote bag. She was almost done when Derek appeared in the doorway.

"Meredith, what the hell are you doing?" he asked. He walked into the room slowly, like his legs were numb.

"I can't do this, Derek, I can't." she said, tears starting to run down her face. Her movements were jarred and erratic, her voice frantic. "I love you!" she shouted. "Okay? Are you happy? I love you. And I'm never going to love anyone but you, and since I can't have you, I'm leaving."

"Meredith, you don't have to go. Please don't go!"

She shook her head frantically, running her hands through her hair, sitting down and standing up randomly, with pacing intermixed. "No, you don't get it, Derek. I have nothing here." She placed a hand over her heart. "I gave you everything I had to give. All my love; I gave you my whole life. I'd give you anything, but I have nothing left to give to you, or to my friends, or this job, or even myself. There isn't enough of me left."

"Mer, please…" he whispered.

Tears streamed down her face now, and her shoulders shook as she tried to control the sobs. "Maybe this is it." She gasped. "Maybe we missed our chance, and we cursed ourselves by thinking we could get it back." She reached him in two steps, and pressed her lips to his. He grabbed her hands as she pulled away.

"Meredith, don't go." He said, so softly she barely heard it.

"I'm sorry, Derek." She whispered. She picked up her bag and hurried out the door, leaving her pager on the bench. Derek staggered to it, and sat down heavily. He had followed her here to try and tell her he was going to step up and be a man, choose her once and for all. But when the time had come to stop her, to offer the grand gesture, he had nothing to say.

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah. _


	18. Chapter 18

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**It's been waaay to long. We hope you havent given up on us. This is short and we're sorry. Next chapter will be the prom. And Addison will find out. So stick with us. **

**REVIEW. **

_I've gotta get out of here,  
because I can't stand to fall…_

Breathe. In and out. That's all she needed. One gasp of oxygen after the other would keep her alive. Meredith stumbled through the hospital, her tote bag stuffed full with the contents of her locker and tears clouding her vision.

Her head was throbbing, full of whispers and screams, but there was one thing so loud, it rose above everything else. Find Cristina. Find Cristina, and she will help you get out of here. Away from this mess. She wanted to slump against the wall and cry and scream and wait for someone to help her, but she feared that if she stopped moving for a single second, she would never start again.

Her feet sped up, feeling like they were a different entity form her body. She didn't know where they were taking her, but she had to trust them. She passed someone who stopped and looked at her. "Meredith?" George called. "Mer, Izzie needs your help. She's going all… she needs us. Meredith?"

She ignored him. Kept her eyes trained in front of her. The deep voice of Preston Burke caught her ears as she passed a room. She stopped and burst through the doorway. Burke was looking at an x-ray, Cristina peering over his shoulder.

"Mer?" she asked, as Meredith stood in the doorway, swaying slightly, trying to keep moving. "Meredith, what's…" she trailed off, arching an eyebrow at her friend. Meredith's tote bag slipped off of her shoulder and fell to the floor.

"I need to leave." She whispered. Cristina and Burke exchanged glances. Meredith shivered and wrapped her arms around herself, fighting a chill no one else could feel. "Derek, and Addison, and the guilt, and it's too much, I can't do it anymore. I need to leave."

Cristina nodded. "Okay, I'll drive you home." She said tentatively.

Meredith shook her head. "Call the airport." She whispered, tears slipping down her pale cheeks. "I have to get out of here. I can't stay in Seattle, I can't…" Her shoulders shook with sobs as she trailed off. Cristina, who didn't hug, or touch if she could help it, stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her best friend. "I love him so much…" she heard Meredith whisper.

"Meredith?" Burke asked gently. He was going to ask her if she was sure she wanted to leave, but he thought better of it. "Where do you want to go?"

Meredith pulled away from Cristina, staggered backwards and slumped against the wall. Where did she want to go? If she was smart, she'd say London, or Miami, or Tulsa Oklahoma. She'd never look back and she'd never give anyone the chance to find her. But she wasn't smart enough to let go.

_I'm a New Yorker. Genetically engineered to hate anywhere except Manhattan._

"New York City." She whispered.

She would give him one more chance to find her.

* * *

Burke ushered Cristina into the hallway. "I need to go to Mercy West and get a heart for Denny Duquette." He told her in a serious, hushed tone. "You do not let that girl out of your sight. Drive her to the airport and stay with her until she is on the plane."

"We're just going to let her go?"

"Cristina, she almost died. She almost died because is a surgeon that nearly allowed herself to bleed out on the floor of a locker room. Force her to stay here, and next time we might not be lucky enough to catch her in time."

Cristina yanked her hair into a ponytail in frustration. "So that's it? She has to leave, and Shepherd just stays here and plays house with Addison?" she asked bitterly.

"We can not control Shepherd." Burke said calmly. "All we can do is what is best for Meredith, and right now, that is to leave Seattle."

Cristina nodded. "I'll take her to the airport." She said. "While you get the heart."

Burke put his hands on his girlfriend's shoulders. "You take her to the airport, and tell her that when she gets to New York, she should go straight to Mount Sinai hospital. By then, I'll have told Richard to secure her a spot in the internship program. When she gets there, tell her to page David Gold. He's an attending there who was in my class at Hopkins. He'll help her find a place to stay and get settled."

Cristina's eyes looked, for a split second like they might mist over. She bit her lip and nodded. "Thank you." She said to Burke.

"Make sure she checks in with us every hour. I don't care what time of night it is, Cristina. She's fragile and…" he trailed off. "Make sure she knows we will follow her out there if she does not call." Cristina nodded. In her second uncharacteristic gesture of the day, she wrapped her arms around Burke in the hallway of Seattle Grace.

"You don't know how much this means." She whispered.

* * *

Flying was easy. Airplanes were non descript. No one knew you. You weren't an intern or a dirty mistress, or Meredith Grey. You weren't having an affair with the man who hadn't chosen you. You hadn't lied to his wife about it. No one knew they fought about you, or that he called you a whore.

Luckily for Meredith, these things stayed hidden throughout the flight to New York. This was good, because she didn't think any of the mothers around her would take kindly to a home wrecker. She listened to them quiet their children; she listened to the flight attendants hustle and bustle.

Meredith Grey was thousands of feet in the air, still wearing the scrubs she had left the hospital in. Cristina had driven her home, and she had shoved things into three suitcases, checked them, and taken nothing but her tote bag on the plane. There were instructions from Cristina written in the tote. There was her cell phone, her wallet.

She was just another passenger on the United Airlines flight crossing the country from Seattle to JFK. But her head, her head was another story. Filled with Derek Shepherd, it still threatened to drown her, even all the way up here in the air.

* * *

Breathe. In and out. That's all he needed. One gasp of oxygen after the other would keep him alive. Derek strode through the hospital with unprecedented urgency. She couldn't have left already. It wasn't possible, he had seen her four hours ago.

Derek's head was spinning with the events of the last few months. He saw her silhouette against the hallway light that first night in the hotel. He saw the despair in her eyes at Thanksgiving, the serene way she looked sleeping at Christmas. He saw her reaching for him in the shower, bloody and sobbing. His voice mixed into the memories, calling her things, bringing her down with him.

One sound rose above the din, and kept him moving. Find Meredith, find her and stop her from leaving the city. Fuck Addison, fuck everything. She was all that mattered now. His pager went off at his leg. A 911 to trauma.

"Damn it." He cursed under his breath, turning on his heel and heading for a consult. When he burst angrily through the doors of the exam room, he came face to face with Burke.

"Meredith." He said. "Preston, was she with you? Is she hurt?"

Burke shook his head weakly. "She left hours ago." He said.

Derek Shepherd felt all out of chances.

_And if I die,  
You won't be so close to me._


	19. Chapter 19

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**Another update! Yaay! Our goal is to update everything TWICE before JUNE 29th, when we take off for the Hamptons, and so far we've done A Leap Of Faith, Breath and Fireworks all once, but stay tuned. **

**We love this chapter, because the cat finally, finally comes out of the bag. **

**REVIEW. **

_These stories don't mean anything,  
if you've got no one to tell them to…_

If you had asked Cristina a week or two ago if she thought that one night she would be in her boyfriend's hospital room, talking to him about the surgery he'd had on the gun shot wound to his shoulder, wearing a prom dress while her person had just taken off for New York City, she would have laughed. Not even she was that cynical.

But it had all happened. Burke had been shot, they were having a prom for the chief's niece, and Meredith was gone. It had happened, and it had happened so fast. She barely blinked and life was unfolding. Perched on the edge of Burke's bed, she smiled at him.

"So she's okay?" Burke questioned. "She made it to Manhattan?"

"She made it Cristina confirmed. "She made it Mount Sinai. She's in the program. She talked to David Gold, and he's asking around for roommates. Burke, she couldn't have done it without you."

"Happy to help." He said with a smile.

"And your arm?" she asked tentatively.

"Shepherd's confident." Was all Burke said.

"Speak of the devil…" Cristina murmured as Derek stepped over the threshold and into Burke's room.

"Where is she?" Derek asked, stopping at the foot of Burke's bed. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at them. "I know you know." Derek said, his eyes blazing a dark, angry blue. "Tell me where she is."

Cristina's eyes were the picture of defiance as she stood, staring at him. Addison crossed the threshold of the room. Burke in his bed, in his robe, Derek in his tux, Addison and Cristina in their dresses, it painted a ridiculous picture. Addison slipped her hand into Derek's but he barely noticed.

"How are you, Preston?" she asked.

"I want to know." Derek said in a low voice.

"Cristina…." Burke said, slowly. But Cristina just stared down Derek, her eyes flashing with anger, loyalty and something that the rest of them just couldn't define. She took a step closer to him.

"Give me one reason I should tell you." She demanded in a low, dangerous voice that clearly meant business. It wasn't the volume of her voice, it was the intensity. She was beyond angry, and the fact that Derek's wife was clutching at his hand and they were all in the middle of the hospital seemed to mean nothing to her.

"Tell you what, Derek?" Addison asked looking up at him with questioning blue eyes. He ignored her, his eyes focused on Cristina. She knew the one piece of information Derek needed to right all of these wrongs. All he had to do was find Meredith, and then he could apologize, tell Addison everything, and walk away with a divorce and the woman he loved. In his head, it was that simple.

"Cristina," he said, his voice sounding just as deadly as hers, "Just tell me where she is." Burke's slightly open window blew a summer breeze into the stuffy room. They could hear music coming from downstairs at the prom.

"Do you actually think that after everything you put her through, I'm going to give you as much as a direction to look in?"

Derek's face softened as he remembered the haunting look on Meredith's face the last time she'd disappeared away from him. "Please, just tell me. I didn't mean to…"

"Didn't mean to what? Hurt her?" Cristina all but shouted. "Did you bother to look at her anytime in the past few months? Did you notice that she dropped just about all the weight she had to loose? Did you notice that getting her to eat is a full time job? You didn't notice, Derek. So why should I tell you?"

"Because I love her!" he shouted, not caring about the repercussions. The consequences of the statement were instantaneous. Addison dropped his hand immediately and stepped away from him. "I love her! And I need to apologize; I need to make her understand…"

"You love her?" Cristina exploded, a shocked and angry laugh escaping her laugh. "Well you have a pretty strange way of showing it! Sleeping with her, breaking her down, making her almost kill herself!"

Derek reacted like she'd slapped him. "She didn't. She never would have." The color drained from his face. "Is she okay?" he whispered. Cristina just stared at him with hard, cold eyes. "Is she okay?" he shouted.

"She's alive, you ass. But of course she's not okay."

Derek shook his head. "You're lying. She was fine. She needed space."

"She punched a mirror, Derek! You pushed her up against that wall for the last time, and you almost got caught, and she punched a mirror. I found her bleeding on the floor! I found her. Where were you when I was stitching up her arm? With your wife!"

Addison suddenly found her voice. "Derek." She said, her tone low and deadly. "Is this true?" He shrugged and nodded, his eyes not leaving Cristina. Addison saw how he just ignored her, brushed her off like it was no big deal. "You told me you were trying!" she exploded. "I moved here to be with you, to try, and this whole time you've been sleeping with Meredith?" she shouted.

Derek turned to face her, finally. "Yes." He said quietly. Addison felt herself start shaking. Rage and tears combined, and she felt herself spinning out of control.

"Tell me you regret it." She demanded. "Tell me that if you could do it over, you'd take it back. Tell me that or there's no fixing this."

"Addison, I can't. I don't regret…I can't regret Meredith." He whispered. Addison's face contorted, from shock to outrage and then settled on fury as she turned to face Derek. Her hand rose in the air and smacked him in the face, hard. Hard enough to leave a glowing red hand print on his cheek.

"I don't believe you…" she said lowly. She wanted to shout, but she couldn't suck enough air into her lungs. "You were trying. All this time, you promised me you were trying."

She stumbled back into the wall, and Derek made no move towards her. She sank down into a heap of dress of despair on the floor. "You promised me you were trying." She repeated in a whisper. "It was a promise."

* * *

"Meredith." David Gold said, walking up to her. "There's a young woman named Jessica Metz in peds who needs a roommate. I've given her your cell number, okay?" 

Meredith attempted a weak smile. "Thank you, Dr. Gold." She said. She watched him walk away, and her thoughts drifted to Seattle as she headed for the locker room to go back to her hotel. She wondered about Burke's surgery, how Cristina was, how Denny was taking his new heart. Most of all, she wondered if Derek missed her yet.

The young girl who had been listening to Meredith's exchange with Dr. Gold crossed the hallway and followed her. "Dr. Grey!" she shouted, catching Meredith's attention. "I overheard your plans. Jess Metz? You can't live with her. She has a lisp. And no appreciation for fashion, of any kind. Plus she's annoying as hell. And she always wear salmon colored scrubs."

Meredith smiled in spite of herself. "What kind of self respecting surgeon wears salmon colored scrubs?" she whispered, more out of memory than actual wonder.

"Exactly." The intern before her said. "Look, I live with some friends in a huge townhouse in SoHo? It's super trendy and kind of touristy, what with the Marc Jacobs over on Bleeker, but we've got plenty of room."

"You're asking me to move in with you?" Meredith asked.

"You've obviously got a story to tell. And you're obviously not in the best place right now." The intern said, eyeing the bandage on Meredith's arm. "And living with Metz is, trust me, only going to make you suicidal."

Meredith thought about it, and then nodded. "Yeah. Okay."

The girl grinned. "I'm Sara." She said. "Let's go."

_It's true,  
__I was made for you. _


	20. Chapter 20

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**There's a lot left to this story, so don't give up on it! Reviews have been way down lately. We feel like we suck, and we're sorry. But don't give up on us. Even though we are shamelessly writing ourselves into this, it's still got a few twists. **

**REVIEW. **

_Honestly, I thought that we could make it all the way,  
Barefoot on beaches dancing against the grain,  
But stone by stone, the castle crumpled to the ground._

Cristina looked across the kitchen at Alex and George. Izzie was lying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress, and none of them knew what to do. It had only been a few hours since he died, and she wasn't speaking. Was barely breathing. Just lying there on the floor.

Cristina wished that she would cry. Wail so loudly that they could hear her throughout the house, but her tears flowed in silence, and when she cried them all out, they stopped until fresh ones rose in her throat. Cristina had long since shut herself off to that kind of grief. She didn't know how to help Izzie. So she made coffee.

"Where's Meredith?" George asked as she filled three cups. Cristina almost dropped the coffee pot. Meredith. In all the chaos, she had almost forgotten that her best friend, her person had left the hospital, left Seattle entirely. She met Alex's eyes, and knew that he understood. She didn't know what to say to George's innocent question.

"She's taking some time off." Alex supplied. Cristina looked at him gratefully, her eyes betraying her hard exterior.

"Time off? From work?" George asked. "Well, where is she? Does she know about Izzie?"

"George." Cristina said. "She's not here." Her voice was hoarse. She hadn't used it since her brawl with Shepherd in Burke's room, and it was scratchy now. "She's in New York City."

George's eyes darted back and forth between Cristina and Alex, and he lowered himself into one of the stools at the island in the kitchen. "What do you two know?" he asked quietly

Cristina took a breath, inhaling deeply. Now was the time when she had to decide whether or not she would keep her friend's secret. She knew it would all come pouring out in a few days. And George, George deserved to know. "She's been sleeping with Shepherd, George." Cristina blurted out. "She's been with Shepherd for months now, ages, and she just… she couldn't take it anymore."

Several expressions flitted across George's face until his features finally settled on shock. "She was sleeping with Shepherd?" he echoed. "I asked her straight out if she was sleeping with Shepherd, and she denied it. She lied to my face." He said slowly.

"Jesus Christ, George!" Cristina exploded. "She's gone! She moved away. She transferred her internship to Mount Sinai. This isn't about you!"

"That's why she didn't talk to me. Or Izzie. It's why she was always drinking, and never eating." George said. "I asked her and she lied to me!" He burst out again as everything dawned on him. Cristina, fuming, opened her mouth, ready to tear into him, but Alex held up a hand and silenced her.

"Listen." He said. "George, she's fucked up. The broken mirror in the locker room? She punched it, and almost bled out on the floor. She was scared, okay? She didn't mean to shut any of us out."

George was silent and still for a while, staring at the floor. When he looked back up, his expression had changed yet again; this time his face was the picture of concern. "Is she okay?"

Cristina sighed. "I think so. She was calling every hour, but it's been at least eight hours since I've heard anything."

"Calling every hour?" came a voice from the front door. "Who?" Callie stood in the doorway, staring at the bizarre scene in the kitchen. George was facing Cristina, who was clutching a coffee pot, and Alex was off to the side, holding a still steaming cup of coffee in both hands, without drinking it. They all turned and stared blankly at Callie.

"I just came to see how Izzie was." She said, holding up her hands in a defensive stance. "And to see if there was anything I could do." She looked around the kitchen. "Where's Grey?" she asked. Cristina looked at her, and George and Alex looked at Cristina. Finally, Cristina sighed and pulled another coffee mug out the cabinet, pouring a cup for Callie as well, accepting her into the fold.

* * *

Addison's hands were shaking. She sat on them, but she couldn't get them to stop shaking. She was perched on the plush bed in this gorgeous hotel room, sitting on her hands, but still they shook. All she could do was go over the previous months in her mind. The days ran on a loop, and every time she went through them, she realized that she knew.

Of course she didn't consciously know and choose to ignore it, but somewhere, she knew. It was now, in retrospect, obvious that she had doomed them months ago by sleeping with Mark, and that it was never going to be the same. But Addison had convinced herself that she and Derek would recover, would be the ones that made it and grew old together.

But looking back, she knew. All those times he was so distracted, or flustered. All those forced smiles and conversations during which he wouldn't look her in the eyes.

And then there was Meredith. She had been so jumpy, so unsure. Addison had let herself believe those actions were done out of sadness and confusion, but now she could see that it was guilt. She unscrewed the cap on the bottle of Ketel One that was cradled in her lap and poured some more into her cup. A sigh escaped her lips as a few more tears ran down her cheeks. Not even the top shelf liquor was enough to dull the pain. An urgent knocking sounded at her door, and she knew it was Derek, but she got up and opened the door anyway.

Without meeting his eyes, Addison sat back down on the bed and picked up her bottle and her glass again. He stood in front of her, unsure of what to say. "Addison…"

"If you say that you're sorry, I'll kill you." She said, her voice steady and low.

"But I am sorry." He protested.

"No you're not!" Addison burst out with a fervor that surprised them both. "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it. You would have tried; you would have given me a chance! You wouldn't have jumped all over her the first chance you had."

Derek looked down. "I love her, Addie." He said. "I love her more than I ever thought I could love anything. She's everything to me, and I… I don't know how to exist here, or anywhere without her."

Addison barely felt it, but fresh tears slipped out of her eyes. "Why are you telling me this?" she whispered.

"Because I need you to understand that it wasn't cheap, or for sex. I need you to know that I didn't throw us away for nothing. Meredith is the love of my life."

Addison felt the room spin slightly as the montage in her head changed. She could see clearly in her mind's eye the day that she met Derek. The night of their first date. His proposal. The wedding, the honeymoon, the good times. She saw his face as he opened that door and saw her with Mark. "But I love you." She whispered, sounding weak to her own ears. "You're the love of _my_ life, Derek."

"I'm sorry, Addison." He said softly, hanging his head. She saw guilt in his face, but no remorse.

"You're not sorry that it's over. You're sorry because I'm hurting." She said, anger pushing through the agonizing sadness. "Mark was right. I was a burden to you. You didn't want to try and you really didn't want it to work."

"I wanted Meredith." He said, vocalizing what Addison could not. A sob wracked her body and she felt Derek's weight on the mattress. She raised the glass to her lips and drained it. Groping for the bottle on the bed, she turned away from him, not wanting his pity or his comfort.

"Go Derek." She said huskily through her tears. "Get out." Silence consumed the room, and after several moments of dead quiet and utter stillness, she felt him stand.

"I'm sorry, Addie." He said. She waited until she heard the door shut, and she started feeling around the bed again. Through the gut wrenching sobs she couldn't stop crying, the hand still wearing her wedding rings closed over her cell phone. She had the sense to dial his home number, knowing he would be either out or at the hospital and wouldn't answer.

"This is Mark Sloan. I'm not here right, but if you leave a message, there's a chance your call may be returned." She waited for the beep and drew in a trembling breath.

"Mark, it's me." She said shakily into her cell phone. "It's Addison. It's over Mark. Derek and I, we're over. You were right. He's in love with Meredith. He's been sleeping with her…" she trailed off as the sobs rose in her throat once more. "He loves her and it's over. I thought you'd want to know." She pressed the end button before she could go on.

The phone dropped from her shaking hands onto the bed. Addison laid down where she was and drew her knees to her chest. Curling up in a tiny ball, she let the tears take over her body. Hot, bitter tears and loud, earth shattering sobs came from room until dawn.

_I stood and stared as you started  
falling to the waves. _

**Stick with us! Please review! We're desperate to hear your opinions. **

**ALSO. We've currently got the first chapter of our new story, "Let the Angels Commit" under construction. It's going to be an AU exploration of Mark. Addison, Meredith and Derek. Basically, Mer's in med school and the others are interns. She's engaged to Mark, but falls for Derek. Angsty, sexy, etc. Keep an eye out for it! **

**REVIEW!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**There's a lot left to this story, so don't give up on it! Reviews have been way down lately. We feel like we suck, and we're sorry. But don't give up on us. Even though we are shamelessly writing ourselves into this, it's still got a few twists. **

**WOW. We havent been able to update, becuase our sweet landlord didnt install our DSL until today. So here you go. **

**REVIEW. **

_Nothing is like it was,  
turn my grief to grace. _

"So," Sara said looking at Meredith from over the top of her sunglasses, "Are you ever going to tell me how this happened?"

Meredith frowned, knowing this conversation would come up sooner or later. The two weeks she had spent living in Sara's brownstone in New York had brought them together. They were instant friends, like Meredith and Cristina. "How what happened?" Meredith asked.

Sara rolled her eyes. "Don't play dumb with me, woman." She instructed playfully. "You're getting better now, but this," she said, gesturing to Meredith with both hands, "this underfed, self induced hell thing? This requires an explanation."

Sara watched as Meredith's eyes widened and she began to look slightly panicked. "Mer, I'm not going to judge. I'm not going to think any less of you."

There was a silence between them for awhile. Sara sat back on the bench and sipped her coffee, gazing at the expanse of Manhattan skyline rising before them. Finally, Meredith spoke. "I moved to Seattle to start my internship, and I met someone. He was… fabulous. He was everything. I fell in love with him."

"So what went wrong?" Sara asked.

"He had a wife." Meredith whispered. "And she came in, all immaculate, and Prada clad, and he chose to stay with her."

Sara frowned. "And then I started sleeping with him." Meredith blurted out. "And it was tragic. And then I punched a mirror, and I almost bled out, and then his wife accused him of being in love with me in front of the entire hospital, so I freaked out and told him I was in love with him, and then I moved halfway across the country. Because I'm an avoider. I avoid problems, and Derek, Derek was a huge catastrophic problem." She said very quickly.

Sara lowered her sunglasses and cocked an eyebrow at her. "Wow." Was all she said, "No wonder you're so screwed up."

Meredith looked at her hands. "I miss him." She admitted. "I'm okay, here, I really am, but I miss him. It's like part of me is missing." Sara squeezed her arm and smiled at her.

"So who was it? Someone I know?"

"Derek Shepherd."

Sara's eyes widened and she almost choked on the coffee in her mouth. She struggled to swallow, finally opting to spit it on the ground, before lifting her head, coughing and sputtering. "Derek Shepherd?" she repeated. "That was you? You're the lusty intern?"

Meredith shrugged, and bit her lip, her eyes dancing. She pointed at Sara's shoes and leg, now covered in coffee. The two of them dissolved into laughter, with New York City before them.

* * *

"So," Addison's lawyer said with a raised eyebrow, "Tell me why we are here today."

"Excuse me?" Derek's lawyer shot back, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Because I had an affair." Derek said. His lawyer shot him a pointed look, but Derek ignored him. "She can take the brownstone. The house in the Hamptons." Derek mumbled despondently, his fingers reaching down to fiddle with the handle of the coffee cup in front of him. "She can have everything."

Addison's eyes narrowed. "Really, Derek?" she asked. "That's all I get?"

"Addison, I had an affair. I hurt you. Take everything." He said.

"You don't even care enough about this marriage to try and take anything away from it. You can take the Hampton house. Fight with me over _something_." She begged, desperate to know he would miss her, that the last eleven years hadn't all been for nothing.

"The only I care about, the only thing I need, Addison, has disappeared. Without Meredith, I don't care about fighting over TV's and paintings. I don't care what you do with the brownstone, and I still hate the Hamptons!"

The lawyers exchanged uncomfortable glances as Addison dropped her head into her hands. "Why?" she asked after a long silence.

"Why what?" Derek snapped irritably.

"If you knew that all you wanted, all you cared about was Meredith, why did you drag me through what I went through? Why pretend to try at all?"

Derek looked at his hands, spread flat on the shiny mahogany table in silence for a long time. Finally he sighed. "I wanted her to see she wasn't wrong about me." He said quietly.

"Fuck you, Derek." Addison said, standing so fast her chair clattered to the floor. She left the room on her three inch Manolo Blahnik sling backs, emulating everything Meredith Grey wasn't.

"She can take the Hamptons." Derek's lawyer said to Addison's.

* * *

She left the sleek, glossy building in a blind rage. Anger coursed through her blood as Derek's words rang in her ears. Clouds hung over the city, but the drenching rain Addison wanted to accompany her anger wasn't present. She clenched her hands into fists as she clunked down the street, her heels making satisfying clunks as she walked.

Her hands made her way to her Prada bag and were fumbling with the clasp before she could tell herself what a bad idea it was. In the depths of the bag was her phone, and her hands closed around it and were dialing before she could stop them. When the ringing finally stopped, it was his voicemail that broke the silence.

"Mark, it's Addie." She said. "I'm leaving the lawyers. He gave me everything. You were right, Mark. You were completely right. He only wanted Meredith to think that…. He didn't want her to be wrong about him. He didn't want to take anything… just please call me." She said, hanging up before her tears could get the better of her.


	22. Chapter 22

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**This takes place a few days after Izzie goes back to work. Time is passing… things are settling down…sort of. **

**Also, we're not hating on Addie. We love her; we're just letting her vent her anger. **

**REVIEW. **

_Someone's gonna have to step up,  
someone's gonna have to clean this mess up._

"I'm sorry." Derek said, approaching Addison and Callie's table at Joe's. "I know you don't want to hear it, but I really am sorry."

A short bitter laugh escaped Addison's lips. "Yes, you must be terribly sorry." She said sarcastically. "The more I think about it, the more I see I'm not the only one who got screwed." She sipped her drink and smiled meanly. "Well, literally, I barely got screwed at all. But figuratively, we're in the same boat. After all, you lost your girl." The smile on her face twisted, and Derek shuffled his feet.

"Do you even know where she is?" Addison demanded. The look on Derek's face told her that he had no idea. Addison laughed again and Callie shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I'm sure she's found someone else's husband by now," Addison said causally. "Or maybe she ran off with our vet."

Derek's face darkened. "I'm in love with her." He hissed.

Addison smirked at him. "Wow," she said, "I can really see just how sorry you are." Derek shook his head.

"I tried, Addie." He said, turning and walking out of the bar. He drove, not to his trailer, but to her house. He stood outside for a long time, staring at her window, willing her light to go on and her silhouette to appear. He stood there, staring, until the door opened, revealing Izzie and George. They froze when they say him standing there, and no one spoke. The three of them stared at each other.

"What the hell is he doing here?" came a voice from behind them. Derek turned to see Alex striding past him, standing to face him on the porch with Izzie and George.

"Good question." George muttered. Izzie strode angrily down the porch steps and stood directly in front of him.

"What do you want?" she demanded.

"Izzie…" he said.

"It's Dr. Stevens." She corrected harshly. "I was mad at her. Because she was pulling away from us. I was mad at her, and the whole time, it was your fault."

"I'm sorry." He said softly.

"Shut up." She said. "Don't tell me that you're sorry." Alex and George joined her, flanking her from either side.

"I need to know where she is." Derek said. "She said she loves me." He blurted before they could say no. "I'm divorced. I just want to... I need her." He said. "I know I made mistakes…"

"Mistakes?" Izzie demanded. "Stop it! Stop spinning it like this. You wanted to show her you were a good guy and you wanted her. You should have known you couldn't have both!"

"I never told her." Derek said suddenly. "I never told her that I love her. I need her to know. She needs to know."

"She almost bled to death!" Alex shouted. "You didn't know how bad it was, because you were with Addison! So don't come in here, acting like you're a good man underneath it all. We know you're not." He stepped away from them to put an arm around Izzie who looked shaken.

"George…" Derek said, speaking to his last hope.

"She lied to me." George said quietly. "I asked her about you, and she lied to me. You changed her…" he trailed off, and glanced over his shoulder at the house. Clearing his throat, he spoke again, "Dr. Shepherd, I'm sorry. We won't tell you. If she wants to talk to you, she'll call."

* * *

Meredith and Sara were strolling down the halls of the hospital. "I can't believe you broke up Addison and Derek." Sara said.

"How do you know about that?" Meredith asked.

Sara rolled her eyes. "They both used to have practices here." She said matter of factly, as if Meredith should have known. "Someone found out he was seeing someone. Seeing you. Hospital gossip got around. She went to Seattle when she heard about you."

"Oh Jesus." Meredith said dryly.

"Okay, Mer, what are you doing?"

"Killing time until I can pick up my labs?" She answered hopefully.

"Nice try." Sara said. "What are you doing in New York? I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad you're living with us. But when are you going to stop pretending that everything that happened to you happened to someone else?"

"I'm not…"

"You are. You're still in love with him. That kind of thing doesn't go away over night. I don't know if it ever goes away. But the point is, Mer, sooner or later you'll have to face it. Face him."

"Sara…" Sara's pager went off.

"Saved by the bell." She said, grinning. "I'm working till ten, but we're going to dinner after. Meet me at ten thirty. We can hit Bungalow too." Meredith rolled her eyes and ambled off. She decided to go check on her labs on the off chance they would be done early.

"Well, well, well." Came a voice from behind her. "If it isn't Meredith Grey." Meredith stopped walking in the middle of the hallway. Something in the confident voice struck a chord in her memory. She turned slowly.

"Mark Sloan." She said, her eyes landing on him, leaning against the wall, arms crossed. He grinned and ambled towards her, his confident saunter carrying him through the corridor.

"See?" he asked no one in particular. "I'm impossible to forget." She rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips.

"How are you?" she asked politely.

He shook his head. "Come on, Grey." He said, conversationally, as if they were old friends. "Desperate times force us to forgo pleasantries. I think the dirty mistress club needs to meet."

Instinctively, she shook her head no, already plagued by visions of getting drunk over her sob story and falling into bed with him. "Meredith, I'm serious." He said. "This is important. Meet me in the King Cole Bar in the St. Regis tonight. What time are you off?"

"Seven." She said tentatively.

"Let's meet at nine." He told her. She was about to refuse again, but his face reflected concern, sincerity and a little bit of urgency. She nodded.

"Nine o'clock." She confirmed. His pager went off and he smiled at her reassuringly, before hurrying down the hallway. Meredith sighed and kept walking, blinking in disbelief.

She was picking up her labs when it occurred to her that he hadn't asked her why she was in New York.


	23. Chapter 23

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**REVIEW. **

_I finally know now what I should have known then.  
_

Meredith walked nervously into the bar. She almost hadn't come. She had almost stayed out of the Upper East Side that night, but the look in Mark's eyes was haunting her. When she arrived at the Saint Regis, she found Mark sitting at the bar, sipping scotch. She slid into the seat next to him and he cast her a sidelong glance. Checking his watch, he grinned at her.

"And I thought you were going to stand me up, Grey." He said.

"I almost did." She admitted with a nervous smile.

Mark leaned over and gestured to the bartender. "She's going to need a very strong Ketel One martini." He said. "Very strong." Meredith raised her eyebrows. "I know about that affair." Mark said casually.

Meredith gripped the edge of the bar. "He told you?"

Mark laughed out loud. "Please. She told me. Or told my voicemail anyway. I just can't…" he trailed off. "Anyway. I called you here, because I know you love him and I thought you deserved to know all the facts."

Meredith nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay." She said. She met his eyes and realized he was asking her for permission to continue. She took a sip of her drink and nodded again. "Tell me." She blurted out, before she could leave and continue on in her blissful New York ignorance.

"They're divorced, Mer." Mark said bluntly.

"What?" she breathed. "When?"

Mark sipped his scotch. "As soon as you left. Addison, she left me a lot of messages. He told her that loves you, and that he only stayed with her so you would know you were right about him."

Meredith stared at Mark, wide eyed, suddenly missing Derek so much it hurt. "Addie told him they could get past it if he would say he regretted it, but he wouldn't."

"I don't believe you." Meredith said suddenly. "He doesn't love me. He… he said things, and did things, and he just let me leave."

Mark reached out and clasped her shoulder. "Meredith, I know Derek better than anyone. He's an honorable guy. He does what he has to do. He never would have done what Addison and I did if he didn't love you."

Meredith took a sip of her drink. "He hasn't tried to find me." She murmured.

"You told him where you were going?"

"Of course not. But… I could have gone anywhere. I should have gone anywhere. I chose New York City, Mark. He grew up here. I just thought if he wanted to find me… he'd know somehow."

Mark looked at her, his eyes intense and blazing. "Addison said he loves you." Meredith nodded and drained her drink. Mark grinned at her, sensing the conversation was over. "Where are you going, all dressed up Grey?" He asked, his grin turning playful.

She rolled her eyes. "Dinner. Maybe Bungalow."

"So that's why you look so gorgeous. You know, I can always help ease some of that Derek induced pain."

Meredith laughed in spite of herself. "You never quit do you?"

"Not if I can help it." Mark said, eyeing her suggestively.

"I appreciate your help. But I'm not sleeping with you."

"Fair enough." Mark said. "You want in on my surgery tomorrow?"

Meredith slid off the stool and considered him. "Do I have to sleep with you?" she asked.

"No."

"Then yes. Page me anytime." She started for the door, but turned around. "Mark?" she called. "Thanks."

"My pleasure." He said, winking. "You be careful out there, Grey." He watched her leave and pulled out his cell phone, placing it on the bar and spinning, trying to decide which call to make.

* * *

Derek was hovering by the nurse's station. He kept looking at Bailey as she filled out her chart, and then looking down every time she met his eyes. When it happened for the fourth time, she tossed her pen on the counter.

"What do you want?" she demanded.

"What?" Derek asked.

"What do you want? You keep staring over here and since I am not blonde or tiny enough for you to be checking out, I'm assuming this means you want something."

Derek sighed. "Speaking of blonde and tiny? DoyouknowwhereMeredithis?" he asked her very quickly.

Bailey put her hands on her hips. "In English please."

"Do you know where Meredith is?" Derek asked, more slowly this time. Bailey opened her mouth, presumably to lay into him, but Olivia's head popped up.

"Dr. Shepherd, there's a long distance call for you."

"Where can I take it?" Derek demanded, his heart leaping with hope. Olivia shrugged and took her finger off the hold button. She handed Derek the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Don't hang up."

"Mark." Derek said, his voice dejected. "What do you want?"

"I have something I need to tell you. I heard about the divorce." Mark said. "I'm sorry, Derek."

"Yea, I bet you are." Derek said bitterly. "Planning to come and take her back to New York?"

Mark coughed, determined not to take the bait. "No." he said. "If Addison wants to start things again with me, she has to do it on her own terms."

Derek raised his eyebrows. "Mark, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you're maturing."

"Hey, it had to happen sometime."

"Well, thanks, you know. For calling." Derek said awkwardly.

"That's not the only reason I called." M ark said quickly. "You should get on the next plane and come out here."

Now Derek was lost. Was there a case? A consult? Did Mark just want to reunite over drinks at the King Cole bar? "Why?"

"I ran into someone who knows you." Mark said casually. "I hit on her, but she turned me down. Wouldn't even take the bait a little."

Derek sighed. This was why he called? To talk about a member of their old crowd who wouldn't magically fall into bed with him? "Who was it Mark?"

"Meredith Grey."

Time stopped. Derek froze. He couldn't breathe, or think, or speak. All he could feel was his heart pounding in his chest. "She's there?"

"Mount Sinai intern program." Mark said simply. "They called me over for a consult, and there she was."

"She's been in New York all this time."

"Like I said. You should come out here."

"I can't. She ran away from me, Mark."

"No, Derek, she ran away from the affair she was having with you. She ran from the guilt, and the pain, but she didn't run from you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because she ran to the one place she knew you could find her. She could have gone anywhere. Back to Boston. But she came to New York. To the hospital you used to work for. She wants you to find her."

"I…" Derek stammered. "I don't know."

Mark sighed. "I do. You love her Derek. And love isn't brains, its blood. If love were brains, you'd still be with Addison. But Meredith? She's in your heart. You love her, and she loves you. Don't waste anymore time."

"Mark, I…"

"Derek." Mark said sharply. "Don't. Don't argue, don't protest, and don't thank me. Just get your ass on a plane." There was a click as he hung up the phone.

"Thank you." Derek said to the dead air, stunned. Suddenly everything snapped into place. He dropped the phone on the desk. "I need a computer." He said. "No, I don't have time. I have to find Richard." He dug into the pocket of his lab coat, and produced his platinum American Express card. "Olivia," he said, handing it to her, "I need you to buy me a plane ticket on the next flight to New York City. I don't care how much it costs. Just get me on a plane. I'll be back in ten minutes."

He ran down the hallway, and Olivia sat, dumbfounded, holding his credit card. She looked at Bailey, who shook her head. "Oh don't look at me." Bailey said. "I try not to associate with these crazy people."


	24. Chapter 24

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**WOW. We suck, we know. All we can say is that we're super busy and we're really trying to update as much as possible. **

**We know you've been waiting for Derek to come to the rescue. Here it is.**

**REVIEW. **

_Nothing can bring me peace,  
I've lost everything._

Meredith sighed and looked out the window. Fall in New York City was an experience all its own. The sky was tumultuous, laden with storm clouds that contrasted the bright leaves on the trees. Looking at the sky made her apprehensive for reasons she didn't understand. Last night's conversation with Mark had left her paralyzed, capturing all of her thoughts. Today, her day off, all she could do was sit at the window and turn it over her mind.

"Meredith, I gotta go!" Sara shouted from her bedroom. "Are you coming with me?"

Meredith heaved another sigh. "No." she called. Sara strode into the living room, in her jeans, heels and flowing black top. Her hair was pulled into a sleek ponytail and a pair of dangly earrings shimmered in the light. Meredith smiled at her, rolling her eyes in a gesture of affection as Sara stared at her incredulously.

"Are you serious?" she asked. "It's a Jimmy Choo sample sale!" Sara said, gaping.

Meredith smiled. "I don't know what that means, Sar." Sara rolled her eyes back as the door bell rang.

"If that's not the Fed Ex guy with my Yves Saint Laurent boots, I'm not letting them in." Sara muttered, hurrying towards the door. She swung the door open to find a dark haired blue eyed man standing in front of her. Sara paused for a second. "Oh boy." She said.

"Hi." He said awkwardly. "I'm…"

She shook her head and cut him off. "I know who you are." She said. "And you had to come right before I need to leave." Sara said, more to herself than to Derek. "This I would like to see." Derek shifted his weight on the front stoop of the brownstone and looked at her. "Hey Mer?" Sara called, shaking her head.

Meredith swung her legs over the window seat, got up and padded into the entrance hallway. "Oh my God." She breathed. She stopped moving and stood, frozen in the entrance way,

"Hi." Derek said. She said nothing, just stood and blinked as if he couldn't believe he was standing there. Sara looked back and forth between them.

"Right." She said briskly, grinning brightly and grabbing her coat from the rack on the wall. "Jimmy Choo sample sale." She said to neither of them specifically as Derek and Meredith continued to stare at each other. "I'm gone." Sara said, pulling the door open and shutting it quickly behind her.

"You're here." Meredith said stiffly.

"I'm here." He echoed.

"Because of Mark." She said in the same robotic tone.

"He did call me." Derek admitted. "I got on the first plane and came out here."

"So you're here because Mark called you." Meredith said, her voice betraying no emotion, her eyes riveted to a spot above his head.

Derek looked down. "I'm here." He offered, wincing at how pathetic it sounded. Meredith's eyes swept up towards the ceiling. When she finally met his gaze again, the façade crumbled.

"What took you so long?" she asked, tears slipping down her cheeks. Derek took a step forward. Meredith backed away immediately. "Don't." she whispered. "I… you…" she wiped her cheeks hastily and shook her head. They both stared at the ground for awhile, until Derek broke the silence.

"I love you." He said bluntly. "I've been saying that to you in my head for…ever. And you said it to me, and Meredith, everything was tainted, and I didn't say it back. But I love you. And I needed you to hear me say it back."

Meredith nodded. "And Addison?"

Derek sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I told her everything. I ended it. We're divorced."

"And what about all those months you weren't ending it?" she demanded, her anger surfacing. "I came here in May, Derek. And I came here so you could find me, and you didn't even look." He opened his mouth and realized there was nothing to say. "Derek, we said things and did things… I can't…"

"Meredith, you… you're everything." He said, simply, finally feeling the words coming to him.

"I might as well be nothing!" she shouted. "You let me walk away without a word."

"I didn't know what to say. I, I almost killed you, Meredith." He said, glancing towards her wrist. She pulled her sleeve over the faint scar self consciously.

"Who told you that?"

"Who didn't?" he said. "In the stairwell, at the end…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"We need to talk about it!" he exclaimed. "I didn't just come here to apologize. I came here because I love you, and I need you to come back with me."

She faltered, wobbling a little, unsteady on her feet, as if his words could literally knocked her over. "I don't know what to say." She whispered.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry." He said. "When Addison showed up, I didn't know what to do. I knew that I owed it to her to try, and if I had just up and chosen you, you would always be scared, and you would always think that I would do the same…"

"And now?" she demanded. "How am I supposed to trust you now, Derek?"

"Meredith, don't you see that we can work all of that out? We can fix it, I swear. I'll do everything you want me to. Just name it."

She shook her head and walked into the living room, positioning herself on the window seat again. Derek followed her and stood in the middle of the living room, occupying far more space than he should have in Meredith's mind. The clouds outside had darkened dramatically and she seemed riveted by them. Her face was turned towards the window, because looking at Derek struck a fear into her heart. He was larger than life to her.

He watched her carefully, and finally, after what felt like hours, saw her shoulders shake. He moved towards her before he could stop himself. He sat down and pulled her into his arms. Her body shook with sobs, and she tried to fight it, but she felt herself melting into him, just like she always had.

She cried until she couldn't anymore and finally mustered the courage to look up at him through tear soaked lashes. "I'm sorry." She said quietly.

"You don't have to be sorry. I'm going to be here for you, Meredith. That's the only thing I've learned. I can't live without you."

She shook her head. "I don't think I can."

"You can." He encouraged her. "I promise it'll be different this time."

She disentangled herself from him and stood up. "I gave you months to choose me. I waited, and I gave you everything you wanted. I never said no, I never thought about me." She said, her voice rising. "I lost myself to you. Every time you went home, I didn't know who I was. It's not going to be okay."

"Tell me you don't love me." Derek said calmly. She instantly averted her eyes. He stood up and smiled. "No." he said, cupping her face and lifting it towards his own. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me."

"I…" she struggled, trying to find the words, trying to form them, force them into the open. "I love you." Was all that came out.

"Then come home with me." He whispered.

She froze for a long time and slowly shook her head. "I can't." she whispered again. "I haven't found myself again. I haven't…. I'm still broken."

"It doesn't matter." Derek said urgently, placing his palms on her cheeks. "I'll fix you." She pulled away from him and slid down against the opposite wall. Derek stood looking at her for a minute, and said, "I won't walk away."

"Go." She said. "I wasn't enough for you, Der. I never will be. Just go."

He paused, but finally nodded. "I love you. I'll be in town for a few days." He turned and she watched his feet as he slowly left the room.


	25. Chapter 25

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**WOW. We suck, we know. All we can say is that we're super busy and we're really trying to update as much as possible. **

**We know you've been waiting for Derek to come to the rescue. Here it is.**

**REVIEW. **

_Give into love  
or live in fear._

He had been gone from the house for five minutes when the rain started. She had been rooted to the floor, unable to take a step, to move an inch. But when she raised her eyes to the window, and saw the rain, she knew.

It wasn't perfect, and it never would be, because perfection was impossible. In that moment, longing to be outside, in the rain, she could see that it was never meant for perfection, nor did they have to come close. Suddenly, she didn't need perfect. She didn't even need stable. She just needed him. Her feet started moving before her brain could catch up, but somewhere in the madness and the chaos, she felt clarity.

They say sometimes you know. You know when a person is the one, and in that unexpected moment, Meredith knew. Suddenly, all the wrong, all the despicable things they had done, to themselves, to Addison, to each other, those things didn't seem to matter so much anymore. She didn't know what would happen. She didn't know if her job, her friends, her life still existed in Seattle. She had enough time to examine herself, to see what she couldn't live without.

He had come looking for her. He had finally chosen her. She was on the sidewalk, her feet pounding the concrete, the rain soaking her clothes. Her legs pumped as they carried her in a direction, her mind completely unsure of which way to go. She ran through the rain, seeing everything in her minds eye as she tore through SoHo. Images flashed like pictures as moved into the water, and for the first time, she felt unafraid.

Her body halted instinctively when she saw him. He was standing on the corner, soaked, waiting for the light to turn and the traffic to stop. She was at the cross roads now, once and for all. She could slink back to her house, and stay here, or she could open her mouth, take in air, and call his name.

"Derek!" He froze, the sound of her voice sparking hope in him. He turned around slowly, afraid he wanted to hear her call his name so badly he had imagined it and when he turned around, no one would be there. But there she was, soaking wet, and walking toward him.

"I'm tired of being afraid." She said. He opened his mouth to say something, but she shook her head. "It's my turn to talk now." She said, a small smile gracing her features. "I'm terrified Derek. And I've been here for months, trying to forget, and trying not to care but I can't. And I'll always be a little bit screwed up. I'm always going to be the girl with the crappy childhood who punched the mirror. I'm never going to be an Addison." She paused and snuck a glance at him, fixing her eyes to his.

"But I love you, Derek. And if I don't do this now, I might never. And I don't want to spend my whole life like I spent the last five months, Der. I'm so tired of running."

They stood in the rain for a long time, staring at each other like the world had stopped. Meredith felt goose bumps on her skin. "Say something." She urged.

"I don't want you to be Addison." He finally said. "And I don't care how damaged you are. I don't care about any of that. I should have never stayed with her. I shouldn't have let you go…"

Meredith shook her head. "You can't take any of that back."

Derek nodded slowly. "We can move forward." He said.

"Forward." Meredith said cautiously, testing out the word. "Does that mean you just want to…?" She trailed off, unsure. Derek laughed out loud, finally letting himself believe this was happening.

"Meredith," he said, cupping her cheeks with his palms. "I'd marry you tomorrow." He said honestly. "But we can do whatever you want."

"Marry me? Derek I'm not… I mean I…"

"Meredith, please." He said, pulling her body towards him. "You were right. We said things, and did things, and we can't take them back. And neither one of us can change who we've been, but, Mer, we can control who we become." He paused to press his lips to her forehead. "I love you. More than I've ever loved anything."

* * *

It was different from the last time. The last time was the cold draft of the stairwell, the hard wall against her back, the bruises forming as they moved. This was slow, and warm, in her bed, as the rain beat against the window, and Derek's eyes never left hers. They lay in bed when it was over, her body tucked against his.

"You fit here." He whispered.

She smiled. "I know."

"Meredith?"

"Yea?"

"Come home with me?"

She paused. Seattle. God, she missed Seattle. The rain. Joe's. The house. Cristina. George and Izzie. She even missed Alex. Maybe it was time to leave New York and go back to Seattle. She thought about the day she left. It was all a blur of the stairwell, and his pleading eyes, and her hand against the mirror and Addison's cold stare.

"Addison." She said out loud. "I can't go back there."


	26. Chapter 26

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**WOW. We suck, we know. All we can say is that we're super busy and we're really trying to update as much as possible. **

**Update. It's been too long again, but we're trying.**

**REVIEW. **

_All of your ways and all of your thunder,  
got me in a haze running for cover,  
where we gonna go from here?_

"Richard." Addison said, barging into his office in the hostile manner she had adopted since Derek's confession and their divorce. "I need a neuro consult. Where might I find….?" She trailed off, as if saying the name was difficult.

"Derek?" Richard supplied.

"Yes, _Derek_." Addison spit out bitterly. "I need him. For a consult. And he's no where to be found."

Richard paused and folded his hands on his desk in front of him. He opened them and refolded them, before finally meeting Addison's eyes. "Derek took a leave of absence." He said.

"He took a leave of absence?" Addison repeated, the question evident in her voice. "Why? Where the hell did he go? And for how long?"

"I don't know, Addie." The chief said, not meeting her eyes.

"Don't lie to me Richard." She said. He held up two hands in a surrender position.

"I gave him my word I wouldn't say anything."

"Well that's perfect." Addison said. "I'm so glad that after all this time and everything he did, everyone is still on his side. Fabulous."

"He went to New York, Addison." Richard said finally. "He didn't say why or for how long." Addison blinked at him, dumbfounded. New York. That was not what she had been expecting.

* * *

Cristina swung the door to the locker room open and stood in the entrance, arms folded. She began to pace back and forth between a short area, as Izzie, George and Alex stared at her from a bench. "Something's going on here." She said, pointing at them, as if they were responsible. "McDreamy is missing."

"Okay, so he's gone." Izzie said. "Why is that so important?"

Cristina looked at Izzie like she was the most ignorant person Cristina had ever seen. "Because no one knew he was leaving." She snapped as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "It wasn't a planned vacation. Or a conference. He just took off."

"He went after Mer." Alex said, swallowing a mouthful of granola. "Catch up, Yang."

"How do you know?" she challenged, even though she knew full well there was no other logical explanation.

Alex eyed her smugly. "Olivia told me." He said.

"Of course she did." Izzie muttered.

"Why the hell didn't you say something?" Cristina demanded.

"She just told me on my way in. And then I was eating."

"Which has never stopped you from talking before." George said.

"Oh shut it, Bambi. It's a good thing." Cristina whirled around from angrily rummaging in her locker to face Alex, her eyes blazing.

"A good thing? He practically killed her!"

Alex shrugged. "Doesn't change the fact that she loves him."

"That makes it okay?" Cristina asked, taking a threatening step towards him.

"It doesn't matter what he did." Alex said simply. "She screwed up too. What they did is done. It's what he does with his second chance that matters."

* * *

"Shepherd residence." She said out of years of habit, even though she was the only one who occupied the townhouse. "Hello?" She repeated, when met with silence on the other line.

"Kathryn?" cane the tentative but familiar voice.

"Addison." Kathryn Shepherd said, unsure of how to react. "Ho are you?"

"Confused." She answered. "Is everything okay? With the family?"

Kathryn's brow furrowed. "As far as I know. Why?"

Addison swallowed. "I just didn't know why Derek went to New York."

"He's in New York?" Kathryn repeated, dumbfounded. "And he didn't even tell you why?"

A short, bitter laugh escaped Addison's lips. "Why would he bother?"

"Well you're his wife." Derek's mother pointed out, feeling utterly baffled herself. Derek was in New York and she somehow knew what Addison was going to say before she said it.

"We got divorced, Kathryn." Addison paused. "He didn't tell you." It was not a question, but the mere statement that he hadn't even bothered to tell his mother that the chapter of his life that included her had come to a close. "You should call him." Addison said.

"Addie, I get the impression that you are very angry." Kathryn said carefully. "But if Derek came here unexpectedly, it must be for something very important, and I'm sure if he wants to get in touch with me-"

"Of course." Addison interrupted, the realization crashing into her like a tidal wave. "Meredith."

* * *

It was the ultimate oddity. If you had asked Meredith in all of the time she had known Derek if she would have been sitting at a dimly lit bar with Derek and the man who slept with his wife, she would not have believed them for a single second. But there she was, ordering tequila shots while a few stools, Derek and Mark had an awkward conversation that ended with a handshake that evolved into a hug.

Meredith shook her head and signaled for another shot, shooting dubious looks at Derek and Mark all the while.

"She says she won't come back." Derek told Mark. "Because Addison is in Seattle."

Mark nodded. "You can't imagine the guilt." He said quietly, sliding his thumb over the rim of his glass.

"I cheated on my wife." Derek pointed out.

"It's a whole different story from our side."

Derek sighed. "I want to go back to Seattle."

Meredith leaned over the bar. "Can you pour me one more?" she asked

"The reunion almost over? The bartender asked, jerking his head down the bar towards Mark and Derek.

She shrugged. "I don't even know how to answer that."

""Loaded question?"

Meredith smiled. "You have no idea."

"Which one is your boyfriend?" the bartender asked her.

Meredith raised her eyebrows. "That's an even more loaded question." She said, looking down the bar at Mark at Derek.

The bartender smiled at her. "I can tell one of them is your boyfriend." He said. "You look like a girl who has a boyfriend." He leaned back and appraised her. "A boyfriend. A best friend. And a couple really good friends, too."

Meredith took her shot, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with the desire to be at Joe's with her friends. She wanted Cristina to give her a look and tell her why she was being an idiot. She missed George's goofiness, his willingness to pull her out of jams. She missed Izzie's bubbling personality, her cookies. She even missed Alex walking around like he owned Seattle Grace.

She smiled at the bartender. "The dark haired one." She said. "He's my boyfriend." She said tentatively. "And I do have best friends. Back home."

"Where's home?" the bartender asked.

"Seattle." Meredith said quietly. Derek smiled and motioned for her to join them. She smiled at the bartender and slid some cash across the bar. "Thanks." She said. "What's your name?" she asked suddenly.

"Joe." He said, grinning. Meredith laughed to herself and slipped off her school to join Derek. Joe. Of course it was.


	27. Chapter 27

Title: Fireworks

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**WOW. We suck, we know. All we can say is that we're super busy and we're really trying to update as much as possible. **

**We know you've been waiting for Derek to come to the rescue. Here it is.**

**REVIEW. **

_In the confusion, and the aftermath,  
you are my signal fire._

"You're sure about this?" Derek asked. "Because I'll wait. I'll wait as long as you want."

Meredith shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself in the chilly breeze. "I've put it off long enough." She said firmly. Derek looked at her, marveling at the resolve she showed. He wrapped an arm around her as they strolled down Fifth Avenue.

"If you're sure…"he said. "I just want you to be ready."

Meredith looked around at the decorations that made Fifth Avenue sparkle. It was December 10th, and New York was at its best. "It's so pretty here." She said, sighing. "But I miss Seattle."

Derek grinned. "Me too." He said.

* * *

"Do you think he's coming too?" Cristina asked, a look of disgust on her face as she, George, Alex and Izzie crowded around the nurses station discussing the news of Meredith's return.

"Cristina, it's been months." Izzie said, exasperated. "He's been living with her in New York. Of course he's coming too."

Cristina's face intensified and she snorted. "Great."

"They're a couple." George said. "And it took her a really long time to come back here as a couple. We should be supportive."

"We should be supportive?" Cristina echoed. "Well excuse me if I don't want to _support_ her decision to get back together with the guy that almost killed her."

Alex rolled his eyes. "You really don't get it, do you?" he said, turning to face Cristina. "She loves him. He loves her. We might not like him, but she loves him."

"Yea, thanks, evil spawn, but I got that."

"No you don't. What you don't get is that this is not about you. It has nothing to do with you, or any of us. She loves him. We're her friends, we deal with it."

Izzie and George gaped at him, marveling at the suddenly impassioned speech that had rendered Cristina speechless. "Wow." Izzie whispered.

"I know." George whispered back. "He has…feelings." The clacking of heels on the tile floor seemed to shake them all back into doctor mode. Charts flipped open and they all fell silent in an attempt to act like nothing was wrong.

"What's going on?" Addison asked, coming up behind them and pulling a chart from the pile on the station. She fixed her gaze on Izzie. "Stevens, what's going on?" she asked again.

"We're doctoring." Izzie said. "With charts. And labs. That's all."

"Right." Addison said. "I'm sure."

* * *

"You're sure that you're sure?" Derek asked her again. They were meeting Mark at the St. Regis, and on the short walk there he had asked Meredith that question at least ten times. She turned to him and kissed her right there on the sidewalk. The crowds simply parted and walked around him.

"Ask me again if I'm sure." She said, pulling away.

"You sure?" Derek asked, grinning. She grabbed his jacket and pulled his lips to hers again.

Cocking an eyebrow she grinned at him. "Want to ask me again?"

"Not if we're going to meet Mark." Derek replied, a glint in his eyes. Meredith reached up and toyed with a lock of his hair.

"Mark could wait…" she said, trailing off, smirking.

"It's just Mark." Derek said.

"So true." Meredith agreed, bringing her lips to his again. Derek grinned at her and slipped his hands in the back pockets of her pants, pulling her body against his.

"He's going to have to wait." He mumbled against her lips. "Cause I'm not going to."

She giggled. "Taking charge. I like it, Dr. Shepherd."

"Derek?" came a voice from behind them. Without separating from each other, they turned to see who was interrupting them.

"Mom?"


	28. Chapter 28

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: we suck. we know. we're trying. we love you all.**

**REVIEW. **

_There's a lot that I don't know,  
there's a lot that I'm still learning. _

Kathryn Shepherd prided herself on being polite and tactful, but with her son in this situation, she didn't waste any time. "Derek Michael, when on earth did you get divorced?" she asked.

Meredith froze. Any minute now, he would denounce her, brush her off and mumble things about Addison.

"Hello to you too, Mom." Derek said, disentangling himself from Meredith and embracing her. "And yes, I'm divorced." Meredith closed her eyes, waiting for the final and fatal blow.

"Imagine my shock at hearing this from Addison." Kathryn said. Her eyes flickered over Meredith. "Perhaps we shouldn't be discussing this in front of your… friend."

"Mom, this is Meredith Grey," Derek said, grabbing her hand. "She's not my friend, she's… everything." The stylish woman in front of Meredith looked at her for a long time before fixing Derek with her pointed gaze. Finally, she nodded.

"I see." She said, carefully, her tone even. She extended a gloved hand. "Kathryn Shepherd." She said. Meredith took her hand and smiled weakly.

"Meredith Grey." She whispered. Kathryn clasped her hand for a minute, and then stepped back, observing them carefully as if it were perfectly normal.

"You seem happy." She said to Derek after a few minutes. He grinned at her.

"I really am." He said, his eyes sliding toward Meredith. His mother reached out and squeezed his shoulder.

"Than so am I," she said, "But don't think we won't be having a long conversation about this over dinner tonight." Before they could respond, Mark came out of the St. Regis.

"And I was starting to think you two stood me…" he trailed off catching sight of Kathryn. "Mom." He said quietly, looking down. He met her eyes. "Mrs. Shepherd." Meredith realized she had just stepped into what was possibly an even bigger moment than the one they had just had. She squeezed Derek's hand.

"Mark Oliver Sloan." Kathryn said icily. "You are quite possibly one of the most elusive individuals I have ever met. You've managed to avoid me and the girls all this time."

"Almost all the girls." Mark said without thinking.

Kathryn's eyes narrowed at him and she turned her eyes to Derek. "Eliza." They said together. "Typical." Kathryn muttered. "So not only have you betrayed my son, you've manipulated my youngest daughter."

"I forgave him." Derek blurted out suddenly. Kathryn's eyebrows shot up her forehead. Derek shook his head and sighed. "He plays a big part of all this."

"Dinner. Eight o'clock. Pastis." Kathryn said. "Don't be late, Mark. Lovely to meet you, Meredith."

* * *

"Are you sure you and Mark shouldn't do this alone?" Meredith pleaded. Derek put his hands on her cheeks. "I know how hard this is. And I know you don't want to hear this, but I want to marry you one day and for that to happen…." He trailed off, worried he had pushed too far, but to his surprise, she nodded.

"We need to own up to what we did. Come clean. To everyone." Derek stepped back, regarding her with surprise and a hint of pride.

"You're right." He said.

"I know I'm right. But your mother?"

"Mer, please. Put on your dress. I'll be there. And Mark will bear the full force of any anger." Begrudgingly, Meredith trudged to her room.

"I must really like you Derek Shepherd." She said.

"Hey Mer?" he called after her. "I love you." She stopped before continuing into her room and said it so softly he could hardly hear her.

"I love you too."

"So, Meredith," Kathryn asked as they waited for Mark, "What do you do?"

"I'm a surgeon." She said quietly.

"Not a relation of Ellis Grey?"

Meredith tensed and smiled tightly. "She's my mother."

"My husband was very impressed with her work." Kathryn said, smiling, obviously trying to be nice. Derek's glance slid to Meredith, and the expression on her face. He was about to change the subject when Mark strode up to their table.

"Sorry I'm late." He said sheepishly.

"Sit." Kathryn commanded. Mark dropped into the empty chair so fast Meredith would have missed it if she had blinked. "Now someone tell me what is going on. Addison called and tells me that you're divorced, and the last thing I heard from you, Derek, was that everything was just fine." She paused. "Well, apparently not."

Meredith squirmed, wishing she could run away from this. She gripped the seat of her chair, paralyze with fear of the way Derek would describe her, and the choices the made.

"I met Meredith when I moved to Seattle." Derek said. "I fell in love with her. She was so different, because I'm different. Who I really am is not who I was in New York. I was playing along, Mom."

"Oh Derek…" Kathryn said. He shook his head.

"Let me get this out. I started dating Mer, and for the first time in such a long time, I was happy. And then Addison came back, and I had to chose, and I made the wrong choice. And then I made another wrong choice, because I had an affair with Meredith, and she deserved so much better." He took a deep breath.

"When it got to be too much, she came out here, and I was… I couldn't breathe without her. I divorced Addison. And then Mark ran into her, and called and…" he trailed off, looking expectantly at his mother.

"You never loved Addie like this." Kathryn said softly.

"Someone does." Meredith piped up for the first time. "Mark loves Addison. I thought…" she looked up from her lap and steeled herself. "My mother cheated on my father. And I always thought that I could never do something like that, but when you really love someone, you'll do anything to keep them in your life. That's how Derek forgave Mark. I think we all started to… understand." She said.

The table was silent for a moment and Meredith spoke again. "Mark loves Derek more. He called Derek when he found me. And, Mrs. Shepherd, I love Derek too, and I'm sorry for what we did, but I…I love Derek." She paused. "I'm sorry. I ramble when I get nervous." She whispered.

A hush fell over them as everything that had and hadn't been said seemed to fall between the four of them. Kathryn broke the silence. "So what's next for you two?" she asked Meredith and Derek. Derek smiled down at Meredith and kissed her on the head.

"We're going back to Seattle." He said. Mark smiled sadly, feeling like he had grasped back at the one thing he wanted most, and then lost it again.

"And Mark is coming with us." Meredith blurted out.


	29. Chapter 29

**

* * *

**

Title: Fireworks

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: oh how we have missed you all. We're back, we're writing, we'll update. Hope you missed us!**

**REVIEW. **

_Lights will guide you home…_

"This is stupid." Mark said for the hundredth time. "So, so stupid. She's not going to want to see me. She's going to think that I betrayed her. That I'm on your side." Meredith winced and patted his arm.

"I left my job. And my friends. And most of my friends probably aren't my friends anymore because I lied to them and ignored them and blew off all of their problems. And if you think Addison isn't going to want to see you...." she trailed off. Mark looked down at her and offered a wry smile.

"You she probably wants to see." he said casually. "It's hard to rip out all of someone's hair and choke them with it without seeing them."

"This is so, so stupid." Meredith agreed. Derek and Kathryn came up behind them at the boarding gate for their flight.

"What is so, so stupid?" Derek asked. Meredith turned around and fixed him with a look. Mark just smiled weakly.

"Nonsense." Kathryn said. "Chin up, both of you." She was cut off by the announcement of the final boarding call. She embraced Derek and whispered something in his ear. She reached for Mark and kissed him on the cheek. "Wise up, Mark." she advised. "Glad to have you back."

"Thanks Mom." he said softly in her ear. Meredith stood awkwardly, wringing her hands together when Derek's mother opened her arms and enveloped Meredith in a hug.

"Lovely to meet you, Meredith." She said, pulling away and regarding the woman in front of her.

Meredith smiled, uncertain. "You too." she whispered. Derek reached for her hand, and the three of them boarded the plane. It was only after the wheels had come up and the aircraft was in the clouds that Meredith realized the full implications of what it meant to be returning to Seattle. "This is so, so stupid." she said again.

* * *

They reached Seattle at dusk; the skyline was illuminated and they could see the Space Needle from the plane. Meredith shivered as they descended from the sky, and felt a rush of anticipation as the plane hit the tarmac. Derek retrieved his car from where he had left it in airport parking months ago and they drove toward the city in silence.

"Where are we going?" Mark asked from the backseat. Derek and Meredith exchanged a glance. Neither of them had really thought about that.

"Trailer?" Derek suggested.

"I can't." Meredith said.

"Your house?"

"George and Izzie might be there."

"They're your best friends."

"Best friends that I abandoned."

"And ignored and lied to." Mark piped up. Meredith and Derek both glared at him. "Sorry."

"Hospital?" Derek asked, running low on options.

"What if everyone is there?" Meredith asked, sounding increasingly panicked. "I haven't even called Cristina. What if Addison is there?" Derek recalled the fury, the sheer outrage that had radiated from his ex wife before he'd left.

"What about this?" he said quickly, "You take Mark to Joe's. I will find Addison, and try to smooth things over. For both of you. For all of us." Meredith turned in her seat and seemed to engage in some kind of silent communication with Mark. She looked at Derek and nodded.

"Joe's." She said tentatively. "Tequila. That could be good." Derek nodded, glad to have a plan, a purpose. "Tomorrow I should go to Richard." Meredith said suddenly. "Try and get my job back." Derek smiled at her, reached over, and took one of her hands.

* * *

"It's a far cry from the St. Regis, huh Grey?" Mark askd as they stepped into Joe's. His eyebrows were raised but he didn't look at all disapproving.

"It's not exactly the King Cole Bar." she admitted. "But it's Seattle. And it's home."

Mark smiled. "I could get used to it here." Meredith looked around. It didn't look like anyone had noticed her yet, and none of her friends were here. Nodding to herself and feeling reassured, she motioned at Mark and he followed her to the bar.

"Do you still serve tequila straight up?" she asked, sliding onto a barstool.

"Meredith!" Joe exclaimed. "You're back! With a....friend. I guess Derek never found you." Joe looked Mark up and down, frowning.

"He found me. This is his best friend Mark. Mark, this is Joe." she said. Joe's eyes flickered with recognition and he smiled at Meredith.

"I knew he would find you." he said excitedly. He filled a shot glass with tequila and looked questioningly at Mark.

"Scotch. Single malt. On the rocks." he asked. Their glasses in front of them, Meredith and Mark looked at each other.

"Have you seen anyone?" Joe asked, "Any of the crowd? Bailey? Burke? Addison?" Meredith looked at Mark, each of them wearing a matching panicked expression. Glasses clinked together and drained.

"Keep them coming." Mark asked Joe. "We may be in for a rough night."

* * *

Addison's breath hitched in her throat when she saw him. The dark hair was unmistakable as he moved to the nurse's station on the floor below. He leaned over and asked the young woman sitting there something. She clicked on the computer a few times and pointed the board shrugging. Derek nodded and turned around.

Addison ducked behind a pillar, desperate to keep out of sight, and filled with questions. He was back, with no calls, no warnings. And he was alone. She was sure the first time she saw him again he would have Meredith glued to his side, but he was alone. And he didn't look happy. Addison felt a spark of satisfaction inside of her. Maybe they hadn't worked things out after all.

She walked away briskly and quietly before he came up the steps and saw her. She didn't want to face Derek. The mere thought made her want a drink. She deposited her lab coat in her office, picked up her purse and headed for Joe's. Hopefully Callie would be there.

* * *

They hadn't known each other for very long, but the nature of the situation that brought them together, the shared role of dirty mistress had forged a bond between them that allowed Meredith and Mark to sit at the bar, laughing at each other with a pile of empty glasses in front of them.

"Joe!" Meredith called. "Can we have another round?"

"You're not driving, are you Grey?" he asked dubiously. She smiled and shook her head back and forth in a childlike manner.

"Of course not. Derek will pick us up." She said, her voice taking on a rather sing song quality. Joe just nodded and poured them each another drink. The door bell chimed as someone entered the bar behind them, but neither of them bothered to turn around.

"You never drank like this in New York." Mark said, smiling at Meredith. She reached out and punched his arm lightly.

"I never needed to." She said. "Now I'm in Seattle. With you. And it's like a freaking battleground. There have to be apologies and confessions. It might get violent." She said in a loud, dramatic whisper, like she was telling a big secret.

Mark laughed. "You're drunk, Grey."

"And so are you Sloan." She shot back. He picked up his glass, having switched to shots long ago in order to keep up, and clinked it against hers.

"Cheers, Mer. And may good luck be bestowed upon us." She grinned and they each downed another, setting the empty glasses on the bar with twin slams. "Impressive." Mark told Meredith, eyeing the amount of glasses they had drained.

"I don't believe this." Came the low deadly voice of the person who had been standing behind them for some time now. "Derek just wasn't enough for you, was he?" Mark and Meredith both snapped to attention, and turned to face the woman behind them. Addison.


	30. Chapter 30

**Title: Fireworks**

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: This starts early in season two, episode 8, when Meredith and Derek are in the elevator and she says 'I miss you'. Instead of saying that he cant do anything, Derek asks her to meet him and an affair ensues. Angsty, but we loooove it.**

**Author's Note: Wow. We're so glad you guys like this story, because honestly, we love it. It's probably our favorite thing we've done so far. We're following season 2, the way it could have been had there been an affair throughout. And it's going to get dark, a lot darker. Meredith's mental health is going to go downhill fast, because this is bringing out all of her underlying issues.**

**WOW. We suck, we know. All we can say is that we're super busy and we're really trying to update as much as possible. **

**We know you've been waiting for Derek to come to the rescue. Here it is.**

**REVIEW. **

_Let December glow in flames, brace myself and let go..._

Even through her drunken haze, Meredith could see this was bad. "Addison.." she said.

Addison's eyes flashed with pure rage as the sheer pain and utter despair of the last six months bubbled up inside of her. She turned her murderous glare toward Meredith. "Don't you dare speak to me." she said. Meredith should have listened, but the alcohol that was pumping through her blood stream wouldn't let her stay silent.

"Addison, will you just listen to me? Let me explain?"

"Explain what?" Addison exploded. "How for all of the months you were... _fucking_ my husband?" she spit out. The scattered noise around the bar stopped as heads turned in their direction. Meredith sat helplessly, with all eyes trained on her.

Addison let out a short, bitter laugh. "You know what the best part is? You let me make a complete and utter ass out of my self the whole time. I tried not to blame you! I was nice. I tried to be your friend!" She stared at Meredith, her face flushed with anger. "Honestly, how did you sleep at night? After you finished fucking my husband, of course."

"Addison, that's enough." Mark said, breaking his silence. Addison laughed again, as he slid off the stool and leaned against the bar.

"Isn't that just adorable? Defending your new girlfriend? What are you, her new knight in shining armor?" She turned to Meredith again. "What was wrong with Derek?" she asked her viciously. "A fight? Did he cheat on you? Or did you just get bored?"

Meredith opened her mouth to speak, to say anything that would explain that it wasn't what it looked like, but Addison didn't give her a chance. "Did you want to explain this too?" she demanded. "Go ahead Meredith, explain everything! Explain why you had an affair with my husband. Explain why after you left and he ended his marriage to chase after you, you're with his best friend! Please tell me, because I am just dying to know."

Meredith, sat, stunned, suddenly realizing there were no words to explain. Addison's eyes narrowed into dangerous looking slits. "It's funny how now you have nothing to say." She laughed another humorless laugh. "Like mother, like daughter."

Meredith's eyes widened and she recoiled like she had been slapped. "Addison, what the hell is wrong with you?" Derek's voice boomed from the doorway, almost as low and dangerous as ex wife's. He strode across the bar and positioned himself partially in front of Meredith, as if he could shield her.

"How can you possibly stand there and defend her? She's with Mark!" Addison exclaimed.

"We all came on the same plane." Derek said. "He didn't come here for Meredith. He called me to New York to find here. He came here for you." It was Addison's turn to step back. Her eyes grew wide and then narrowed again. Derek took a step toward her. "And don't you dare speak to Meredith like that."

Addison's eyes snapped back to focus and stared him down. "Fuck you, Derek." She spit out. "How dare you defend her after what she did."

"After what she did? Addie, this is what I've been trying to tell you!" Derek shouted. "I begged her to meet me. I dragged her into this. I hated myself for hurting her, and in dragging myself down I took her with me. If you want to publicly insult someone, yell at me."

"Fine!" Addison shouted. "You're an asshole. You're a liar, and you'll do the same thing to her."

Derek shook his head. "I'd die before I hurt her again."

"Right. Because she's so innocent." Addison said.

"Addie, how is this helping any of us?" Mark asked, stepping towards her tentatively. She took another step back, looking at him with an expression he couldn't define.

"You called him to New York. For her. You didn't return any of my phone calls." Mark opened his mouth, but fell silent. The four of them stood there, staring at each other. The bell on the door chimed as George and Izzie walked in, followed closely by Cristina and Burke.

"Meredith?" the three interns asked in unison.

Meredith closed her eyes and reached behind her, taking the shot Joe had poured and downing it. She turned her head toward Mark who gave her a slight nod.

"You were right." She said. "So, so stupid."


End file.
